The princely eyes that couldn't even recognize mine
How can I trust their bearer to see this love through?
When the midnight yields and the Sun does shine-
I'll just be a stranger, who you thought you knew
You're looking for a princess, a lie which I can't forever embody
You say you've fallen for this girl, but you don't really know me
I'm more than my missing glass heel, for I too, am somebody
But you don't hear any of it as you get down on one knee
You're in love with a fantasy, and I'm too real for your liking
It'll dawn on you one day- the dream in your head isn't me
A fairytale love for the books, our union really is striking
But not worth it. By the time you realise, too late it may be
My situation is dire, but I cannot trade one prison for another
Bounds of marriage to you scare me more than my hellish home
Drowning in supposed bliss, why does my heart die of smother?
It may look sweet to foreign eyes, but I'm stuck in the honeycomb
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141,246 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
@Tikaya <.<
Is it love?
Cinderellic chamomiles
So this is actually a reattempt. My friend and I were having a duel, where he wrote a fairytale version of it.
Here's my earlier poem
Spoiler
I escaped the confines of hell
To end up in the arms of devil
Happily ever after- is a lie they sell
Mirage- is a man, on white cheval
Taken away by my beauty and grace
Claims that he loves me, on a whim
But he doesn't even remember my face
How could I be with a man like him?
He would've married the first girl he found
With the same shoe size as me, after all
By the racing midnight clock, I was bound
Yet you didn't chase after me from the ball
My glass slipper falls, a deliberate case
I knew you were merely after the chase
And his poem-
Spoiler
Beneath the pall of cinders grey,
Where silence stitched the weary air,
She nursed a dawn no dusk could slay
A damsel in distress veiled in prayer.
The hours, austere and merciless,
Carved calloused verses on her hands
Yet every wound became blessed
Defiance, fate could not command.
Through the lanes of those dusky roads,
She segued to a princess love befall,
A prince so charming none could hoard
They so pristine, morning wolves apalled.
When midnight draped the heavens deep blue,
A single gaze transformed what fate once knew.
No gilded throne, nor jewels finely spun,
Could rival her, the fairest beneath the sun.
Devoid of riches, devoid of name,
Yet the prince defied the societal shame.
The yellow and white of their chamomiles,
Etched hues of panoramic bright tiles.
A utopian romance as endearing as them,
Dystopian lenses often damned their elm.
Though the love was beyond scope of reason,
For the myriad of passion infinitely geason.
The sheer bliss those lips intwine,
Elixir of heavenly abyss, the eternal brine.
The moonlit embraces, the unslept nights,
The bed creases, intimacy scintillating bright.
Of all the hate the cruel may build,
Of all the reasons their hypothesis may dwell.
Their love is profound, unfathomable guild,
Pristine not second to Notre Dame bells.
They lived happily ever after,
Is what the fairies echo loud.
Love as pure as chamomiles,
Indeed a prolific cinderellic shroud.
He definitely won that day and maybe even with this Queen Bee and Prince Charming poem, he might still win but I've given him some satisfactory competition now.
O yes I get it now. Still like it. Though don't know why I am team Cinderella on this one
Thank you for reading this too, they both can be very persuasive in their own way =)
I've also thought it was disturbing that Cinderella married a prince who couldn't recognize her while she was not dressed in pretty clothes, but their marriage was considered a "happily ever after" ending. Even if the prince does care for her, I got the feeling that he is rather superficial, since he was willing to marry the woman who could wear the glass slipper. That is not a good way to identify the mystery woman one falls in love with, in my opinion. I remembering hoping when I was younger that Cinderella's new home at the palace won't be as bad as her previous home, but she might not have lived a very happy life after marrying the prince who fell for her looks and nothing else, at least when they first met. Perhaps this story wasn't meant to be interpreted so negatively, but Cinderella's happy ending doesn't feel so happy if one really thinks about it. This is a well-written poem!
Thank you for the review, AliceFairfield! I'm all for reimagining established tales in my own way, I think it's a great creativity exercise for poets. I'm glad you liked it, I'm most grateful for all the high praise.
