Drunk on the elixir of love
I'm swaying like tree leaves
But you're my roots & anchor
And so I've got no worry
A film of passionate tapestries
Not a moment to spare loving you
Reality couldn't catch up to me
But like all good things that exist
The change of seasons is destined
So the embracing blanket of spring
Wraps you with its cherry blossom
And the spell whisks you away
Someday, somewhere, soon
This fever dream now broken
I'll be wondering wistfully
Missing my queen bee deeply
Honey still sweet on my tongue
And hand red from the sting
Left from the void of your name
How you warmed my heart
And froze time simultaneously
The wondrous twist of fate in which
A stranger from not so long ago
Turned every second that I spent
In her absence, seem strange instead
Yielding power in her delicate hands
To build a man up from the clay
You saved me when I was drowning
Got me on the shore from the brink
Only to leave me in the shallow waters
Now your memories keep me floating
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142,081 Literary Works • 676,569 Reviews
Hello, hope all is well. Here's my review.
This was enjoyable to read. I like the similarities you made love to honey. And not just the liquid gold we know. You compared it as a whole, from the tree to the bees to the risk/stings that come with wanting to savor something so sweet.
The only critique I can make, if any, is towards the end of the poem. I love this sentence:
This was beautifully worded, however I feel this starts to drift the poem away from the theme about honey. Considering the only word that would tie the mention of water and drowning is from the third sentence where you say:
Although the analogy you described of staying afloat by memories is powerful, it could've been more consistent with the first parts of the poem.
All in all, this is really good and I do love the way you illustrate the warmth and sweetness love brings, while also showing the bittersweetness when it ends. Great work. I look forward to reading more
RAH why didn’t i see this earlier ?!
the first thing i would like to state: this piece tastes like honey (pun intended)
the second: this is so vivid, sweet, and alive !!!
this sounds like something a lover would create during a dizzying high, except their muse is gone (forever? maybe, maybe not)
when i read
i was like, “Oh, okay, this is gonna be a love poem. I’m a sucker for those.”
BUT THEN: (cue dramatic music)
generally, i like the way you sort of grounded the lover’s relationship with their muse at first, only to then draw the lavish perfumed curtains back and just shatter that image so beautifully with your change of tone (from wistful to somber … or maybe both?) i feel like I’m reading this through a haze with my chin propped up on my hand, staring out the window.
the sweet sylvan descriptions and blossoming imagery such as
make this sound like an embrace, when really it’s a goodbye; or perhaps a reminiscence, i guess it depends on your perspective. there’s something about this that draws me in so intricately and then wrenches me back and makes me realize the lover is yearning for, not actually being able to love, their muse.
overall, this poem is so (JSKAJJXJJSHFKSHBFJSHSHN)
i love how much beautiful pain your words inflict, Alex <3
Thank you so much for the kind words, I'm glad to know you liked this! <3
Hey Alex
This was really the only line that stood out to me as not flowing well enough. Maybe changing it to "So I've got no worry" or something may flow a little smoother.
Love this visual.
Love this line. Very visceral.
I really like the contrast of temperature here.
Overall an enjoyable poem to read. Thanks!
Thanks for the review, bambi! The change you suggested is most appreciated, I'm taking it. Glad that you were able to enjoy the rest <3
Hey there, it's yewis' favorite crowboi
just kidding, that's @Corvid.I wanted to review a nice, tranquil poem today, and this piece reads eloquently. I like all the soft, warm-toned imagery, if it makes any sense. When I was reading this, it felt like I was watching a sunset. And I was seeing orange and yellow hues behind the words, filling in the white space.
I love the word wistfully, that's what originally caught my attention.
Highlights:
What I most enjoyed about this poem were the earthy bits, roots, tree leaves, and cherry blossoms. It gave me a way to ground myself mentally in this poem. I've touched roots, held leaves between my fingers, and smelled cherry blossoms. In fact, I most loved the man being built from clay. I hope to see more of that in poetry I love, in a gothic sense, when a man is made from clay to suit his lover and then left behind; it's so very viscerally painful. Though I understand you were saying more so, she built up his confidence. The more I reread, the more I like your poetic voice.
Favorite lines:
"This fever dream now broken"
"But you're my roots & anchor"
"To build a man up from the clay"
Nitpicks:
This whole piece, because of the characterization of the voice and the way it tends to soften things and have a dreamlike, sing-song feel, seems as though it should rhyme on first read, but it doesn't, and the more I read it, the more it feels in place. The pacing is difficult for me; it seems very long and makes it hard to keep track of which line I'm on, as they're all the same length. Because of that, in my opinion, it could benefit from either a different format or being cut into stanzas. But that could be my own personal struggle with dyslexia.
Overall, great piece.
I hope to see more from you in the future!
Thank you for the awesome review, fig!
Oh, I love that concept, even though it's a little out of my typical writing style. But I can weave it in my own way, definitely worth a try! I'll tag you when I get around to it, if that's okay? Gothic poetry is def on my bucket list.
I personally think there aren't good enough places to cut the poem into stanzas as I imagined this as a single flow read. But I can see it working better in a more innovative format. Will definitely try soon and poke here so you can share if it looks any better. Thanks for the really helpful advice again!
I'd be honored to be tagged and really curious about what you'll do with this!