Prologue: Fallen
The Castle of Angria:
A good mother must always care for her son, especially when his health is failing. Why else would the Queen be heading to her son's rooms but to check on him?
The Queen's purpose, though, was a completely different one, and was beknownst to no one but herself.
She knocked on his bedroom door and entered. Stepping inside the light-lit room, she saw him still in his bed, his formerly strong frame looking very weak. His face was weathered as he struggled to fight his illness, his blond hair -which usually fell to his eyes- was thinning. Even his smile, when he saw her, seemed strained. He was of two decades old, but one would say he was thirty.
She forced her own to return his smile as she veered around easels and canvases to approach his bed.
His chamber -among many, many other subjects- was always an argument between him and her. He wanted to fill it with his painting and his sculptures and other nonsense, while she argued that this was not a room fit for a man about to marry a fine lady. She glanced at the shadowed ceiling with distaste. How she wanted to have them fixed with the new t'lines instead of those ruddy candles. The mechanisim of the new lightings -simply lighting the tungsten strips the lined the walls with a single match-strike to illuminate the room- sounded regal.
"How are you doing, Lysander, dear?" she asked.
As soon as he opened his mouth, he fell into a fit of coughing.
"Not very well, mother," replied he. "Claudae came to see me just now, I dare say I've missed her company."
She tried not to slap him across his face. How dare he! Why should she even bother to visit him if he did not even appreciate it and thought the passing by of his sister was worth mentioning?
He really loves Claudia, thought the Queen. Even after she was shown more favor than him.
"Well," she said haughtily. "I've brought you a glass of punch."
He made an attempt to smile at her again, and she thought she might retch. How sick can one really be? He must be faking.
"Hasn't the doctor strictly forbidden me from drinking?" he inquired.
"Correct, but I'm sure that one glass shall do no harm," she reasoned.
He thought for a few seconds then he finally accepted the glass from his mother.
"Drink on," she said sweetly. However, he did not. The glass rotated between his fingers and the red liquid gently sloshed around.
He sent her a questioning look upon raising his head again.
"It's spiced," she said indigantly. "You know that I like it spiced. Do you believe me capable of poisoning you, San?"
"By all means, yes. Everyone hides a secret or a motive. You taught me that." His tone changed to a slightly apologetic timbre. "My mother has come to me with punch,yet I have nothing to wine her or dine her. How shameful."
"If it puts your spirits at ease, I'll take a sip from your glass."
A frown slightly disorted his expression. She knew that he was thinking of the chances that the cup might be poisoned, but if it was then why would she drink from it?
When she had finished taking two sips she handed the glass back to her son. Now he had no excuse to stall him. She could still see his forrowed brow as he tipped his head back and swallowed what remained of the spiced punch.
"I hear that you've been visiting the physician an awful lot lately," she said, her heart swelling both with satisfaction and disappointment.
"He told me not to accept a glass unless it's been tasted for me. To check for poisons.They taste... different. Vague,but unfamiliar. I didn't taste it in the glass," he added.
She tapped her fingers on his bedframe. "No," she agreed. "You wouldn't. But what if the poison was too well-hidden to be identified? What if it had no taste?"
A dark look swept over his features. "Then you wouldn't have drunk from it."
"Think, San," she urged, wanting him to realize his mistake. The mistake that will cost him his life. "Think outside the box."
He stared at her questioningly for a long moment, then he suddenly sat erect, his jaw taut, his eyes wide, as the realization hit him. She stared back stonily as he swallowed down and said in a voice that was obviously straining to keep calm, "You are immune."
The Queen allowed a smile to grace her face. She raised her hands and clapped once. "Very good, San. I expected shouts and even an attempt to harm me."
"No point in that. I see that you have defeated me in this game. I was never good in politics."
"An iresome opponent, you were; Always so careful and suspicious. But your malady has struck too hard on you."
Even though she had done what she had to do, even though she succeeded in removing him, she was still his mother and he her son. She wanted to shatter to pieces for grief. She wanted to fly sky-high for delectation. What were these feelings? Why would they uncoil from her depths at this moment, where a divide in her could not take place?
He let out a long sigh, sitting back. "The poor, sick boy. Killed by his mother as his defences dissolved. Killed like an animal."
"Poor, foolish boy," she agreed. "Dying in vain."
He let out a bark of laughter. "You don't really believe that, do you? You think I haven't anticipated this?"
