Guardians of Lyran: Chapter one

Hey, it's FantasyWriter76, and today I'll be reviewing your "Guardians of Lyran: Chapter One".
I've already reviewed the prologue, just so you know I'm caught up, though it hardly seems important, as this just introduces the protagonist and doesn't progress the story.

Time to start with...

The Positives
The protagonist is introduced, though they have no permanent name that is established (or atleast I think), they are very smart for a baby. Though this questionable, which is why I'll bring it up later, this makes the story move along to the point faster, as a baby that can't talk can really hold a conversation, am I right? So that was a good decision on the writer's part.

Segwaying into...

The Negatives (Remember: ART IS SUBJECTIVE!)
Now like said earlier, I will cover:
-How a Baby knows so much so early.
And:
-The Ending
-Nitpicks and stuff

Our protagonist is a baby right? Then how does it know cognitive thinking and speech? Example:

I was tapping my beak against the shell that surrounded me. I was almost out of this tiny prison when CRACKKKKKKKK! The shell split in half and I flopped onto strange fluffy stuff. Voices gasped and cooed at me. Then, a voice announced, “It’s a girl! What should we name her?”

You asked for a review so here I am. There's a few things I noticed...

I was tapping my beak against the shell that surrounded me. I was almost out of this tiny prison when CRACKKKKKKKK! The shell split in half and I flopped onto the floor. Voices gasped and cooed at me. Then, a voice announced, “It’s a girl! What should we name her?”
Hahaha this is great. I didn't realise this was a birthing scene until the 'it's a girl' but when I realised I couldn't help but laugh. I've never thought to write from the perspective of a bird just hatching so I commend you on your imagination. Brilliant. But, I think your hatchling is a little too smart for a creature that's just been born. How do they know what cooing is? How do they know their shell is a prison when it's ALL they've known? Stuff like that.

There was an ancient, rumpled looking, hunched over creature that looked weary. Another looked bright, and cheery, with sparkling, jewel bright eyes. The one on the left looked proud, their chest puffed out, their eyes fierce, like they accomplished something.
I like your descriptions, especially of their feathers. Just watch out for 'look', you've used the word a lot and it sounds repetitive. Try replacing it in some areas.

"What are barns and owls?"
Again. How can the creature talk already? I think this needs a little more explanation. Otherwise, it's a cute first chapter. I hope those few points helped you!

Heiyo, AlexOfLight! I'm getting a very Ga'Hoolish vibe from this piece. The name gives it away--Guardians of Lyra? A lot like Guardians of Ga'Hoole, don't you think? My first tip is that you think of a more original title instead of just replacing Ga'Hoole with Lyra.

Second of all, there are some sentences that I had to reread to understand it. Such as this one:

"Umm.... why name her after when your wings lock and you fall?" Consider rewording it to be, "Umm... why name her after the state of your wings locking and falling?" Or whatever fits your liking.

In this section, after the word "on," there shouldn't be a whole new paragraph. Just join the two sentences together. In addition, put a space after "whispered," and limit your ellipses to three dots, not four.

"The arguing continued on,

Until a slow, hoarse, windy voice unlike anything I heard in the first few minutes of my life, whispered,"Let the mother decide her name...."

Again, when Soara is declaring that she likes her name and says she's hungry, you separate three sentences into three paragraphs that don't have to exist. Again, just join the sentences together and save your reader the trouble of scrolling.

About that part with Soara discovering fire... I'm wondering how barn owls are able to get a fire in their hollow. Have they figured out how to make a fire by themselves? And how did they get it--rubbing two sticks together? To me, it seems a little unrealistic, but you can decide that.

Lastly, I have a nitpick about the ending. It finishes quite abruptly, with Soara's great-great-grandmother explaining her title. Endings should be well-developed, and chapter endings must tie it off neatly. Can you add a sentence or two that ends the chapter nicely?

I enjoy the idea of a spin-off of Ga'Hoole, but I want more originality, like I said about the title. The fact that Soara and Soren are both barn owls and have similar names gives it away to the reader. If you're being deliberate about it, then keep those details, but if not try to change that.

This is an interesting chapter and I would like to see more. You did a good job with this, but there's always room for improvement. Luckily, that's what YWS is for! Keep writing, AlexOfLight!