Hi @AlexWrites
This was pretty cool! I love debating Disney movies/Happy ever afters, especially since a lot of the original fairy tales/Disney source material by Hans Christians and The Brothers Grimm are actually pretty dark. The review below covered everything pretty well, so honestly I'm not going to have much to add. I really like the point that just because something looks like the ultimate dream/fantasy doesn't mean it is. Appearances are deceiving in more ways than one. That is really well conveyed in this poem. Also like the way you point out the difference between royalty and the common folk, which is really well conveyed in the;
"You're in love with fantasy, and I'm too real for your liking"
To me that says she's waiting for him to realize who she actually is. She isn't the ideal princess, not the fantasy in his head. She's someone who can't keep wearing a mask, pretending to be glass royalty for the rest of her life.
Sorry if this is dragging on, I'll end it here.
Really well done, interesting reading, definitely thought provoking as well.
Thank you for the kind words, FireSpyGirl! You're pretty spot on with the interpretations <3
Hi Alex! I enjoyed your poem and love that it's a realistic take on what Disney likely saw as "every little girl's fantasy". I LOVE Cinderella retellings and if you haven't read Cinder House by Freya Marske I highly recommend!
This is the only line in the poem that took me out of the experience a bit, particularly the "I'm too somebody". I know it is relaying that she is somebody "as well" but the way it reads makes me thinks "She's TOO somebody" like too much? Lol
Right? Does he have a foot fetish or something? How was THAT his only way of knowing. A miss on the author's part. They should have made it a mascaraed ball.
Love this line and in my brain I started singing Gotye "Somebody that I used to Know" haha
So real and brings the poem into real life hard. So many people do this!
This had me wondering what would happen if he didn't realize it in time and made me want more of this story line.
Again so real for so many people!
Love love love that you bring us back to the beginning with a call to the title of the poem. Perfect!
Thank you for the lovely review, bambibeckett!
I love writing the unpredicted sides to popular stories or stereotyped tropes, so Cinderella was really a lucky draw this time. The recommendation is noted though, I'll see if I can read it sometime. 4revgreen pointed out the too as well, plus I was thinking it when I was writing that line. I'll be changing it to 'also' or try something else but it absolutely can't stay now.
I'll be using this idea in my sequel, don't mind if I tag you when I publish it! (not anytime soon though)
So happy it worked! Thanks for all your compliments and suggestions, you've been most helpful.
Absolutely, tag me anytime!
Oh well I tried something with that 'too' line, do you think it reads better now? Or would 'also' in place of 'too' would've been better?
Oh yea! I like that SO much better. Sounds great!
There we go! Only one of your poems could be worthy of my dragon.
Ohhh what a great line!!!Also time get melancholic and sad, I guess.
(also not beating the “poems fall from trees” allegations!)
Well well well and it begins in the very first line, huh? It IS kinda telling that the prince could not recognize his girl until she put on the fancy shoe…
Tho you gotta give him at least SOME credit. He did test alllll the girls, not just princesses.
Also I’m trying to figure out if the “sn’t” is intentional as a “is not” or if there is an “i” missing…
!!!
Ohhh what a good line too! I like that you have her think beyond the initial infatuation (that apparently she’s not even feeling!)
Oh my… that bad?
I want to add that you can learn a lot abt ppl via dancing with them, so in defence of the OG story: yes, I can totally believe these two could strike a lasting connection---tho if they could make it work is a question for a different time.
I like how you say “it looks sweet from the outside” only to finish on the word “honeycomb”, the ultimate sweet thing.
Thanks for sharing :3
PS: Ahhh the title! The Queen Bee!!!! Interesting concept, because usually we associate queen bees as the ones in control and all the male bees as subservient to her! But in the end, the queen is stuck in the hive, is she not?
My poem for your dragon review, it's the greatest honor!! But in my defense, I had quite a few lines ready in my notepad. It just took some fast and vigorous thinking to tie it all together.
