A quiet whirlpool stirs within me
The fog ahead is too thick to see
Butterflies fly erratically in my chest
This feeling of gloom knows no rest
My heart burns in twisting flames
As fate plays its elaborate games
I take in the sight of foreign places
While surrounded by unfamiliar faces
These four bare walls are rather cold
I'm missing my former cage of gold
These empty dark corridors reflect
Silent echoes of all that's wrecked
I whisper my parents' name
They call; but it's not the same
The scenes replay in my head
When I held the rail with dread
Bidding bye to mom and dad
As their expressions turned sad
That bitter moment in my mind
Overcome by tears, I go blind
My spirit is currently numb
Anxious of the life to come
I blow out the warmth of past
Can't brood over what's passed
any longer, for I must move on
And walk into the awaiting dawn
An existence torn between different towns
I chase down the leaving train sounds
Two homes- I'm an outsider in both
Sidelining kin for personal growth
How do I break this feeling down
A return ticket to an unknown town
This was once my lifelong dream
But now alone; I wail and scream
Awake in the daunting nights
Under the flickering lights
Into the void, I utter a prayer
Hoping that time repairs
This nightmare I'm in
& I return to how I had been
before I pursued my goal
At the price of my soul
My sanity has taken a toll
Today, I crave to be whole
Just to feel loved again
And bury all this pain
So… I dunno how I missed this. But I almost missed this!
I wasn’t quite vibing with the first stanza. Might be because “within me” and “thick to see” doesn’t quite rhyme for me.
But I really like the second one. I especially like this: “I'm missing my former cage of gold” Finally, someone who is appreciating the golden cage, presumably after being confronted with the harsh outside?
Oh this is also really interesting: “A return ticket to an unknown town”
Aww I did like the poem 😊 Thanks for sharing. Some of the words don’t rhyme tho which throws me off ^^
hello! Hope here, little warning- I tend to be a bit more critical and long winded than the average reviewer, but I don't want to discourage anyone or come off as mean, i like this poem, that's why i spent so long reviewing it. I think I am just a bit blunt.
:
So this poem is very symbolic, I think the meter is iambic tetrameter, but I may be wrong. there are a handful of lines that feel weak, and some places that are a bit vague so the bulk of this review will be me talking about that.
:
<A quiet whirlpool stirs within me
The fog ahead is too thick to see
Butterflies fly erratically in my chest
This feeling of gloom knows no rest
My heart burns in twisting flames
As fate plays its elaborate games>
:
this first stanza feels different than the rest of the poem. It goes from Water/fog->insect->fire->games
:
the metaphors are all mixed and it makes the meaning feel muddled. Its not incorrect or anything, it just feels less impactful than it would if the lines jived with each other better.
:
Based on the description and the rest of the poem, i assume you wanted to invoke drowning and overwhelmed imagery, while also showing how conflicted the MC is.
:
<A quiet whirlpool stirs within me
The fog ahead is too thick to see> --- scared, uncertain
:
<Butterflies fly erratically in my chest
This feeling of gloom knows no rest> ----- nervous, scared
:
<My heart burns in twisting flames
As fate plays its elaborate games> ----- nervous, torn
:
All three of these are about the same thing and mean basically the same thing, but in different ways. What this comes out to when you read it over a few times is
:
'i am nervous, in my stomach' (whirlpool imagery)
:
'i am scared about my uncertain future' (fog)
:
'i am nervous, in my chest' (butterflies)
:
'i can't stop being sad' (gloom)
:
'I am nervous/conflicted, in my chest' (fire)
:
'i feel like i have no control over my life' (fate)
:
that is too many 'i am nervous in X place' lines! the only meaning that doesn't repeat is the feeling of being sad, but even that is similar to the other lines about fear of the future. This isn't a major problem, and it wouldn't be one at all if the lines flowed together better.
:
If it felt like one, large paragraph saying 'I am Nervous And Scared Specifically in my Organs', then it wouldn't matter if it was just expressing that message, but since the metaphors are all metaphoring different types of objects. So it feels less like one statement and saying 'I am Nervous' and 'I am Scared' And 'I am Nervous' ect ect
:
Next on the list...
:
<These empty dark corridors reflect
Silent echoes of all that's wrecked>
reflect and wrecked do technically rhyme here, but its a weakspot
:
<I whisper my parents' name>
parent's names
:
<Bidding bye to mom and dad
As their expressions turned sad>
'expressions' has too many syllables so 'sad' doesn't match up with 'dad' even though they rhyme. In this case the rhyme-spot would fall on 'turned'
:
<That bitter moment in my mind
Overcome by tears, I go blind>
not incorrect, but slightly unclear
:
<My spirit is currently numb
Anxious of the life to come>
I dunno just feels off
:
<Can't brood over what's passed>
what-has works better
:
<I blow out the warmth of past
Can't brood over what's passed
any longer, for I must move on
And walk into the awaiting dawn>
okay so i dunno how to explain this but you write in pairs of two, so you can't have the 'brood' line and the 'any longer' line do that,
:
<An existence torn between different towns
I chase down the leaving train sounds>
leaving train sounds is off
:
<How do I break this feeling down>
needs '?'
:
<This nightmare I'm in
& I return to how I had been>
& is really odd
:
the final stanza is long, but thats fine for an ending, the biggest issue with it is that it breaks the established structure *too* much , it feels more rambling than the rolling pace in the previous stanzas