XOX,
Artemis28

This is ZeldaIsShiek coming back to the Guardians of Lyran series for another review. I'll start this one off by saying that I have read this already, but I've noticed more mistakes that you have made this way. Let's begin.

First off, I noticed when the family is deciding on the name for it's new member, the dialogue is choppy and unclear. At times you have up to eight strings of dialogue with no attachment. I did notice, however, that this made it feel more like a movie. It did help me really visualize the scene in my head, but I do not recommend it for a Facfiction.net based story.

Another thing I thought you would have done with the dialogue is added names to your sentences. Just having dialogue after dialogue with no introduction to the character will kill off your story and alienate the reader. It will accomplish nothing for the story but make it sound like you are bad at writing and reading in general. This is okay for the story's overall scale, but I think it really alienates your readers from the main story and makes them confused.

Now that we have gone over a few things you did wrong, let's see what I liked about your story. First of all, I really thought that the subtle introduction to the main setting of the story through the eyes of a hatching owlet was a brilliant opening, but again, would feel really great in a movie. I would also like to point out that this whole thing really felt like a movie to me, and it really let me grasp the full scene of the story as a whole. I didn't really feel like I was a owlet, just hatching into the world of owls, but I felt like I was watching an owlet hatching out of her egg on the big screen. This is why, no matter how many times I read it, I will always have the same visualisation of Soara (Obviously a rip-off of Soren, by the way) first hatching.

I personally really liked it. If you keep working on it it's going to turn out great. But I do have a few things to say. First of all it needs a bit more description in it. Also (this kind of goes with a the first one) you need to describe what the characters in the story are. I not really sure but I think they were Barn Owls.

I personally really liked it. If you keep working on it it's going to turn out great. But I do have a few things to say. First of all it needs a bit more description in it. Also (this kind of goes with a the first one) you need to describe what the characters in the story are. I not really sure but I think they were Barn Owls.

I was tapping my beak against the shell that surrounded me.
Um, don't birds use their egg teeth to break their eggs?
"I recommend you to not touch that, young'un." Whispered the same mysterious voice from before.
Unless it's a question mark or exclamation point, don't put punctuation in dialogue before a dialogue tag. Also, don't capitalize the first letter of the dialogue tag.
"That's fire, if your asking."
It should be you're, not your.
[/nitpicking]
This chapter does a pretty good job of introducing me to the story. I noticed a lot of similarities to Guardians of Ga'hoole, but you said it was kind of a fanfiction and not plagarism, so I'm OK with it being similar. I hope you continue your story.

Hey, Aleta here for a review.

I'll be honest here, when I read this short piece I got this strong elementary vibe. The punctuation was slightly off and I feel like it was not descriptive enough. Yes, there was simple imagery although I felt that it needed more to really bring it home. I also notice that you like to use ellipsis a lot, which is not good at all. In a published novel, you have to limit things like that especially.

Everyone gasped and awwed at me.

The word choice of everyone is so plain and boring. The awwed part does add to the elementary vibe again. Perhaps you could say something different? I'll provide an example.

In the recesses of the dark den, my ringing ears could hear the startled gasps as I emerged from the shell.

Also, the way you word this makes it sound as if it's more human than anything, not animalistic.

Then, someone said “It’s a girl! What should we name her?”

Meh. You need to add more to this. You could talk about a specific, perhaps elderly and important dragon approaching the newborn, describing that elderly dragon etc. Here is an example.

A female dragon with scales gleaming with a red sheen approached me, and I felt like cowardly prey under her amber iris'. "It is a girl. What shall we name her?" she huffed.

""Let the mother decide her name...."

If you are going to use ellipsis, the standard is to use three dots and nothing more. But honestly you do not need this whatsoever.

"I like the name Soara and I'm hungry."

Everyone in the hollow stopped and stared at me.....

Split that up into two sentences. Stop at I like the name Soara and then take out the and. Perhaps add some imagery?

"I like the name Soara. I'm hungry." I shyly gazed up at the expectant faces around me.

Again with the everyone thing. It isn't good to use that word in a novel unless it is just necessary. Elementary vibes again.

The story could have potential if it was improved by far. I hope I helped and was not too harsh.