The tall, gray buildings of the city looming over my head from all sides.
The dark clouds smearing the morning sky like tar poured on a blue canvas.
The phone in my bag ringing incessantly as calls and messages flood in.
The crowds of people buzzing and clattering like traffic on a highway.
Yawning sleepily, I'm waiting for the bus, ignoring the sweaty odor and mindless chatter flooding the cramped stop. The music blaring from my headphones, plus the rumbling in my empty stomach are the only things keeping me awake, though just barely. My daily schedule, which hasn't changed over the past five years, almost scrolls out before my eyes.
From 7:15 to 7:50, it's commuting time.
From 7:50 to 11:45, it's nothing but paperwork.
From 12:00 to 12:40, it's lunch time.
From 12:45 to 4:00, it's back to work.
From 4:10 to 4:45, it's commuting time again.
Before I knew it, this dull routine had become my whole life. I once believed that I would finally get to live a fulfilling life after graduating from university, but so far, my days have been far from fun.
I admit, there were times when I wondered exactly what I'm doing all this boring work for. Myself, perhaps? Or my parents, my friends, my other relatives? Somehow, I don't think the answer is any of them. Maybe it's plain old destiny, then. Maybe. Who knows?
It seems that the bus is running a little late this morning. People around me are staring at their watches, some angrily, others worriedly, a total contrast to the apathy I'm sure is crossing my face right now.
Honestly, I don't care if the bus comes or not. I don't even care if I get fired for being late to work, though since my parents would be unhappy if that happened, I suppose I don’t want to get into needless trouble. Then again, my life has always been filled with trouble. A little more stress won't hurt me in the least. Besides, there's absolutely nothing I can do about traffic jams, so I see no point in getting upset.
As I stare up blankly at the sky, my phone starts to ring once more.
"Probably from the office again..."
With a sigh, I pull it out of my bag and look at the screen.
You have 1 new message
I open my inbox, expecting an angry message from my boss or coworkers about my tardiness. It wasn't from either of them.
Good news! My shift today ends around the same time as yours, so we can go to that new pizza place near your house together for dinner! Have a nice day at work!
By the time I finish reading my friend’s text message, the bus is appearing around the corner. Shoving the phone back in my bag, I start looking for my bus pass.
"Seriously, how can you be so energetic this early in the morning?" I mutter to myself, shaking my head in disbelief at my friend’s never-ending cheerfulness.
Still, I can't help but smile a bit.
The bus has finally pulled up at our stop, and people are boarding one by one. I quickly get on as well. Luckily, there are some empty seats left in the back.
"Guess I should work hard today too."
I sit down just before the bus starts moving again.
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137,011 Literary Works • 671,914 Reviews
This is a nice, short, busy story. It really sets up a nice theme of work-life balance!
I like the opening here, and I can tell the atmosphere you are trying to create. However, every sentence is a noun phrase followed by a participle ("buildings... looming", "clouds... smearing", etc). None of these sentences contains an active main verb, which means, grammatically, they are fragments that stall momentum before the story even starts. Whilst this does create the atmosphere of a busy morning, it feels a bit clumsy, because you've set a static scene. There is no active subject - your character - interacting with this busy environment, and no clear narrative voice yet, so there is essentially no immediate action driving the scene forward.
However, it is not all 'bad' so don't worry! The idea is there, and I really like it. I think the best way to fix this is to anchor the setting around the observer, who is your protagonist. Have them interact with this busyness, comment on it, experience it quickly and fleetingly. That way, the environment will instantly feel more real rather than floating in a void before the rest of the narrative starts. Maybe that could be a writing exercise you could play around with!
In the first sentence, you start with "Yawning sleepily" which places a participle right at the front. This creates a pause before identifying who is doing the action, which would immediately ground the story and flow a little better. A way you could fix this is:
'As I'm waiting for the bus, I yawn sleepily, ignoring the sweaty odour and mindless chatter flooding the cramped stop.
The sensory details here are very nice.
I love this bit, it's a nice break from the narrative and explains more about our busy protagonist.
The narrative shifts back and forth between present tense ("I'm waiting", "I open my inbox") and past tense ("had become", "It wasn't from either of them"). a few times. This is easily done, and is also an easy fix!
Another nice story
Thank you very much! I plan on giving the protagonist a nice day off with her friend and her younger relatives in a future work. She's partially based on me, and I like to take breaks when necessary. Thank you again!
Oo that sounds like a great idea!
I'm glad that you think so!
I like how you captured that glum, monotonous and apathic feeling. When I opened this (due to my great optimism) I was expecting beautiful city streets, the quiet beauty of the reflections of the skyscrapers and etc. etc. and I was presently slapped in the face by reality which was actually a pleasant surprise!
I love the contrast between the narrator, his friend and the narrator's past self. It really shows how the passage of time and work and simply living like a clog in the machine can make someone so jaded and not even bother to notice the good parts of life because their so apathic.
The ending is so.. it's almost heartbreaking (to me at least) just another routine, just another day in the matrix; will the narrator ever escape it or just be as all the other millions who have lived and died in this horrid hustle culture we seem overwhelmed with?
I think this is a great little story though it did feel a little slow and boring in the beginning but I think that only strengthens it, and shows how the world can seem when your just wasting your life away to work, never really going towards that dream you once had.
I am not very experienced at reviewing I'm afraid so I hope this review helped you in any way, possibly the tone and story you were going for? Have a great night or day, goodbye!
Thank you for your review! I plan on featuring the narrator and her friend in a future short story and allowing the narrator to get a nice break from her boring office job. She is partially based on me, and I often take breaks whenever I feel tired or bored from having to study and finish tasks, so no need to feel too sad for her! Thank you again!