Sometimes, adults seem not to realize that this life shouldn’t be taken for granted. Caught up in this corrosive routine that involves working hard to maintain a decent living, they seem to have forgotten that we are here to learn something about life, not to ignore it or live it by others directions.
Tragedies can wake them up, as they are not invulnerable beings, making them question their lives and their purpose, leaving them with a powerful will to change something. However, weeks after these tragedies, they fall back in the circle of life, forgetting everything, sometimes experiencing heartbreaking flashbacks, but nothing more. There is no remedy for memory, these flashbacks seem to be like melodies stuck in their heads, but with no result other than setting up a deep-seated feeling of emptiness. They seem to be afraid of upholding the concrete happening that we are the ones responsible for making the most of our lives because no one knows what tomorrow will bring or if there is any tomorrow left.
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Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...this was quite some piece here. Considering the title that we have got going on here and just the general air that this particular thing tries to depict, I honestly don't quite know what this might be. It feels like it could be some sort or pre amble towards a novel or a hint at that, it could be a bit of a short piece on adults...but this feels most like some sort of speech here that someone is giving about what they think of adults in general and what they sometimes do. At any rate, it was certainly pretty intriguing piece and feels oddly like its just calling a lot of people out there.
There's just a certain tone of admonishment that you seem to have gone with while discussing things that do sound like they do actually happen and cause some very real problems in life. It is certainly a piece that leaves you with quite a bit to think about after reading and despite being as short as it is, it really has a powerful impact on you as a reader, so I think you've done quite well here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there! Rain here for a review.
Since this is a pretty short piece, there's less to review but I'll try and touch on all my thoughts!
1) The run-on sentences tend to disrupt the flow. For example:
I would change this to something more like: There is no remedy for memory. These flashbacks seem to be like melodies stuck in their heads but with no result other than setting up a deep-seated feeling of emptiness.
Again, this one is a bit long and I'd suggest breaking it down.
Run-on sentences are usually written because that's how it sounds when people talk, but grammatically they are incorrect. It also tends to disrupt the flow of a piece and can make the reader feel overwhelmed with long sentences or wondering why a sentence is sooooo long.
2) I really like the idea you have here, but I feel like it's pretty limited! Since this is a short story, I would have loved maybe a little story or memory of someone or some sort of something happening here. Instead of just writing about how tragedies can snap adults awake, maybe a story about a woman that has a tragedy happen to her would deliver this message in a better way. It felt more like a rant with pretty words - something I would expect to see more on a blog post or wall post. Nevertheless, I really like what you do have here - maybe just delivering your awesome message in a more short story type of way.
I think that's all I have for this review. I like your idea here! Keep writing, and if you have any questions please ask me!
~EternalRain
Hello!
Thank you for this comprehensive review.
I'll surely take into account all of your advice.
About the idea being limited, it is because the contest was requesting 250 words short stories. So I tried to stick to the idea, without giving any specific situations.
Thanks again!
Ah I see! Yes, writing something in around 250 words is very difficult xp
Glad I could help!
"This is a piece I wrote for a contest, but I was too afraid to sign it in." Girl, you should have signed it in! With a little editing I'm sure you would have kicked major ass!
That being said, I see a lot of run-on sentences. I would break these up.
I'm not sure if "concrete happening" really works in that last sentence.
This reminds me of people who are content to stay inside of their little cocoons instead of bursting out and becoming a butterfly. Gotta get outside of your comfort zone. *wink wink nudge nudge*
Hello!
Thanks for the encouragements and for the advice. I will surely take another look on this piece and on those run-on sentences.
Hi there, coehl here!
To begin this review I want to say that this whole commentary or narrative about adult life or human life overall, is very interesting and it's harsh. I like it. To me not many people would bother questioning our routine that is life. The way you describe how people are affected dully by events in their life is very appealing. Which can cause conflicting viewpoints between many people, which I approve of.
Overall this piece is unique to me because it does not strike me as non-fiction commentary, a transcript from a documentary, but to me it's rather straightforward. The way you seem to "cycle" people's lives in this piece is very compelling to me. I feel as though that this piece would have people argue about your message about how we maintain our lives.
In general, this piece was simple, which I feel is needed more nowadays, and it's truthful. You did a good job.
Hello!
Thank you very much for your review. I really appreciate it.
Hiya dude and you're welcome man, I'm glad that you appreciate it!