I feel empty most of the time. Or do i feel flooded with so much emotion i began to feel numb. I am so confused. I love you but i loath what you've done to me. I cannot sleep without your warmth and i cannot breathe without your eyes. Come accept me , come embrace me. Take my arms and let them wrap you and protect you from all that threatens you and what you stand for. I am willing to give my everything for you. And you dont even acknowledge it. But somehow deep in my shredded soul i accept that with open arms and eyes misted over with tears not yet fallen. I am okay with you not loving me. But i am not okay with you not even noticing a thread of love i have for you which i have sowed into my emotions and crystalized in my thoughts. Its almost as if your rejecting me with out letting the words fall harshly on your lips. Oh your lips. I would give anything to see them and touch them. Feel them over my neck and pressed boldly against mine. Oh how my smoldered heart will be reborn into the brightest flame this earth has ever felt. My heart would rise out of the pits of my stomach and began to beat in unison with yours. But this is merely a dream and oh how dreams are sweet and pleasant when your dreaming but when you wake up you realize that maybe its not meant to be or not destined to happen. Maybe just maybe the one you love is supposed to kill you , is supposed to shoot you point blank range with a pistol loaded with hate and not love you at all. Its our perception that determines our whole way of thinking. And i need to change mine. The thought of being free of you is heavenly and puts me to sleep with dreams i perceive perfectly. But how , how do i change my perception of you and all your perfected flaws, your perfected skin and perfected ways. Oh how your imperfections make you perfect. And how your imperfections make me dream of you and all the love you dont have for me. Maybe i will wake noticing you for what you are. But until then i am bound to say your name everyday with hope of us being together and i wont stop loving you. I will not ...until you perceive me as your lover or i perceive you as nothing but a mere illusion blinding my path with your irrelevant light.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
hey, d.f.b. here. welcome noob!!! hope you enjoy your stay at the yws! i loved how you wrote this. the comparisons and words you used to articulate your thoughts were well used. i liked reading this, it made me perceive how bad heartbreak can be, and i can relate to how heartbreak feels.-d.f.b. out! keep writing.
Hey Aiden!
This seems more like a monologue than a story. Or maybe a love letter of sorts by a spurned lover who has nothing to lose, but again not a story. I say this because this story keeps on referring to an incident, a conflict, that really we have no idea what it's about. Obviously, it's some sort of romance, or was before. And... it soured over time. And the spurned lover wants the relationship back, but it's a hateful relationship so she doesn't want it back. Still! More of a monologue or an insight to the character's soul and less of a story.
With that said, let's critique the monologue, shall we? The lack of capitalization for the i annoyed me... but oh well. I think you intended it that way. Overall, the monologue is written very fluidly and passionately... which is a good thing! Plus, it goes from point to point easily and without too much effort -- again a good thing.
But, I will have to say this... the narrator kind of creeps me out. The narrator's pretty obsessed with this ex in an extremely unhealthy way. Like, talking about perfect love killing people? Goodness! Or maybe the fact that when the narrator entered this relationship, the narrator actually thought this ex person was perfect? Not a good way to go into a relationship. Nobody's perfect! So, either this person is either inexperienced and naive (which is possible!) or just... something else. In any case, at my age, when I read this, I think, "Ahhh! If someone my age did this, he would be a total creeper!" But that's just me and my thoughts.
You're a rather lyrical writer, Aiden, with very interesting, albeit creepy, ideas. Keep it up.
First of all, welcome to YWS, Aiden!
I'm Pink and I'll be reviewing this piece for you today.
So, without further due, shall we get started? To bad, you have no choice, I'll be reviewing and you can not stop me.
haha.
*First of all, remember to uppercase your "I's". That's very important and people will not read your work if they see too many of these little errors. Also, there should be a comma after time, not a period because you use the word 'or. Plus! using or makes this into a question so your sentence should be as following:
"Do I feel empty most of the time, or am I filled with so much emotion that I begin to feel numb?"
I know I changed a few things around but another thing you need to remember is tenses. Are you writing in present or past? It's important to keep your writing even with just one
remember to spell check your work before posting too.
Anyways, this was a nice read. I liked the descriptions and I thought it was kind of deep, my main problem was the lack of correct punctuation and grammar that seemed to take away from the intensity of this piece. Overall though, you did a decent job getting a point across, at least to me.
Keep writing!
~Pink
This was beautifully written. It was a pleasure to read. However, it was difficult to read. I would suggest breaking this up into different paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes, and check the grammar. I would also suggest you cut out redundancies.
I love how you went from thought to thought.. each was fleeting, but was impacting all the same. Every stream of consciousness led to another, as minds really do and writing rarely does. It was nicely done.
Great character development and use of emotion.
-Coral-