It was nighttime, but not quite. The sun had set so long ago that pretty soon it would be rising again, the hours creeping their way through the AM. I stood there, alone of course, bathed in the artificial lighting of a droning streetlamp. The bricks comprising the wall I was leaning on were colder than the air, and I could feel it robbing me of my own heat through my flimsy t-shirt. I took a deep breath, relishing the acidic taste of the smoke covering the sour burn of the city air. I exhaled, watching the faint breeze toy with the white wisps before carrying them off into nothing.
I worried about her for some time now. I left her alone, left her petrified. The thought savagely waged war in my mind, renaming me an insomniac. During nights like this, when sleep failed to grace me, I found myself here, contemplating, playing a trial in my mind desperately trying to prove my innocence to myself.
I truly loved her, and she loved me too, so when I found out I had to make her hate me. My time is almost up with days left before I’m in the ground, and not by my own accord. I exhale, but the smoke doesn’t relax me as well as it used to. I never used to smoke, but that hardly matters now. I upped and left her, not a word then and not a word since. She’d hear of my death somehow, and to her, it’d hardly matter. I wanted her to be happy, to be able to move on, to forget me. I was protecting her by hurting her, wasn’t I?
You don’t miss someone you hate.
The streetlamp flickered off making me flinch at the sudden darkness I was plunged into. As my eyes adjusted, I noticed it wasn’t darkness in the air but the beginning of a hazy blue dawn. I flicked my cigarette to the ground. She’d be alright; she always was. The words she’d say through her hardships were crisp in my mind, her voice crystal clear… I will survive.
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Well...this was an interesting little story set in this post apocalyptish world here judging by all the descriptions at least...and looks like a person suffering from being in a pretty terrible situation but then...that was a pretty neat little ending there...I did like that...him getting strength from that and vowing to survive.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...that is interesting...definitely a very post apocalyptic kind of nightmarish description there for the land that we're starting off here with this city....well it definitely seems like a really interesting setting here...and it appears that their stuck in a pretty bad situation here...and smoke covering the area....well...that's interesting as well...almost seems to signify something here....well let's see.
Well...that doesn't seem very good at all...oh dear...looks like at some point in time in this apocalypse he had to make a horrible choice and is now very much regretting things and trying to make himself feel like he's innocent again...well....that can't be a good combination to have to survive in.
Well there we go...that smoke did mean something after all...not quite what I suspected that it would mean, but ehh...I'll take it. Also wow...that's just quite a terrible thing to have done there..I mean it looks like it was a difficult decision done to protect the person he loved but in doing so he ruined quite a lot of that it appears and well that does eat away at you...him just sort of waiting to die here definitely conveys that quite well.
Hmm...well that's a sad line there at the top but then hmm...that's a surprisingly good ending here...him drawing strength from their former relationship there to resolve to himself that he will somehow survive...that is pretty good, not gonna lie.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Okay...well...this was an interesting read...aaand yeah...lovely little ending to tag on there. Well...anyway not too much else for me to say here...so...until next time.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Mm, interesting take! I've read a couple of works revolving around the whole idea of people breaking up with their significant others in order to somehow lessen the pain the partner may feel when their death comes. Personally speaking, I don't think it'd make it any less difficult, perhaps making it even more so. This merely comes from the idea that the couple would have been together for quite a while, so hiding something important like that no matter how painful it is would make it even sadder in my eyes. That said, I'd like to point out a few awkward sentences I've seen.
I've got to agree with Nikki. This sentence seems like it's still lacking. I understand that what he found out is explained later in the next few lines, but still I feel like it's important to add more to this.
Arguably, this is most likely just from my perspective, since I got what it meant when I reread this sentence. For me, I think it'd be a tiny bit clearer if you add "only" before "days". Don't worry though, you don't have to. Like I said, it most likely is just me. I'm a bit tired you see, haha.
That's all I've got for things I think you could improve on. It's a good piece of work! Keep writing.
Thank you for taking the time to write your review-comment! I understand what you mean about the line about the days. I hadn't realized it was ambiguous. Thanks for all your feedback though because it always helps!
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really love this short story... who ever you are, you are a genius! I really love the setting and the drama that just contaminated the words used in this short story. The ending was very cool, but chilling I'm just so taken away by this story and how it grabbed my attention. I don't know what more to about it other than, I am completely in love with this masterpiece... I hope to read more the writer who created this short story and by the way I also love how parts from the famous hit "I Will Survive" played nicely into it like a glove... GREAT WORK!
Wow I'm really glad you liked it!! A friend and I were doing a writing exercise, and we exchanged songs we thought would be difficult to write a short story for. I really appreciate your comment though so thank you! =D
Okay… I really liked that. It was sad and heartfelt. There was one sentence I found quite confusing though. It was;
I truly loved her, and she loved me too, so when I found out I had to make her hate me.
So what? The sentence seems unfinished, which makes it confusing and annoying. But… yeah, other than that I found it to be a great story.
Thanks so much for your comment! Yup I see what you mean about that one sentence there. I was thinking that when I wrote it but I couldn't think of any other way to reword it in my mind. Perhaps I'll take another crack at it. Thanks again!