Suicide Note

Hey,
This is a very emotional poem in just those few lines. I have been in the Hospital for depression and suicidal tendencies so this poem means a lot to me. Its amazing how much emotion can be crammed into a few lines honestly. I find the fact that you wrote it as if you were talking to someone to hold meaning within its self. This is because when feeling suicidal I always tend to blame someone else either because it makes sense to me. But also because it might just be their fault. This thought got me thinking about my step mom and how she pretends to care while deep inside I'm barley holding on. Great poem tho. I hope to read more of your work!
Sincerely,
Collideascope.

Wow. That's a really hard-hitting poem. It kind of makes me feel a little sad, because... Well... I've been there. I've never been upset enough to end it... But I understand the pain SOMEOEN can be put in because of someone else. It's a powerful and emotional peice. I just wish there were more of it. It's so... Simple, but it packs a powerful punch.

You have an excellent grasp of poetry. You're effective use of grammar is good, and it makes me want to read more poetry you write.

I look forward to the next thing you post! ^_^ keep on writing!

Even though this is a very short poem, it has a lot of meaning, and a lot of "feels."
I've personally struggled with depression, and was put into a hospital for threatening suicide, so I feel like I can kind of relate to the character.
It's a sad thing, when someone is so miserable that they take their own life.
I would love to see a short story or novel on how the character's family and friends react to the loss of their loved one.
~Aarica

The last two lines are powerful together. Because it's saying because of you, I committed suicide- I guess.

Timmy here

This seems to be a poem engineered to spark some thought and deep meditation on what it means. And, to me, I think that is a good thing. Is it vague? Oh, yes. The poem doesn't really contain any specifics. Is it heart-wrenching at the same time? Yeah, it is. You have managed to evoke both emotion and deep speculation as to the specifics in four lines of poetry.

There are a few things that point to this as someone dear to you - possibly a lover, I think - being the one who caused this suicide. You said baby, which told me that someone very dear to you did something... what it is, that's left to speculation and wild guesses. But that doesn't matter. The foundation of the idea is there, and you've left the pieces of the story to be put together by those who see it important enough. You know, you even used the title to tell us something, to add to the piece to give us the full story without lengthening this poem in the slightest. I like that. Keeping this to four lines and still giving us a complete arc in the story must've been difficult, but you managed it wonderfully.

You use Microsoft Word to write your poetry, don't you?

I have the same problem with my poetry. Look at the beginning of each line. Yeah, they are all capitalized. I got fed up with Mic Words constant mutilation of my formatting and switched over to WordPad. Perfectly empty and clean and I can use whatever format I want.

I don't think I really have any nitpicks for this poem on technical things. IamTruant grabbed the one about the first line being a bit snappy, and she's right about that. Of all the lines, I think that and the second were the weakest. I think you could have used more powerful language in those two lines. The third and fourth line? I think those are perfect, especially the last one because it leaves at such a note. Just bam! You were the one who pulled the trigger. Perfect. But the first and second start off a tad weak. I think you could play around with the wordage to grab your reader's attention more and make them feel more for your character's situation. So, something like: I hope you'll cry and blotch this letter with your tears. Bleh. That is probably the worst poetry line I have ever written. xD You can do it so much better.

But anywho, you need something that will really grab your readers' emotions and take them for a ride. Bring tears down their cheeks. When I mean use strong language, I mean use your readers' feelings and just manipulate them. Go wild with them, because your readers want to cry. They do. They want to feel what your character is feeling, and experimenting with different words would be a good idea to get a more powerful beginning here. One word may not seem like much of a difference, but trust me. One word of difference could just completely melt your next reader even more than you have now.

Good luck.

I think that is all I have to say with this piece. I am still in admiration and shocked you could come up with such a poem in only four lines, and have such a full idea and story arc in so few words. And your idea was just amazing. Now you aren't the first person to implement this idea, but I think you did an excellent job putting it out there.

Thanks you for this. <3
~Darth Timmyjake

Oh, wow. This poem is intense, and it's awesome.

One thing I must say is you need to follow all normal punctuation rules in poetry.
Something else that you should consider, but it's fine the way it is, is that maybe you should split each, or some, of the lines in half. But that's just a personal thing; I think it would help with the flow of it. It's perfectly fine the way it is.

I think this poem is awesome! It really shows your true emotions, how you feel and how you want others to feel. I think this is how anyone would feel. Your last line is so bitter and true. It really ties it together. It's a great conclusion, and tells what caused the suicide.

Great poem! Thanks for sharing your art on YWS!

Hey, Alceste. Wow this is a powerful piece.

I hope you'll cry, just maybe

But you probably won't, you never did care for me

'Cause even though I held up the gun, baby

Wow. I don't really know how to review this. I don't have any nitpicks at all, so I'm just going to type my thoughts.

I hope you'll cry, just maybe

But you probably won't, you never did care for me

'Cause even though I held up the gun, baby

You were the one who pulled the trigger