Crowded halls, crammed buses and herds of hungry teens racing against the clock to get lunch. Sound familiar? Amanda Polychrones can attest to these things, “It wasn’t this crowded my freshman year and on a scale from 1-10, it’s 9 times worse.” Many students seem to agree that the most crowded class is English. Since every student that comes through here is required to have English credits, those teachers have the most on their plates. “Grading is extremely difficult”, Mr. Reynolds (English 11 & IB English) stated, “over 100 student papers can take up to three or four weeks”. Most teachers have stated that their largest classes up to this date have been in the mid-thirties. Surprisingly, in the past few years Brooke Point has actually had the lowest student enrollment numbers. Mrs. Dobson (last names Har-Me) is one of the five counselors in Brooke Point. “The hardest part about being a counselor is not being able to know all your students.” She has seen a definite increase in population. When asked about the possible growth in population, both Mr. Jeff stated that he doubted there would be a large growth. The other security officer, Mr. Johnson said they wouldn’t need any extra help in the upcoming years. “We’re the A-Team”, was all he said on the matter.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
The Knight Messenger here to review for KotGR.
So, first off I would put this into a couple smaller paragraphs, because a big clump like this is hard to read. and sing as it is an essay it clogs up with quotes, year dates, and peoples names who you quoted.
But it was quite an interesting article, although it ends rather sudden, and it seems unfinished to me. It ends with the security team guy talking. I want more. What is your conclusion? What do you believe on the matter? Also, remember to start a new line when you have dialogue. well I don't know if that applies to this essay, but it would help.
Now, please don't take this the wrong. I'v pointed out a lot of errors or nitpick things, but it's for your help, and I did like your essay a lot. It was short and got to the point. I just think a little more conclusions would help.
Keep it up!
i love that that you could create such a wide imagery with so little piece, i loved the how it all followed up, elevating from the crowded students to mr johnson, i loved it, it was wowing. hoping to see more of your posting.
Thanks!!
Hey, AlyKat!
I love the definitive voice that permeates this article right from the get-go. It's authoritative, strong, and doesn't bother with any sort of fancy frills, which makes it easy to get the general idea of what's going on. I think the quotes you chose to include were very efficient -- they each brought up an aspect of the overcrowding from various viewpoints, and had those who were authorities in those areas make comments in their own voice instead of yours. Lovely!
One thing I'd recommend is breaking this up into smaller paragraphs. I know it's pretty short as it is, but generally every time you change directions/thoughts, you should start a new paragraph. That would mean breaking, for example, at "Many students seem to agree", "most teachers have stated", and "When asked about the possible growth", since these all tackle new ideas.
The only other problem here is that there's one point of ambiguity that really throws off the whole essay for me.
In this section, I'm not sure if there are actually more people at the school or not, which leaves me wondering why there would be an article about overcrowding if nothing's actually changed. The first student says it's worse than it was, but then you say there's low enrollment. You say the counselor saw an increase in population, but then Mr. Jeff said there wasn't a large growth. That's really shaking up the foundation of this essay -- clear that up and you'll have a lovely piece.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments about my review, please!
Good luck and keep writing!
Thanks!!!