“This is the younger version of him, right? Oh, please . . . Cliche.” -Akira Eliza.
Boring species introduction (skip if you wish)
Five species remain domestic types. This is because they all have something they can give to others through natural body occurrences. They each have special abilities. The dryads have healing properties in their blood and bodily functions. The elves have intense senses that can pick up the finest of details. The Werewolves were once of royalty and some are born as a Fenrir. They have natural fighting skills that exceed others. The Dwarfs have intellectual abilities and the power to create just about anything that is deemed “exceptional.”. They can stand the harsh elements of the continents. And the vampires can come up with outlandish remedies of utmost quality to help the sick and injured.
Noroi
Touching the wand with my fingertips, I grit my teeth as a tremor made my hand shake. I stubbornly tried to make my hand lie still. I knew I wasn’t supposed to touch his wand. But surely this wouldn’t cause too much trouble? If anything, mommy will get mad at him instead for not putting it up and out of my reach . . . My grip on the wand tightened, so much that I could see my tiny knuckles turn white. I let out a screech as pain throbbed in my skull. My head was swimming in pain, and I suddenly felt miserable. I wanted to lie in bed and sleep. I accidentally threw the wand across the room. It snapped easily; too easily to be real, even. A cold, rotten feeling of dread quickly stabbed my stomach like a knife. Wasn’t it supposed to be made out of wood? It wasn’t supposed to break like that. I prepared for his wrath, even though I knew that he wouldn’t be coming home soon. There’s nothing wrong with dreading something until the dread goes away. Even if it comes back to bite you later. I knew what I was doing. I know he told me it was dangerous and that interrupting a spell could have unique causes. Each consequence was different and random. I should have listened to him . . . Why did I decide to do it anyways? I want to see mom now . . . I heard a soft whisking sound and snapped my head in the direction above me. A girl floated delicately in the air, and deliciously (but daintily) stepped onto the ground, one foot at a time. It was as if she had never seen such a place as my brother’s magic room before. She was transparent and it was easy to see through her. Her black hair ended at her feet. She had a smile carved on her pale face, but the rest of her looks faded. I couldn’t see her eyes or nose, and I could hardly see where her hair was at the top of her head. From what I remember from my Mythology classes (when I wasn’t sleeping) she was a Noppera-bo, or a faceless ghost. I do fancy a ghost story.
“Well, isn’t this interesting.” Her voice was light and airy. it reminded me of wind chimes or hanging ice sickles clinking together.
“I know . . . I shouldn’t have touched his wand . . . " My ears folded back and my tail hung low.
“Mom just made cookies. . . I want some. . . " The delicate, painted-on smile that formed her blood-red lips snarled, revealing the ugliness of her perfect white teeth. Her head jerked back. You could easily tell that she seemed disgusted.
“No, you may not see your mother.” She spat.
“Why is that?” I asked and stood toe to toe with her.
“What is your name?” I demanded. Looking at her up and down, she had pale white skin. She had a white dress in the same shade that clutched and hugged her body, though it didn’t seem like it was tight. A Valknut hung down her neck, signifying that she had connections with Odin. It pays to not sleep during Mythology class, thank Izu. Her lips were so red they looked like they could ooze blood any minute. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did. A soft smile clung to her lips. She looked like a doll.
“Who are you?” My tone was softer this time. It was more like a whisper. Her arm elegantly lifted up to brush my cheek, before it rigorously swished away, as if she was disgusted to have touched me.
“Oh, I can’t tell you that.” There was something about her that I couldn’t pin. and I’m pretty sure it was dangerous. I’ve always liked ghosts; They have always intrigued me. But this is the last thing I expected. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get out of the room or stay with her at this point.
“You have a lot of love in your heart, don’t you, Noroi?” Thats an odd question. It never occurred to me that I’ll accept pretty much anything with open arms. She was silent for a heartbeat. and within that heartbeat, I longed to feel her hair or the texture of her arm. I wanted to know what it was like to blink through her eyes, or see the tiniest detail on her skin that you wouldn’t notice unless you stare at her. The sound of her voice was euphonious, gripping me with want so hard it made me want to choke.
" Yes, I suppose I do.” I implied hesitantly, swallowing the lump in my throat.
" You know what you did. Something must be taken in return. Something must even the balance. You’re startlingly mature for your age. You must understand.” As sublime and lissome as she was, I knew better than to be captivated by her.
" Yes, I understand. I’m guessing I’m going to be killed?” My assumptions were right. a cruel smile cracked her lips, and she hugged her lips as she laughed. I stood there blankly, waiting for her to be done. As humiliated as I should have felt, I felt my body slowly melt in front of her like steam leaving a bathroom after a shower. I felt myself ebb away, held captive by her beauty. As hideous as she was, as hideous as my fixation was, I felt myself love nothing more than her. Never have I been so complexed by mere life. Never have I been so mesmerized by a mere presence. I couldn’t stop my hand from swishing towards her cheek. Her face went blank. She stood up and let my hand be. She let my hand lay there flat on her cheek, neither leaning in or leaning away. My thumb circled around on her cheek.
