Long ago, there was an evil tribe of animals of the sky and land who sought to enslave the people of Lyran and take over the kingdom. The king sent forth his knights and soldiers, only to find that they all perished. Then, a cloud of darkness settled over the once mighty kingdom. For it was a time of darkness and despair.
Then, four owls arose from the darkness to answer the call, to save the people of Lyran from the groping hands of The Shadow. They accumulated a sword of great power and used it to send pieces of land skyward, beyond even the clouds. Together, the four courageous owls fought The Shadow in an epic battle and defeated him. They then created an order called the Guardians of Lyran.
Now to this day, the kingdom of Lyran is restored, and the heroes are a legend. But now a new darkness is stirring, and there are heroes. There are always heroes. And all of them have beginnings.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hello, AlexOfLight, I'm FantasyWriter76, or Fantasy76 if you preferred. I'm here to review this story. I had stumbled upon it when I looked into your profile from Roleplay Geeks. This looked like a good area to start reviews on, so here it is:
The Positives:
Now, I don't like stories with animal protagonists. But hear me out! I didn't actually mind that the protagonists were owls in your story. Usually, this is where I'd stop reading because I have an irrational hate for animal protagonist story, but this actually kept me interested, so congratulations! You got me to read an animal story! I also like the plot, formulaic enough to feel like a classic, and original at the same time so it stands out! I hope you continue this little series here, and I'll read it and review it!
The Negatives (REMEMBER: ART IS SUBJECTIVE!):
I have only two problems: The over-done spacing between paragraphs, and the length. And quick note: This is one story that I have no nitpicks to list! No grammar problems, no bad punctuation, etc. Good job! This story is very polished. If you find anything here rude or insulting, you have my permission to ignore it.
Between each paragraph is a ridiculous amount of spaces. Between para. 1 and 2 is like 4 or 5 spaces! Same with 2 and 3, but that one has a smaller amount. Just 1 or 2 spaces will do, so probably get on that.
Secondly, this is short! Even for a prologue! This is where you can put as much exposition about your world in, yet the three paragraphs don't feel like they are enough, maybe a paragraph about what the Darkness is exactly, or maybe an insert on the four owl heroes, you know! I feel I don't know enough about this world, more expo. Later on would be a good compromise, though.
I like where you're going here, so please continue! Time for my un-needed rating of the overall story. I give this story a 4 Dark clouds out of 5 (4/5). This has been Fantasy76, signing off.
-FantasyWriter76/Fantasy76
*Chills* Good job! I read this out loud in a really dramatic voice Haha. Can't wait to read more:3
Thanks!
I wonder why there is so much space between the paragraphs. Also, why is everything in italics? This prologue really catches my attention, and I want to know more about Lyran, and how owls can accumulate a sword. How anyone can gather together or acquire an increasing number or quantity of a sword, in fact. I also like how the prose isn't overly elaborate.
I have no idea why I put that much space. The prologue was put in italics to make it seem older, and more like a legend is being told. As for the sword, they just found the sword.
Funny thing is, I don't even know what specifically happened before this story. It didn't seem right to just start the story without background information. I made this up as I typed, and it came out this good.
They found the sword? I thought they created the sword together.
Eh, well they are chosen heroes of legend, not sorcerers. Their Deities made the sword.
I think the wording confused me.
What part?
The "accumulate" part. I thought you might have picked the wrong synonym from a thesaurus.
ZeldaIsShiek is back with another review on yet another LOZ/GOG fan fiction review. I personally did like this story, and I really wanted it to be continued. But you already know that in real life.
I see a lot of errors here, but that is probably because you wrote it on your phone. I think it would be good as not the first chapter of a story, but a prologue explaining everything in the story before the characters come into the story.
"Long ago, there was an evil tribe of animals of the sky and land who sought to enslave the people of Lyran and take over the kingdom."
I felt that this opening sentence really brought out the LOZ of this fan fiction. I can't really see this fitting into a fan fiction that relates to Gaurdians of Ga'Hoole at all. I think it would be much better used as just a LOZ fan fiction, but I do really want to see this become a full story. I also think it would be a much better idea to make 1-2 thousand word chapters, instead of trying to make smaller chaters such as this prologue.
Anyways, I really hope to see you update this on your fanfiction.net account soon! ZeldaIsShiek, out!
What errors? Also, technically it's an original idea, but I was inspired by both to write it. If I made it longer, it would be dragging on. Really, it is saying what has gone on before the story, so readers have background knowledge. It was told as a legend to make it more interesting and engaging.
Hey, it's Codayy here for a review today. This going to be sort of short because it is a prologue-type of work here.
Clouds or "a cloud" here.
Put a period a period after the first "there are heroes". Sounds weird.
There's truly not much to talk about here. I've never been a fan of prologues because it feels like you could just cleverly insert into the story, but I digress. I'll give opinion on the idea you presented since that's the only that I can think of giving.
I don't think that this piece can stand out from the rest unless you introduce some twist into the main story. Right now it sounds like Link's Four Sword adventure, but they're owls. Give me something that I would never see coming. That's what I like. This right is leaning towards the direction MC's has somekind of beginning, upbringing, and some big climax with a few obstacles along. And, well, I want more flare to that.
I will give a thumbs up on how natural the story-telling is. It's not that weird, old English talk that leaves the readers confused in a new setting. You got the events told without dragging on which is great for prologue.
I really do apologize for harsh this sounded. This piece just didn't give enough events to really add on to what I said. I will review chapter one to help you improve in things that isn't just ideas which is a more opinionated area. Hope to see you there!
Yeah, I thought it sounded like Four Swords too, but it isn't like it. This story is LoZ and Guardians of Ga'hoole together. Thanks for the review!
Is this based off of Guardians of Ga'hoole?
Yes!