Diary of a Homeless Person

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this is definitely a story idea I've never seen before and I think it is pretty interesting here....I definitely enjoyed it...and its something I've never seen before. Well...more details down below

Anyway let's get right to it,

Tonight, I’m happy.

I’ve found warmer shelter under a dark, slightly broken bridge. I have company too. There’s three men sat in the corner and they look to be starting a warm fire. Brilliant! This seems like a hotel compared to my last three nights sleep. Well, I say sleep. My nights usually consist of wandering around trying to find a small shelter where I can lay down for a few hours. I’m very rarely that lucky. Where ever I go it seems like someone’s beaten me to it or the shelter I seek is simply unbearable. Yes, I, a homeless man (not tramp, merely homeless) will judge shelter. It’s rare that this happens though.

It’s rained hard for the last three nights, which means the word warm didn’t enter my vocabulary at any point during this period. However, tonight I seem to have hit the ‘jackpot for the poor’. Lying under the bridge, with my trusty companion Jack, I have reached the peak of my luck for this month.

Jack is my very loyal and slightly deranged King George Spaniel. My greatest possession and my greatest friend. The only living thing that ever seemed to listen and understand me. I’ve had Jack since I was 23 years old when he was a present for my late wife. He always seemed to stick close to me whenever we went out and I always felt as though he was my dog and not my wife’s. I don’t know why but at this moment in time I wouldn’t be without him for the world.

I say my greatest possession but there’s not a lot to choose from if I’m honest. Even then he’d still be my favourite.

Back to the bridge, where the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time awaits me. This seems to be a popular place amongst the homeless as there’s more people turning up every five minutes. This doesn’t bother me though as I have settled in my spot and I won’t be moved until the morning.

The orange bricks seem to glow as I stare at them wondering how I’ve managed to come to such a place, a wreck to the man with a home, a home to the man without one. I was growing tired, the heat from the newly born fire a factor in this tiredness. I lay my head on my backpack filled with a rather large blanket and a hat. I wouldn’t need my blanket tonight as I was as warm as a man in my situation could be and happier than I should be.

It’s a long time since I’ve been this happy and I’ve still got no reason to be jubilant like this.

My head is on my backpack which is working as my pillow for the night. Jack is curled up and comfy as my eyes close as I drop into a worry-less sleep, a more than deserved sleep, and wait for the morning that awaits me.

I sincerely hope it never arrives.

Welcome to YWS! I see you have already written a short story and reviewed some work. Great job! This is Magenta here, if you didn't already know. I know that you have already received reviews and comments, but I wanted to read this and review it anyway!

I only have a few critiques and they are all nitpicks. But this is a review, and I'm here to help in any way possible. I'll start in the beginning.

"Tonight, I’m happy.

I’ve found warmer shelter under a dark, slightly broken bridge. I have company too. There’s three men sat in the corner and they look to be starting a warm fire. Brilliant! This seems like a hotel compared to my last three nights sleep. Well, I say sleep. My nights usually consist of wandering around trying to find a small shelter where I can lay down for a few hours. I’m very rarely that lucky. Where ever I go it seems like someone’s beaten me to it or the shelter I seek is simply unbearable. Yes, I, a homeless man (not tramp, merely homeless) will judge shelter. It’s rare that this happens though."

I would first suggest removing the last sentence in this paragraph. I don't think it is needed and is simply there. As humans who are accustomed to taste, we already understand how certain shelters would be repulsing. But as a person who is not homeless, it is only your job to open your readers eyes and take them into your character's own thoughts.

My second suggestion to you, is to change your sentence, "I'm very rarely lucky", to something along the lines of "With homelessness, you are not afforded luck".

And one last thing...

"My head is on my backpack which is working as my pillow for the night. Jack is curled up and comfy as my eyes close as I drop into a worry-less sleep, a more than deserved sleep, and wait for the morning that awaits me."

The second sentence that we have here, is certainly very long with things you do not need, such as commas and words. I would rewrite this sentence. It isn't because of the word "as" that makes this seem long. Instead of taking both out, you can place "and" before the last. I don't know if worry-less should be used here either. And also, you say you wait for the morning, but if you don't want it to arrive, then why are you waiting for the awaiting morning? Instead of nitpicking each of the things in this sentence, I'll just rewrite one for you, to give you an idea.

"I close my eyes as Jack curls up next to me, feeding warmth between our bodies. I slowly drift to sleep and it's as if I have no worries. But there is always the morning.
I sincerely hope it never arrives"

Okay, that is really all I have to give to you. I'm glad you joined YWS and I hope that there are many more posts to come! Need anything? Just summon me!

- Magenta

Hello. I am wisegirl22, and it is a pleasure to meet you. Can't wait to see your talents!

I only found one nitpick so far. I think you need a comma straight after the parentheses, no space. Just trying to help.

"Yes, I, a homeless man (not tramp, merely homeless) will judge shelter."

You also need quotation marks around "warm", just as I so generously demonstrated right then.

"...which means the word warm didn’t enter my vocabulary at any point during this period."

Just place a tiny comma after "why". Don't worry, it's a little mark, and it won't make your hand fall off. Very rare that your hand does.

"I don’t know why but at this moment in time I wouldn’t be without him for the world."

Two commas, after "me", and "though".

"This doesn’t bother me though as I have settled in my spot and I won’t be moved until the morning."

Seeing as this man has a fire to sleep by, and a warm place to snuggle, shouldn't he be jubilant? You know, for a homeless man and all?

"...and I’ve still got no reason to be jubilant like this."

I think you don't need to have a hyphen. Just say "worriless".

"Jack is curled up and comfy as my eyes close as I drop into a worry-less sleep..."

This journal entry was great by far, although I wonder how the man salvaged a journal, or something to write on and with. Might consider explaining that. Overall, though this was good, and I hope to hear more from you in the future!

-wisegirl22

This was quirky. When I read this I was listening to "Count On Me" by Bruno Mars so I really got the feel of the relationship between the man and his dog.

This is supposed to be a journal or a diary entry. I feel like in the beginning it started off sounding like that. However, towards the end of the story it loses that feel. I think the key to a diary entry is to make the reader forget that they're reading an actual diary entry. I think that this was done almost too well here. How could the man be writing if his eyes are closing? I think in this short it was that you forgot what you were writing. That kinda threw me off a bit.

I love this unique POV. A homeless man with a dog he cares for almost more than he cares for himself. Not too many people write from this perspective and I think you've done it fairly well. I like that you made the man seem content despite his hardships. I think you would really like the song "I'm Alright" by Jake Miller.

One thing I'd really like to know is this: what happened between the man and his wife? Did they get a divorce and he ended up with the short end of the stick as far as money and possessions? I can't be completely sure. Anyway. I think it would do you well to read over this and add in some commas. There were some sentences (a few of them run ons) that were difficult to read and I think would benefit from some added punctuation. There was also a rather awkward sentence/s towaard the end that I would like to point out.

Jack is curled up and comfy as my eyes close as I drop into a worry-less sleep, a more than deserved sleep, and wait for the morning that awaits me.

Hi, well first off this is a great diary writing. I feel as if though man, a homeless man, is talking to me personally. I bet many readers will be pleased with this writing. Your grammar is excellent, you put periods were they need to be. The only part I didn't get was when he said:Back to the bridge, where the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time awaits me. I think that wasn't necessary. you could have just went back to the present time more gradually, maybe someone interrupted his thought. Overall it was very good, I'm hoping to see much more.
Your friend, Poseidon