I get drunk on your nectar
A glance & I'm no more sane
Worshipping you, I'm no rector
And I'll never be the same again
You held my hand just to let it go
Took with you, my night's sleep
Oblivious to how I miss you so
Into my dreams, you now seep
Oh dear, you've got cold feet
Since I have your glass heel
Take it from the altar seat
As you return the love I feel
Look at me as you read the vows
To always obey your heart’s call
And before this world that bows
I promise to never let you fall
Second kiss and second dance
And now the first to steal my heart
I cannot seem to break this trance
They say it's the most ecstatic part
Now midnight doesn't pull us away
So I'm drowning in married bliss
We watch as our hair turns grey
I've waited an eternity for this
You may be from paradise
But your love is all that I see
I hope my honey eyes suffice
To forever hold a queen bee
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141,246 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Hiii, Aster here!
I'll try my best to express my views on this piece 🫡
Firssttt, I really loved how you turned the familiar Cinderella story into something romantic and personal. The references to the glass heel, midnight, vows and dances fit really naturally into the poem without making it feel like you're simply retelling the original story.
Secondd, I absolutely adored the rhyme and rhythm! The poem has a very song-like quality to it, and most of the stanzas flow really smoothly. I especially liked the opening stanza as it immediately establishes that dreamy, lovestruck feeling.
Thirdd, I loved how the poem progresses from the initial attraction to marriage and growing old together. The “We watch as our hair turns grey” line was especially sweet because it shows that the speaker isn't only dreaming about the romance itself, but about an entire life together 😭
Now, onto a few areas for improvement:
First, I think a few lines could be made slightly more natural in wording. Some phrases feel like they're mainly there to complete the rhyme, so smoothing those out could make the poem flow even better.
Second, I'd love to see a little more originality in some of the imagery. Since Cinderella is already such a familiar story, adding a few unexpected metaphors or details from the speaker's own perspective could make the retelling feel even more unique.
Overall, I REALLYYY LIKED your piece! 🌷 It was sweet, whimsical and genuinely fun to read, and I really liked the fairytale-like atmosphere you created. Awesome work, and I hope to see more from you!
Thank you for the review, Aster! This is more of the expected side of my Cinderella Retelling, Cinderella's version right in this folder is more of the innovative narrative and the Prince is basically countering her argument by reminders of their famed love.
Could you elaborate on the first area of improvement- particular rhymes that need to be soothed? Quotes would be helpful!
Yooo, you're welcome!! 😆
Ohh, knowing that the Prince's poem is intentionally countering Cinderella's argument actually makes the piece more interesting to me <3
For the rhymes, I didn't mean that the rhyme scheme itself needs changing, but that a few lines seem slightly shaped around the rhyme. For example, “Since I've got your glass heel / While you return the love I feel” - “heel/feel” works nicely, but “Since I've got your glass heel” feels a little grammatically abrupt, so you might wanna smooth that sentence while keeping the rhyme.
Another is “You may be from paradise / I hope my honey eyes suffice.” I LOVE “honey eyes,” but “suffice” feels slightly more formal than the surrounding language, making the rhyme stand out a little more than I'd personally prefer. But that's just my opinion!
“Look at me as you read the vows / To always obey your heart’s call” also feels slightly uneven rhythmically; “vows/call” isn't a rhyme, so the stanza temporarily loses the musical pattern established by the previous lines.
I'd also look at “Second kiss and second dance / And now the first to steal my heart” - “dance/heart” doesn't rhyme, and the phrasing of “the first to steal my heart” feels a little less smooth than the rest.
So I wouldn't change your overall rhyme style at all! I'd mainly experiment with individual wording and rhythm so the rhymes feel effortless rather than noticeable. Hope that clarifies what I meant.
But again, your piece is genuinely insanely good 😼🌷
About the last two at least, you picked the wrong lines! The scheme is abab and you picked two consecutive lines so of course they don't work lol, honest mistake. About the rest, you raise good points. I'll consider them if I revise this poem in the future, thank you for all your help!
Ahh shiii, i didn't pay attention. My auto correct probably changed words.
I'm soo sorry! 😭😭
This was REALLY good. The nice part is that it still follows the story of prince Charming and Cinderella. Nice senteces and deep meanings.
You might wanna check out it's prequel for it to make more sense, since this is intended as more of a response. Here: Queen Bee
And thank you for the high praise, really appreciate it!