"What have you done, San? Wrecked the Throne Room? Set the castle on fire? Isn't that your purpose?" Her voice was mocking but inside she felt alarmed.
"You aren't the only one hiding secrets, and I'm not as clueless as you think I am. After all, I am your son." He looked thoughtful for a moment, then added, "But what about my father? My-" Here, he broke off as the poison began to prevent oxygen circulation, making the coughing fits worse. When his sleeve came away from his mouth, it was blotched with blood. "My real father. Why silent, Mother? Have you been naughty?"
She wanted to slap him. All the sympathy and greif that dominated her a mere second ago dissipated, and rage filled instead. But lashing out at him would only give him satisfaction for making her break. She had to be sly.
"Haven't you ever wondered why Claudae never protested when the King chose her to acompany him to this decade's Feast? Why you were left alone here, when the position should have been yours?"
She could see that her trick had worked, his face shifted to wariness.
"I- The King wanted to punish me, that's all. He said she was going as a guest, not to represent the Heir."
"San, San, San. So ridiculous. So naive. You didn't honestly believe that, did you? Of course she wasn't going as a guest. They called her the Cold Heiress. Didn't she tell you? How cruel of her."
"Lies!"
"Why would I lie to you? You are dead. Claudae was trained her whole life for the day she will become claim the Crown. She is the Heir, and one day she will become the queen. Beautiful and ruthless."
"Like you."
"Yes," she agreed. "Just like me."
And having delivered the arrow to his very soul, she stood up and left him to perish in the cold bedchamber, among the paintings which he prized more than his people, choking on his last breath and on words that for all their harsh realism were nothing but lies.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Well it would seem you have previously had the crap reviewed out of this, so I am simply going to leave a comment.
This is masterfully crafted. The mother is a well-developed character (a real beeotch)! Every fantasy novel needs a sneaky wicked woman.
Fantasy literature is difficult to write. So far, you've got it down pat. Excellent work. I look forward to more.
Haha, thank you! This also serves as a reminder to get back to this story >.>
*needs to rewrite it completely because this was written two years ago and as expected, it falls apart in so many places xD*
I feel ya. Same thing happened to me. I started writing something about a certain topic ages ago, and then, upon becoming more educated about the topic, had to rewrite it because it was incorrect! Keep at it!
So, I got incredibly excited upon reading the title.
This is one of those works I can tell I have complete faith in the creator (yes you) that you know so much about this world. And we dive straight in...
The fact there's a prologue screams: EPIC FANTASY NOVEL!
Your naming abilities: Castle of Angria... are you sure this hasn't already been published?
'A good mother must always care for her son, especially when his health is failing.' Excellent opening line. It makes me wonder instantly who the characters are and propels me to read on and find on. Simple + effective.
Permit me to be picky with spelling: 'mechanisim' We all love extra 'i's occasionally. XD
'favor' This depends on whether you want the English or American version, so not necessarily a fault.
Extra 'n' alert: 'indigantly'
Right, I'm going to stop picking editing holes now and focus on the content. Plus, I'm sure people will have done this in review already.
I think it's easier to quote this: 'And having delivered the arrow to his very soul, she stood up and left him to perish in the cold bedchamber, among the paintings which he prized more than his people, choking on his last breath and on words that for all their harsh realism were nothing but lies.'
And then just say = amaze-balls! XD
The tone is quite dramatic but perfectly suited for the elements of your story. You have a really distinctive style which is easy to read and I love this piece. Great job, excited to see what happens.
Hello Dear! Here as requested!
This story has struck me as a rather medieval story. And saying the word great doesn't really fit. Not very well, Mother.
Wow. That was good. Crazy good. In fact, I'm very impressed. I don't even know why you requested a review, because honestly there's nothing to be improved upon. So kudos.
Just a few little nitpicks. How did the prince guess he was poisoned? Since this is from the queen's point of view, maybe you should tell us a little bit about the poison she's handing him. Also, Chapter Zero? Just a style opinion, but this should be a prologue. I also feel like you should have dragged this out a little longer. Given us a little more information about why the queen is poisoning her son. And why she's so angry when he mentions his sister. Are they not supposed to be friends?
Just think about it. If I had one suggestion for improvement, I'd say making it a bit longer. Filling it out and adding more emotion and information.