" I’m going to take away your love, Noroi. I’m going to make sure that you love no one. Anyone you love will be killed and forgotten.” The look she gave me was more cold and emotionless than my mind could ever fathom.
" My curse is this: You may love nothing or you will shed blood on every step down the path you choose to take. The roads you walk on will be lined with corpses and the rivers you drink from will flow with blood. The food you eat will be of entrails and the words you speak will be of conversations never to be spoken. These words will forever ring in your mind, the one memory you can regain; The one memory up to now that will not be lost.”
" Yes . . . " I whispered.
" I don’t need to love anyone but you.” I mumbled. The smile never left her lips.
" There is one way you can break the curse. Have someone love you. The curse will take form of a great beast that can not be slayed; only caged by the one who loves you.”
" Yes . . . " I whispered once more, then locked lips with her.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey there Akira!<333
How ya doing? Lol, I know you are wondering but I decide to read this first then the remastered version since it just makes me feel better. Plus, I wanted to see how cringey this was but hey ho! This is well on its way to become a complete masterpiece!! Now, let’s get into the depths of the abyss, shall we~
First off, wonderful first impressions my friend, Noroi seems like an interesting character and an odd child, perfect combo for hero material! I certainly am left with toNs of questions after reading.
How is Noroi?
Why did he seem scared of his brother? Was it his brother?
What was that wand? Why did it break so damn easily?
What creature is Noroi exactly? Why does he have a frickin tail?
These are just a few examples of the countless questions swimming around in my head.^^
Ah, I would say though, as I see Grim also mentioned, maybe include Noroi’s thoughts, emotions and feelings a bit more? You did at the start but then since dialogue started, you kinda drifted and it would be nice to see more of his emotions in detail. Was he really just entranced by the girl? Did he just ignore the red flags?? I would have also liked if you mentioned a bit how Noroi looked other than tepee fact that he has a tail and ears. But, I guess that’s just my curiosity asking, I have to wait and read more.
sigh..
The suspense is great, you managed to draw in the reader within a few sentences of reading! The intro was a tad bit long but it wasn’t really that bad!
The structure of the text is pretty concise and enthralling as well!!
Now, about the girl..who is she? Why does she curse him? What is up with hee seriously??
You kinda threw a lot of questions at the reader I think, TOO MANY. I personally, think that it’s slightly too much to the fact I’m seriously dying to find out more. Maybe reduce how much the reader has to fret over next time? Just for our sake~
I love this. The curse is probably my favourite line as haha, it reminds me of AoS. I know, I know, not related but it is what it is.<33333
Joking! Now, I love how into detail this is and the raw emotion I can feel left me star-struck.
The ‘ghost’ makes me question even more now and I feel that she might CARE for Noroi a bit? Or maybe I’m just bring connections from AoS into here, haha..
I love the way you worded stuff, so powerful, especially in this quote.
Overall, WONDERFUL PIECE MAN, BE PROUD!!!! Have a good day and night bestieee!^^
holy shit that's one long review
thanks though!
I think you're confused.
this ain't my book. these are songs. two totally different series.
OH SHIT I WAS LOOKING AT THE WRONG THING
HAHAHA IM A DUMB ASS
WRONG TAB
I have a song tab open and this tab open XD dumbass alert
also, the prologue is part of the "remastered" version. it wasn't in the original.
also, he's a werewolf. have I been vague about that... shit.
but I am glad to know that the prologue bait is working ^^ the entirety of the the point to the prologue was to make the reader NEED to read the next chapter. not just want. and what better way to do that, then make them ask questions they HAVE to know? I spent a whole week on that prologue! thank Lucifer its working!
Yesss! LOL I am glad and no probs!
OHH HE IS A WEREWOLF THAT MAKES ME SENSE-
YEAHYEAHYEAH
Haha
Greetings Mortal, Let's begin, yes? My favorite part: "There is one way you can break the curse. Have someone love you. The curse will take form of a great beast that can not be slayed; only caged by the one who loves you.” I like the idea of the curse being a beast, It's almost a poetic twist on the typical "love conquers all" trope. Now, let's get into the meat of it, shall we? Some Advice: Give the room a break, let it breathe! You've painted a picture of a cluttered, mystical space that's a bit overwhelming. Also, don't forget to give us more of the main character's thoughts and feelings, let us dive into Noroi's psyche. Speaking of Noroi, I think they need more backstory, what's their deal with their brother's wand? Are they a novice wizard? Are they just a curious kid? It would help to build the tension and stakes. Let's talk about the ghost. The ghost's entrance was dramatic and floating, but I'd love to see more of her character. What's her deal? Why is she cursing Noroi? Also, off-topic, but I wish more people on YWS were writing queer stories like this. -Grim
The whole point of the prologue was to create mystery and questions, and I'm glad it worked its charm ^^ guess you'll have to wait for chapters to come out, huh?
Makes you want to read another chapter? and I get it can be a bit overwhelming. that's why its setting the story.
Oki