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by AlexDarke

A misty moon hung lazily in the sky as if it were an abandoned papier mâché ball. It’s surface – ugly. Not smooth. Rough. Cavernous. Ugly. Not beautiful. Above all else, not beautiful.

Like her.

She walked. Hills, grassy, fell beneath her feet. Tough feet. Journeyed feet. She drank in the night sky. The diamond stars. And the ugly moon. Dog panted behind her. She drank him in too. But, he was probably only there for the blood, it trickled down her arm in giant red rivers as if a great dike that had been waiting to shatter finally did.

Finally shattered.

Into a million pieces. Shattered like a mirror. When hit with a fist. Or a plate. Smashed against a shoulder. An egg in a pan. Millions upon millions of eggs made each morning and used for baking, used as distractions from the main issue, from the iron fists of the man who used her and Mr. Johnny alternatively or sometimes together in a violent concoction, as a distraction from the first one, the first wife, the one who was killed by Mr. Johnny himself, and him. Of course. Shattered like an egg.

Or a mind.

An ambulance. Its siren – blaring out. Disrespectfully. Shaking the night. Grabbing it. By its throat. And throttling it. The peaceful night. Under the stars. She thought that she heard waves crashing in the distance. But it wasn’t waves – crashing against the rocks. No, the still ocean was too far away. Dog made a strange noise behind her. As if it were drowning. She reached a crest to a hill. There was a forest below her. The city seemed so far away. The mist seemed to be thinning over the moon. She hitched up her dress and ran, with all the might and joy that she could manage. Dog ran beside her, chasing after the twirling figure that seemed to splatter blood wherever she went. But she went too fast. Her feet hooked around her dress.

She fell.

And there were doctors around her. Paramedics. Kneeling over her in the soft grass. the moon peeked over their shoulders. Clear. She smiled. They were shouting medicine names and other important things. But they were too late. She was free. And they couldn’t keep her here. And they couldn’t block out the moon.

And it was beautiful.





Note By Author -

So if you liked this, and want more visit my blog, or my facebook page both are very new.

I'll be posting one story at least once a week, and another will be up tomorrow :)

Oh and do tell me what you think of my first post!

Below is the original version of this story, all unedited and raw. I think looks more romantic and good when written with a typewriter so I figured some of you will probably feel the same, hence:

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260 Reviews

Points: 15020
Reviews: 260

Mon Jan 06, 2014 5:39 am
TriSARAHtops wrote a review...

I really liked the style of this piece. The fragmented sentences could have been your story's undoing, however they worked really well, I believe. Somehow, I didn't mind the lack of information about the character's past etc, instead I kind of got drawn in by the rhythmic sensation of the writing.
I don't know if I'm a fan of the first sentence, to be honest. It feels a little clunky and doesn't quite suit the style of the rest of it. Love the imagery it provides, though, so I'd recommend sticking with the same visual and reworking the wording. Just my opinion, and I've noticed that there's some positive feedback for the first line, so it might just be me.
Tiny nitpick- you've got a grammar mistake in the second sentence, 'It's' instead of 'Its'. There were no other mistakes that I noticed, so a thumbs up on that front.
The ending I loved, especially that you bundled the story up by referring to the moon again. There's some really delightful imagery in there.
Lovely writing, and a captivating read. Very well done.
I did type this on a tablet, so if there are any horrendous typos in this review, I'm sorry.

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31 Reviews

Points: 2095
Reviews: 31

Thu Dec 19, 2013 1:53 am
SageofthePage wrote a review...

It does look lovely in typewriter, I might try that. Anyway, I applaud you for both the title and the first sentence of this flick, it pulled the reader in instantly, and that's always a good skill to have.

May I offer some advice? After a few lines, the story began to jumble itself. An effective strategy, and I have a feeling that's the presence you were going for, but it became hard to understand what was going on. We know little about the character or her past or why she thinks she's ugly beyond her smashed emotions, which had millions of metaphors, all of them excellent, but one would have conveyed the same message clearly.

The end clarified that original confusion a bit, but left me with a feeling of being unfulfilled. She believed the moon was beautiful in death, that was a beautiful line, yet I suspect you could have written more emotion in there and it would have been phenomenal.

Other than that I really enjoyed this. keep writing!

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81 Reviews

Points: 10056
Reviews: 81

Wed Dec 18, 2013 5:00 pm
Deadman wrote a review...

Hi, and welcome to YWS! Alright, well I loved the story! Normally I hated fragmented writings, but the way you pulled it off was amazing! The imagery was so amazing! I felt like I was quite literally there. I felt everything that happened, and I watched it play out in front of my eyes. I only have two things to harp on. The first one would have to be the same thing that Sureal said. Watch out for cliché phrases. Also, I could tell exactly how this story would end. I've seen this same plot played out a hundred times. Yours was the different, mainly because of the fragments, and the details. I loved it though, and wish I had a bit more background information.

Next would be something that irritated me.

"Dog panted behind her."

"Dog made a strange noise behind her"

"Dog ran beside her,"

When you first introduced the dog "a" should have started that. Then later you should have "The" in front of dog. Read those sentences to yourself, they just sound downright weird. I understand you were trying to be all omniscient and stuff, but you can't excuse bad grammar for that. These are little nitpicks, and would make it flow so much better.

Overall there wan't much wrong with the story at all. I loved the whole thing, even the fragments. The detail and imagery was amazing. You really engaged me as a reader. I hope to see more from you, and by the sounds of it I will see more! Happy writing, and until next time!



AlexDarke says...

Mmm I gave the dog the name 'dog', but in hindsight I have no idea why xD. Thanks a lot, I will fix that! I appreciate it a lot :)

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381 Reviews

Points: 17598
Reviews: 381

Wed Dec 18, 2013 4:49 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...

Okay, Alex! First of all, welcome to the site. Hope you are having a nice time here.

Urm, just like as Raven said, it made me wonder what you had in your mind when you wrote this. This was more like a draft. And there were too many "full stops". This is like a oratory. And guess what, that's what I liked more about it. There was definitely something to it that pushed me to keep reading it. You should try your hand in script writing because your style is so very similar to it, which is really awesome. When I read this, I kept thinking how good it would be if some one could picture it. Your description were vivid and beautiful. I was and still am drowned in your narrative that, I forgot to see any grammatical errors. Well, you have won a fan for yourself, I could say that much. ;) Good luck!

Keep writing!!!

AlexDarke says...

Thanks a lot! It's very encouraging :) I will try my hand in script writing thanks for the suggestion ;)

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506 Reviews

Points: 9907
Reviews: 506

Wed Dec 18, 2013 4:36 pm
Sureal wrote a review...


-> The fragmented writing style works well. Makes the story immediately stand out, and mirrors the fragmented mind of the character.

-> Watch out for cliched phrases. 'Hung lazily in the sky' and 'drank in the night' are both cliches. Try to put your own spin on what the moon looks like and what the night air feels like. I'd recommend reading Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. It features some fantastic imagery and metaphors, which will hopefully inspire you in your own writing.

AlexDarke says...

Thanks Sureal! I've gotten so used to hearing and reading chliches that I dont even realize when i use them...will take that into account *nods*

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Points: 565
Reviews: 1

Wed Dec 18, 2013 3:31 pm
RavenGoddess wrote a review...

I like your use of fragements. I don't really know why, but they sort of made it so I wanted to keep reading. I also like the fact that she didn't have a name that we know of. The lack of a detailed backstory is interesting. Makes me wonder what was going through your head as you wrote this.

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
— Christopher Darlington Morley