The 13th of July

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Hmm...well that was quite a story there, it started out looking like it would be a lot more innocent than it turned out to be and wow the twist there in the middle where its just the thing that you least expect happening in the end, it definitely is a story that keeps you in suspense the whole time as to what might happen.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was the 13th of July. Gabriel Good had been out with friends. Weeks had passed since he’d seen them. The Horse’s Head pub was the destination that was mutually agreed by the group, where they gathered and caught up on lost time. Work had played a huge part in Gabriel’s social life taking a rather unusual nose-dive in the past few weeks. He was an out-going individual, loved by everyone and never had a bad word to say about anyone. That was the description of him written in his school year book fifteen years before.

After one of the most enjoyable nights Gabriel had experienced in weeks he headed home in the early hours of a cool Friday morning. It was pitch black, the mild yellow street lamps offering the only light, warming the cold air and crowding out the dark.

e had a decision to make. His flat was on the other side of the park, a 15 minute walk away from the pub. He had to travel all the way around town to get there. Or, he could go through the underpass. It was mildly lit by erratic lights, which gave it a slightly eerie feeling. It was isolated and dark.

Gabriel was usually fussy about things like this. Safety and security meant smiles. It was a short, minute-long walk through the underpass, chopping off an extra five minutes from his original ‘trek’ as he had complained to his friends. Gabriel was very decisive, he either did something or didn’t, there was barely any thought in between the transition from stimulus to response. It was one of his many positive features.

The long, narrow, short-cut through the underpass looked ever more appealing the closer Gabriel drew towards it, the saving in time and effort made it an easy decision. The trembling lights offered little comfort as Gabriel took his first steps inside the cold, slightly forbidding tunnel. A glance at his phone told him that it was 2:37a.m, confirming his decision was the correct one. Logical.

He ventured further into the gloom, the uneven flashing lights showing graffiti on the walls. Nasty. Offensive. Ungrammatical.

The next set of flashes showed Gabriel Good that he wasn’t alone in the underpass. A person had appeared. A shadowy figure shifting forwards, coming closer with every flicker. The figure wore black. Completely black. His hood covered his head, his face cloaked in darkness as if he wore a balaclava. The figure moved quickly, walking as if in a hurry to get somewhere and get something done.

Gabriel walked faster realising that his pace had faltered. He’d shortly be free from the underpass and back to his warm, comforting bed. Reassuring. He was less anxious now realising, that the city of Preston was not known for crime. As he hurried through the underpass the footsteps of the mysterious figure grew closer and louder.

Gabriel’s distracted himself, he thought of work in the morning and how much he loathed it. He was up at six for a nine-till-five shift. His motivation was low. He needed team building or a positive attitude. He was thinking intensely about this and as he did realised that he could no longer hear the footsteps, only, sharp, rapid breaths. As he turned his head, a shining, silver blade appeared from behind and a black arm closed around his chest ensuring he could not escape.

‘Wallet and phone now,’ came an anxious and frenzied voice from beside Gabriel’s ear.

Gabriel didn’t move. He didn’t dare. All he looked at was the blade of the knife. He had to make a decision. He needed his phone. It was his social hub. His hand slid towards his pocket, then swiftly stabbed his elbow into the attacker’s exposed abdomen. The man gasped. He had winded him. His grasp loosened and Gabriel took his chance. They struggled, slipping and craping on the ground in the gloom. The attacker lunged forward but it was all a blur. Gabriel dodged, he seized his hand.

The struggle became a fight,. The blade of the knife flashed, there was a sudden groan. The colour started to drain from the man’s face. He grew paler and paler, falling away from Gabriel, the blade of the knife buried in his chest. Blood started to run freely. Gabriel stared into his face. He didn’t recognise him. Assailant, unknown.

Gabriel panicked and turned, fleeing from the underpass, desperate to leave the night behind him. He ran into the cool expanse of the park, cloaked in mist, pausing to catch his breath. He doubled over. What about that guy? His victim. A million thoughts invaded his brain. The knife, he remembered the knife! Even though he wasn’t into CSI and stuff like that, he knew that they’d be able to trace the knife to him.

Oh God! What could he do? Decisions! He needed to get rid of that body! He turned quickly and ran back to the gloomy underpass, after checking that no-one was following him. All clear. The lights were flickering again, seemingly slower this time, barely illuminating anything. He peered closer as the lights came on. Nothing. Empty space lay before him, only a small pool of blood and the stained knife to remind him of what happened. He snatched it up.

Panic shivered through Gabriel and once again his decision came instantly. He had to find his attacker. He turned corner after corner, dashing around like the maniac he had become, looking down each street hoping to see a hobbling black figure. Where was he? Frustration came and went, fear, anxiety. All of them at once. Turning into a housing estate he had to wipe the glistening sweat from his brow. As his hand came down, he noticed a figure, dressed in black walking slower than usual. Got him!

