My body and soul
Both heart & my brain
Are at war all the time
And I'm the battleground
Caught in the crossfire
Of my own blood raining
Screaming to no avail
I'm writing away at heart's pleasure
But then my fingers begin to tremble
The pain that inspired the pen to sway
Also left my spirit & hand exhausted
I cry out the flood surging within me
And that leaves me feeling better but
The poems I wrote are ruined now
A part of me wants to fly away
But I'm chained to the volcano
About to burst, it's only a matter
Of time that I become a phoenix
But my mind is too scattered now
Same shall be the fate of my ashes
I fear- & I'll cease to exist altogether
Balance is hard to find but I try
Singing against the air and rain
I've never been happier, but
Cold catches up to me & soon
I'm burning up, all for wanting
To live for once. Big ambitions,
But my limitations chain me
People bound by blood gulp down
Venom, just so it passes down to me
And the friends I chase happen to be
Faster to run away from me. The ones
That choose to stay bore me, I'm sorry-
We're just not at the same frequency
At the end, I barely even love myself
I believe in no god, but I'm praying
To the Sun, the moon and the stars
Both extremes offer me their refuge
The early mornings & the midnights
I can't decide, I don't belong to one
For the life of me, but perhaps, just
Maybe, it's not that bad of a thing
Infinite is what I carry within me
What's special doesn't fit with the
Mediocre, no mould defines me.
My struggles are maddening but
They make me, break me, save me
A rose I am, one with the thorns
A falling angel- an epic story
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142,015 Literary Works • 676,332 Reviews
Heyy Alex,
I'm visiting Young Writers Society after a while, and I'm thrilled to see you're being so active still now
I read this poem during my civics lesson (guess who's not been paying attention in class XD), staring out the window from time to time. The teacher followed up right afterwards with a video about 3 people living in Europe and how impactful European values have been in their lives <3 Somehow the poem and the video clicked, and I almost teared up :') Struggling in a pool of old-fashioned ideas that's gobbled me up, I am constantly trying to find my place in a constantly changing world!
I like this stanza soo much!! There are times in our lives when we are so happy to be alive, and we feel like everything's turned up fine. But then troubles are hanging around the corner, and we find ourselves trapped in darkness again, doubting that a peaceful time ever existed
I could also relate to these lines; sometimes the very people who have nourished us once, suddenly hide behind a mass of cruel anger. It's impossible to believe that they're the same people with whom I just felt belonged. But maybe I should move on now. I shall not let anyone define who I am, although that means I have to contain the 'venom' that's poured onto me within me. I shall not turn into a snake, but I will dispose of the venom in healthy ways.
I loved this poem <3! Maybe one thing you could develop is to focus on a more specific thing in one poem. When there are all sorts of topics next to each other, it's less intimate, and tends to get confusing. Unless the reader has been there before, they could have trouble recognizing what you mean. But I guess this is relatively easy to change
Keep on the good work!!
- Wildflowers
Hey there, it's such a pleasure to see you again after all this while!! My time here has been such a blast, I couldn't have asked for anything better. Your kind words are much appreciated <3 I get trying to focus on one imagery, this was just a chaotic vent poem so I didn't plan much on binding everything together. But I'll focus more on that in the future! Thank you for your review.
The writing is sort of confusing.
I understand but don't at the same time.
Not sure if it's the metaphors used or perhaps something about it is off.
No hate btw, I'm just a little confused at what you were getting at.
Nice poem tho.
It's about the struggle between contrast- heart vs brain, ambitions vs limitations. The narrator is torn between the opposite sides to his own self, and is fighting against them- thinking he must chose one. But by the end, he realises there is a singular him (there's no separating or choosing the contrast) and he must embrace both of his sides to truly thrive. Thank you for giving this a read!
Oh ok. Thank you for explaining it.
[Comment and just ranting, not really a review just silly opinions]
I kind of don't get why having two sides is a struggle? They can help you out for sure. I felt the ending was very dramatic and I was like "Wow, main character too much?"
I mean I personally love drama in a story, but reading about them? Meh... unless it causes the character to go insane! I have caused many of my characters to go inside.. mostly my favorite ones. Anyway
I mean, I feel it's a little vague at time. Maybe that's how poems are meant to be? I never really cared for poems (unless they're really simple and understandable to me) which is why I'm always afraid to review them.
Hmm, I guess someone who works, or has strict parents could relate to this, me personally? Idk 🤷
Very nice opinion, I like the drawing. very nice drawing.. I wonder.. can you add a gif on this comment??
Hmm no..
Anyway, nice poem, I don't understand poems, bye-bye!
Well the drawing isn't mine, credit to the artist. Thank you for your input on everything, I appreciate it!
You can always add gifs by uploading them online and putting the link in the [img] bb code.
This poem feels like a fantasy story in a fever dream wrapped in personal struggles.
The lines
This is a personal preference but I think the "&" should be spelled out cause it kind of ruin the atmosphere, it doesn't feel right specially in this part
It just doesn't fit for me. Also "phoneix" should be spelled "phoenix", it's just a minor typo tho hehe ^^
Thank you for helping with the typo! The & is supposed to suggest a rushed and anxious version of 'and'. I really appreciate you reviewing this!
Hello!
Read through this and, I have to say, I have very mixed feelings. While I think you manage to convey your emotions extremely well, the writing itself misses the mark. Again, with poetry, it's not easy - or fair - to criticise writing, structure, etc. but I think there are some things here that should be called out.
For instance, the best poetry is so well remembered because it's largely metaphorical or analogous. Very rarely does direct "I feel XYZ, it feels like XYZ is happening to me" work in English poetry. The English language itself makes it sound unlyrical and uninspired - if you were writing in Persian, or Urdu, or Hindi your opening stanza would be heart-breaking, but in English it's... meh. This is more a fault of the words than yourself, but I highly recommend finding good analogies and metaphors for these feelings you wish to express.
Or write in a language better suited to poetry XD
As it stands, the poem reads less like a rendition of your heart and more like the lyrics to a one-hit wonder emo rock song from 2003. If you restyle it as a song, it actually works very well lol XD
I shall keep your words in mind, thank you for the review!