Published October 22, 2010
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Hey!
This is sort of contradicts your character profile of Forrest. It seems as if she doesn't like her parents' rich behaviour while this is contradictory. It is good if you intend to create a subtle image of the fact that sometime parents can influence you, then it's fine.It's a good start but it shouldn't become a cliched rich girl/poor guy's story. It should have something different for it to stick out. I did like the first chapter and this could be better. And also, it's my personal request, could you reduce the font size to normal? It would be easier to read.
Well, this could do with some editing. I'll just give general comments.
Plot - I think this might have a good twist. This has the potential to be a good story. However, please let it not be cliched.
I didn't like the introductory paragraph. You already mentioned in the previous chapter that she was rich and that she wasn't like other rich kids. Okay. But, just make sure you don't go overboard with this and create cliches.
Description - This is where you need to work. You need to show us what happens. You need to show us a story that unfolds in front of us. You need to weave in a lot of description so that the reader can feel the MC and connect with her. The reader needs to be hooked onto the story.
Good luck with editing.
~Lava.
I am just going to say this now, do not take these comments to heart.
Alright there where errors in the story, like when you used came instead of come.
Some sentences didn't flow well. The story was good, but it could use some work in the format.
Basically it was written in list form and with conversations. Just to make it more interesting and add description in it.
Sometimes it helps to write from 2nd person(from another person's view of the character's actions) and 1st person(as if you are the character).
Well that's all and a mine of gold,
CardDragon.