Thanks Love! Let me know when the next chapter is up! (I'm about to go read Chapter 1, lol. If you need anymore reviews, please let me know.)
~Sparkles
Hey, Alpha!
I'm here to do a quick review for you.
So, I really enjoyed this chapter...zero? Prologue?
Not exactly sure what it is but I think it fits as a prologue.
Anyway, I find the elements of monarchy and politics very interesting and they work quite well together. With the little pinch of family vs family fire in here, it makes it even more interesting.
One thing I do wish you could've elaborated on was the whole reasons behind why the mother really hated her son so much to have poisoned him. What made his sister a better heir? I felt that without a solid, not complete but at least one line that showed us or gave the readers an idea of how this hate got started in the first place would make it more believable when the Queen went on to poison her, I'm guessing, only son. Even though you did a good job with the explanation you already provided, I felt it was still missing that click that made us understand her even a little.
Also, the beginning was quite well written and did provide a great hook. However the whole 'why else' was a killer. You immediately gave the impression that she was going to do something different and I wish you left it out because it'd be more of a surprise when the apparently caring Queen turned into a cold-blooded son-murderer. But then she started crying in the end and left me wondering why she would be crying after her fine display of displeasure towards her son. She acted so arrogant and uncaring, so fake and cold that it's actually quite unbelievable that the woman was capable of actually shedding a tear. Maybe you could show some pity from her towards her son to allow for that last scene to make sense? I mean, she did mention he was disgusting and wasn't worth anything to them.
I'm curious to see where you'll be going with this. Since the prince is pretty much dead, I'm left wondering if the princess is actually the protagonist in this novel or is it someone else because there was very little mention of the princess in here besides the fact that she came to visit her brother.
Overall, I enjoyed it. Keep writing and let me know if you have any questions. You know where to find me! :3
All the best,
-Pink
Hey there.
This was an interesting peice althought kind of strange. I don't think you portrayed the mother well. She's behaving like an enemy or someone out for revenge. Yet I see that she has a bit of her motherly traits...just a bit. The combination doesn't seem to go well. If you want to keep her that way then maybe drop in some hints as to whats going on. Maybe she's his step mom or something and the girl ws her real daughter bt then why would she cry at the end? You need to keep up the consistency of your characters. This queen seems to love and hate which is strange (more on the hate side). If there is a reasonable explanation that is believable as to why she acts this way then drop in some hints.
Also the son, seems to know something. I don't know how it's possible for him to go ahead and drink the wine if he knew something about the queen. She said he should have known it was coming. So then why did he just go on ahead and drink?
The characteristics of your characters should be compatible as to how you portray them in the stroy. Try to make the situation as believable as possible.
As for the setting, you might want to bring it out morre clear for readers. We want to see whats happening. Try to bring out the scene in the readers mind.
I think using decades to say the age was a little out of place as well.
This really was interesting, beside the weirdness of the characters, I liked it. Just try and make things more believable like how J.K Rowling made a magical world that made sense even though it doesn't exist.
I hope this helped.
-Zo
Hey there.
This is an interesting piece of work to say the least. I'm always one for murders and political intrigue, though I have yet to see that.
I actually couldn't spot many mistakes, although the wording in the first part could be refined.
What did strike me as odd was a couple of factors:
First, and this is a minor one, how did the Prince realize he was poisoned? Poisons usually can't be detected that easily, especially to one wracked with illness as it seems the Prince is. Nevertheless, it can be forgiven, because it makes for a pretty awesome setting.
Also, once the Queen poisons her son - nice angst set up could follow - she leaves for the dining room. She leaves her daughter to find the body, although that is, frankly, shoddy workmanship on her part, unless, of course, other events are going on that we're not aware of. Anyone could 'happen upon' his corpse, and, of course, the doctors or whatever will notice the poison. Things could go two, possibly three, ways. A bright person could say the Queen did it, if they knew she was the last to visit, dismissing outside entry because nothing seems to be out of order in the room save for the broken glass. If they noticed how the wine was first class, that would narrow the list of suspects all the more, especially because I doubt anyone else visits the Prince. A person on the Queen's payroll could denounce a doctor, but then there's the whole thing with the glass and the fine wine. A stupid person could say Claudia did it, and that, of course, would foil the Queen's plan.
I leave the rest to you.
What will happen then? I'm curious to find out. Would you be so good so as to put the next chapter on my wall? Thanks.
Hoped this helped,
~Ita