Can you hear my
silent
screams? I'm falling down this desperate
spiral.
Where I'll land I do not know, but I'm drifting
towards
the end of everything. The demons of
insanity
are much too strong.
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Love the style! And you pull it off well, as both pieces sound very natural. But I wonder if it's really the topic you most want to explore? (I'm for poems with real crunchy details, or at least the nuts and raisins of reality mixed in with the philosophical/emotional pudding.) This sounds beautiful but I think, given how sure you are in your craft, that you could reach for something more substantial.
Hello WindSailor here to review your wonderfully written poem. I think this poem really highlights the dramatic very well. Also, the size of the poem I believe is absolutely perfect. Being so short and giving such a big and impacting poem is difficult, but I feel you pulled off very well. The concept of a spiral was a great choice because me a spiral tends to send a slow but steady rate of falling, and the drifting part was well, was also a really good choice. In a small poem such as this every word matters, and I feel like you used every word to its full potential and there aren't any words just here for filler, and I think it was done very well. Great job on it, and definitely keep writing poetry, I would love to see more of yours.
Thank you so much!
Hello, Laure here for a short review. This is so cool! I'm sorry, I just realized the words on your right says, 'silent spiral towards insanity' which is absolutely a wonderful new format, combined with the entire poem. Now I myself very much enjoy insanity itself, so I love this wonderful, whimsical (though many might not call it that, I'm just doing that because of the format) poem you've written. Your wording is quite concise, but the imagery is also vivid here though I do wish you could expand this somehow.
A comma between 'know' and 'but' will make your sentence flow better.So, I have a few suggestions for you:
As BTUBz said below, this is a very awkward sentence and I feel that it brings a bad note on your wonderful poem. The problem is you have three words that means the same thing, 'very', 'much', and 'too'. String them together and you get this overflowed sentence of the same thing, so maybe try,
I'm not sure, but I think that works fine by itself and has the same meaning. But is still up to you.
So, besides from those, I love this poem keep up the good work!
-Laure
Thank you! I will definitely edit that. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Hello there,
This is very interesting, and I think this style has a lot of potential, with certain words stranded on the right margin. However, I think it would be even better if all the words stranded on that side worked as they do in the first line, with the word not being necessary to achieve an understandable sentence. "Can you hear my (silent) screams?" is really good. The whole poem would really benefit if you used something like that for its entirety.
Small nitpick; "are very much too strong" is an awkward sentence and I suggest a rewording.
Finally, this is about someone falling into insanity, correct? Being in the first person point of view, I personally suggest that you twist your writing and word choice to better suite that of someone going insane. Be more "out there". Fragment sentences, describe things in a way only an insane person would describe it as. Throw the reader into the fractured mind of the narrator.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you! I agree, the last line is very choppy. I've been thinking about taking out the 'very' but I don't know. The thing about the stranded words is that if you read just them, it makes a little line on its own. It is difficult to make the left able to stand alone without the right if the right also has to be able to stand alone.