Once more the decision came, crucial decision. He had to finish the job before he could make his way to the police. No-one would believe it was an accident. He’d heard stories in newspapers. Unflinching and determined, Gabriel sprang on the figure like a big cat seizing its prey. The knife flashed in the dim light. The figure fell. Dead.

With a heavy breath, a mixture of regret and relief, Gabriel turned over the body and his face paled. It was an old face but a dead face. It was not the face of his attacker.

Loved the story, but hated to see it end! You should definently continue on this... There are some errors which I won't delve into such as voicing and paragraph structure which I think you can fix yourself. Few grammatical errors here and there but no major plot mistakes.:

"Gabriel was very decisive, he either did something or didn’t, there was barely any thought in between the transition"
Would you say this is positive? It could give more of a positive sense if you omit "barely any thought"

"Gabriel took his first steps inside the cold, slightly forbidding tunnel. "
Forbidding is used right here... Forbidding-Unfriendly or threatening in appearance. For example: A grim and forbidding building. Forboding on the other hand means-Fearful apprehension; a feeling that something bad will happen. Foreboding is also a noun and won't be used vorrectly in this sentence.

‘Wallet and phone now,’
Replace this with quotation marks ("")


"He had winded him"
Either define who "he" is, or define who "him" is. I know the reader understants who is who, but there is still ambiguity.

"craping"
What does this mean? Maybe instead you could use 'brawling' instead?

"He grew paler and paler, falling away from Gabriel, the blade of the knife buried in his chest."
Again, the readers know what you mean, but it still is a poorly constructed sentence. Reword it like this. The assailant grew paler and paler as he fell away from Gabriel with a knife buried deep in his chest.

Last one...
" He peered closer as the lights came on. Nothing. Empty space lay before him, only a small pool of blood and the stained knife to remind him of what happened."
Unless this is fiction, there is no way the man could have walked away having a "pool of blood" from the knife.

Overall, nice story. Remember, I don't mean for my criticism to discourage you... Just keep working and adding on because I know this story will be great!

Wow! Great story, kept me on my toes. I could find few errors as I read, but that was probably due to the suspense I felt. I didn't expect the ending, therefore, it was a nice yet dark surprise to a seemingly predictable story. I will say that I especially enjoyed the fact that Gabriel turned back to try to clean up the evidence. I know that most crime TV shows and the like, often depict acts such as these as happening fast, and the perpetrator fleeing instantly, but what would we really do? I mean, we would all naturally be thinking about covering our tracks, and you portrayed that perfectly.
Thanks for the good read.

Loved the story, but hated to see it end! You should definently continue on this... There are some errors which I won't delve into such as voicing and paragraph structure which I think you can fix yourself. Few grammatical errors here and there but no major plot mistakes.:

"Gabriel was very decisive, he either did something or didn’t, there was barely any thought in between the transition"
Would you say this is positive? It could give more of a positive sense if you omit "barely any thought"

"Gabriel took his first steps inside the cold, slightly forbidding tunnel. "
Forbidding is used right here... Forbidding-Unfriendly or threatening in appearance. For example: A grim and forbidding building. Forboding on the other hand means-Fearful apprehension; a feeling that something bad will happen. Foreboding is also a noun and won't be used vorrectly in this sentence.

‘Wallet and phone now,’
Replace this with quotation marks ("")

Note: Realising, no. Realizing, yes.

"He had winded him"
Either define who "he" is, or define who "him" is. I know the reader understants who is who, but there is still ambiguity.

"craping"
What does this mean? Maybe instead you could use 'brawling' instead?

"He grew paler and paler, falling away from Gabriel, the blade of the knife buried in his chest."
Again, the readers know what you mean, but it still is a poorly constructed sentence. Reword it like this. The assailant grew paler and paler as he fell away from Gabriel with a knife buried deep in his chest.

Last one...
" He peered closer as the lights came on. Nothing. Empty space lay before him, only a small pool of blood and the stained knife to remind him of what happened."
Unless this is fiction, there is no way the man could have walked away having a "pool of blood" from the knife.

Overall, nice story. Remember, I don't mean for my criticism to discourage you... Just keep working and adding on because I know this story will be great!

This story really embraces the old idiom "People are changed by their world; rarely vise-verse". Here you have a really good guy, it's even in his name. But his world is flipped over. The imagery you used was fantastic. It really helped give a proper setting to each moment. From a psychological stand-point, maybe him making snap decisions is more of a bad thing; as he doesn't think to consider the consequences of his actions. One issue I had was in one sentence: "slightly forbidding tunnel". I might be just me, so bear with me, but it seems like 'Foreboding' would be the better word-of-choice. Also, "Once more the decision came, crucial decision". It seems like improper structure to not have an "a" after the comma. It just distracts me from the tension of the story. Overall, a highly enjoyable read. Keep it up!