The Disney version at least made a masquerade to justify it, but not good enough in my opinion.
Shhhhh our Cinderella hates his eagerness too much to see at things logically XD plus this is going to be sequel where the prince will reply, so let some things remain unsaid for now
Was a typo, now fixed.
I actually stole it from a movie lol, guess which one? (It was fairly popular in queer audience, you might know if you watch them). And she did feel the love, we're at a much further time frame when the illusion has broken and she sees things to what they are really.
I believe it's about expectations too. The stepmother was hopeless, the Prince looked promising and she needed a break. But he ended up being just as cold. Also everyone telling her she's lucky must not help.
Even if they could, the Prince ruined the romance by acting on it too quick. Like imagine I go on a date and get out of there for some reason but the person chases me down. It's sweet on surface, but a little creepy. You gotta let the feelings bloom slowly. So they could, and probably would've, but Cinderella thinks him getting attached so early before they've sat and got to know each other as people is a little problematic. It was fine to have a crush, but he did cross a line.
This was actually a last minute idea I was really proud of, glad you see it that way!
Both valid points. I'll do something to turn around the former one in the reply poem though!
I'd like to defend the movie and Prince Charming. Remember those scenes in the classic Disney films of them walking together, perhaps they were speaking together and perhaps they were talking. Who knows how long Cindy and Charming were speaking together.
Perhaps I'm just a hopeless romantic but I felt personally offended at this poem, it is a lovely poem and you write quite well don't get me wrong.
Personally if I was Cindy and I met the prince and then had to leave I'd be charmed by the fact the prince is trying to find me, and considering my life before (with my step sisters) I would take any chance I could get to leave that hell, it's the prince! One day I'll be Queen! I have riches and as far as I can see a loving husband. Who cares if it's fake love, I wouldn't! It's a practical trade.
Well.. that's my two cents! I had to get that out... I like your poem though, keep it up! I'd love to hear Prince Charming's reply!
It's perfectly okay to feel this way, it's an unpopular take for a reason. I think it boils down to choice for the Cinderella of my poem, that she had no say whatsoever. Even if they talked that night, it's still a little too quick if you compare it with today's standards. But that was a different time, and things worked differently too. It was no intention of mine to offend, and I'm glad you took it optimistically and even liked it. Oh, won't you LOVE Prince Charming's response!
I just had to jump on and review this as soon as I saw you had posted this! Please beware I am on my break at work and not got my best reviewing hat on and I can always give more in-depth feedback later if you’d like!!
I really love this. The rhyme scheme is good and keeps a steady rhythm throughout the poem. The idea of Cinderella being scared of the idea of Prince Charming falling in love with her so quickly and calling it a fantasy is a really nice subversion of common fantasy tropes.
The second and fourth stanzas are a little wordier and don’t flow as well, so could do with some refining.
This like confused me a little. Is she saying she is ALSO a person / somebody as well as just a foot with a missing shoe, or is she saying I’m too somebody. Like she is an abundance of somebody? I think I know what you mean but there might be a cleaner way to phrase it!
I hope you write some more poetry soon, I really enjoyed this one!
lol imagine vulpesvelox was online and also reviewed this before I could. Then Alex would have had to post yet another poem to make me get to the required 1000 XD
Thank you for the review! This came a lot quicker than I was expecting for sure XD
About the wordiness, I believe I'm trying longer sentences in general so this might go in my poems a while now. I'll see if I can trim something down in my free time though. To be very fair, Tikaa made me post this in just half an hour to get her dragon lol.
I could replace too with also? I'm sure there is a better way but I was trying to make the rhymes work, I'll be looking into this as well though, rest assured. It might be a while until I publish another though, at least after 21 when my finals end (starting on 13 and I'm so not ready).
And Tikaa, if that indeed happened, you'd be on your own XD. I got out of my way for this one, there's no way anything good can be made this quick from scratch lol.
Good luck with the finals!!
Thanks! Well I tried something with that 'too' line, do you think it reads better now? Or would 'also' in place of 'too' would've been better?