Published March 26, 2011
The sight of you, made my knees go weak, and I wondered if you still cared.
The sight of you, made miss all the things we shared.
The sight of you, made me wish, I could reverse time.
The sight of you, made me wish that I could make you mine.
Oh the sight of you, it caused me pain, though bittersweet it was.
For the sight of you reminded me of all the things we’d done.
I stood there, and wondered what do I do?
How do I get past the pain from seeing you?
Then I hear your laugh, and I see your smile,
and then I realized the pain was worthwhile.
I wanted to know is how could I be without you for so long?
You were my light, in the dark, you me laugh, when I wanted to cry!
You made me smile, when my smile would die.
Oh, the sight of you made my knees go weak, and I wondered if you still cared.
The sight of you made me miss all the things we shared.
The sight of you, made me wish, I could reverse time.
The sight of you, made me wish that I could make you mine.
The sight of you, it caused me pain, though bittersweet it was.
For the sight of you reminded me of all the things we’d done.
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141,440 Literary Works • 674,434 Reviews
Thank you all for the reveiws, they were very helpful.
Refrain. A pretty hard concept to grasp. So much so that I avoid using it altogether, but It still finds a way into my poetry. I think you did a decent job with the refrain in this poem. The problem is where you used it. The stanzas should have been made more like this:
The sight of you, made my knees go weak, and I wondered if you still cared.
The sight of you, made miss all the things we shared.
The sight of you, made me wish, I could reverse time.
The sight of you, made me wish that I could make you mine.
Oh, the sight of you, it caused me pain, though bittersweet it was.
For the sight of you reminded me of all the things we’d done.
I stood there, and wondered what do I do?
How do I get past the pain from seeing you?
Then I hear your laugh, and I see your smile,
and then I realized the pain was worthwhile.
I wanted to know is how could I be without you for so long?
You were my light, in the dark, you me laugh, when I wanted to cry!
You made me smile, when my smile would die.
The sight of you made me miss all the things we shared.
The sight of you, made me wish, I could reverse time.
The sight of you, made me wish that I could make you mine.
The sight of you, it caused me pain, though bittersweet it was.
Oh, the sight of you made my knees go weak, and I wondered if you still cared.
For the sight of you reminded me of all the things we’d done.
This works a bit better. I also noticed that there were some lines that were a bit too long and through off the meter/rhythm. Try shortening them. Also, you KILLED commas. WAY too many.
Overall, it was pretty good 7/10.
-WU
This reads like a very cliched love poem which has been done millions of times but what I love to see is people's spin on it. How they interpret it but I don't see it here. I think you're trying to regurgitate what you've read and heard countless of times before and I have one thing to say to you --Dont. Keep to your own creative path. Really explain what 'the sight of you' did to the speaker in this poem.
The way it ended wasn't the worst way, I actually kind of liked it.
Hope this helped and I hope this wasn't too mean because I know you could do better.
Anger
First point, rhyme is fun but remember rhythm is just a important. The first two lines of the second stanza were excellent. They were similar yet dissimilar enough to make a flawless transition. The third stanza needs a little work. The first rhyme sounds forced. Also the third line of the third stanza has some distracting punctuation issues. I think the poem would also be greatly improved if you took out the first two lines of the fourth stanza and added the last line to the fith so it looks like:
Great poem!
Other than these, well-done! This was a good poem to read.
I agree with both these points. I think overall you have a good concept but occasionaly you either mix words up or structure it in a strange way which makes it more difficult to understand. Just remember to constantly read and reread your work. If it's poetry try to read it out loud to work out the flow of the lines.
Happy posting
I agree with Busheldood and in the second line where it says "The sight of you, made miss all the things we shared." i think you missed the word me after made and before miss, or is it supposed to be like that?:)
hiya, I really liked it, but was a bit confused further into the poem because it changed it's style and rhythm as it progresses. I think it needs a bit of work but the topic is really good