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★彡[ᴀ ᴠᴀᴍᴘɪʀᴇꜱ ʟᴏᴠᴇ - ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 1]彡★ (Kinda bad)

by AftonFamily09


There was a place in Transylvania where creatures roam. Vampires where among the the most powerful beings with their speed and strength, yes, I mean the pale looking people with fangs that drink blood, and I am one of them. I love being a vampire, minus the blood part. I'm part of a unique family and-

I was snapped out of my thoughts when the bell rang.



"Hey Amelia!" I look up to see my best, witch, friend, Sabine Bennett walking to my desk. "You seem spacey today, are you okay?" she asks.



"I'm fine." I say looking around for my worst enemy, Rose Wright. "



You have detention today, may I remind you, Miss Bennett." our teacher, Mrs. Dixon calls to Sabine from her desk. "If I were you I would hurry to detention so I could get my time done." she adds gesturing towards the door.



"You should go." I say gathering up my stuff.



"Right. See you tomorrow!" she says bolting out the door. I sigh as I head towards the door.



"Have a good night Miss Cullen." Mrs. Dixon called from behind me.



"You too Mrs. Dixon." I say. I take off sprinting down the hall and make it outside the school building in less then a second. Vampire speed really comes in handy.



"Hello friend." I turn to see Rose and her friends standing there grinning at me.



"Leave me alone!" I yell and take off for home.



"GET BACK HERE!!" Rose yells chasing after me. I hear the whistles of the guys around me. Great. This will really get her steaming. I think just as Rose catches up to me.



"Why do you have straight A's Cullen?! I told you to flunk your classes not ace them!" Rose exclaims.



Suddenly, everything goes black.


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906 Reviews

Points: 11
Reviews: 906

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Fri Feb 09, 2024 1:15 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hello there, Afton! (If you don’t mind me asking, which Afton are you?) I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Amelia is a vampire and a student at what seems to be a supernatural school. She’s friends with a witch named Sabine, and her enemy is Rose. There’s only more to come…

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow -I think that the beginning could be put in italics to show that they are Amelia’s thoughts, but this is just a suggestion.

Chocolate Bar - I love all of the supernatural stuff in it! The vampires, the witches! It’s just so wonderfully spooky! :> I wonder what kind of monster Rose is? Also, is the last name “Cullen” a Twilight reference? If so…fantastic, Twilight is a classic.

Closing Graham Cracker - A short little chapter, but I’m excited for what is to come. It’s a supernatural school, so I expect that it’s going to be quite the adventure. I will definitely read the second chapter when it’s posted. Hauntingly great job!

I wish you a vampiric day/night!




AftonFamily09 says...


I was a big fan of Twilight when I started this so ^^;



vampricone6783 says...


Understandable. :>



AftonFamily09 says...


I started this end of 8th grade



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10 Reviews

Points: 531
Reviews: 10

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Wed Feb 07, 2024 9:25 pm
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1TryingBird wrote a review...



HEY PEEPS!
Hello Afton (you are not related to William or Micheal are you...), Anyways, Hey, I am going to review this story using a template I made, so if you see anything I said that you feel is wrong, just tell me.


Errors, and tips

Spoiler! :

RED:

  1. As Pol said below, you made multiple errors in writing this, and I am glad you acknowledge that with the (Kinda bad) in the title, but do not worry, I am here to help.
  2. It's important to pay attention to punctuation. Make sure you use commas, periods, exclamation marks, and question marks consistently and in the right places. Doing so will help improve the flow and clarity of your text.
  3. Oh, and don't forget to capitalize proper nouns, like names and places, throughout your writing. For example, you should capitalize "Transylvania" when you mention it.
  4. Spelling is another crucial aspect to consider. Take the time to check for any spelling errors and fix them. For instance, in your piece, "where" should be changed to "were," "the the" should simply be "the," and "then" should be "than."
  5. When it comes to sentence structure, breaking up long sentences into shorter ones is a good idea. It makes your writing easier to read and keeps your readers engaged. Try to vary the lengths of your sentences to create a more dynamic narrative. Also, So some people won't get bored while reading.
  6. In dialogue, it's important to format it correctly and punctuate it properly. Remember to start a new paragraph each time a different character speaks.
  7. To make your writing more engaging, make use of descriptive language. Instead of just calling Rose an "ugly toad," try using more vivid and expressive words to describe her.
  8. Lastly, consistency is key. Make sure you're consistent with your use of tense, point of view, and character names throughout your writing. It helps create a sense of coherence and keeps your readers immersed in the story.
  9. Make sure you keep these tips close and remember them.



What I thunk
Spoiler! :

ORANGE:

  1. Initial thoughts? The story needs more feeling to it, when you write something, especially dialogue, speak it out, and if it sounds off, fix the text, then repeat until you reach something satisfying. Other than that, the story seems ok, just need to make the chapter longer.
  2. If you keep up though, just fix the errors, and add some energy to it, it could actually go somewhere, like most Vampire novels.
  3. I expect to actually see some growth, don't disappoint me :wink:



But don't worry, you did some good things
Spoiler! :

YELLOW:

  1. But, don't start feeling down yet, you did some pretty good things with the story, the characters, and their names, the immediate push into the story, and the beginning that lets us know what we should expect.
  2. I specifically like the distinction between Amelia (a vamp) and her friend Sabine (a witch), one being calm-like and shy, the other being a troublemaker it seems and an over joyous type.
    "You have detention today, may I remind you, Miss Bennett." our teacher, Mrs. Dixon calls to Sabine from her desk. "If I were you I would hurry to detention so I could get my time done."

    -^- This implies Sabine is a troublemaker -^-

    "You seem spacey today, are you okay?"

    -^- This may imply she is not normally distracted, probably due to her fear of the bully, Rose Wright (sick name btw)-^-

    "I'm fine." I say looking around for my worst enemy, Rose Wright." and "I take off sprinting down the hall and make it outside the school building in less then a second" aswell as "Hello friend." I turn to see Rose and her gang of brats standing there grinning at me. "Leave me alone you ugly toad!"

    -^- All of those show her fear and discomfort with Rose -^-



It feels rushed...
Spoiler! :

GREEN:

  1. I can not say much about the pacing, but it is a little fast, kind of rushed. A mistake made alot.
  2. When writing, make sure to separate dialogue from other text, and don't make it too long or too short (you are not Cervantes)
    "You have detention today, may I remind you, Miss Bennett." our teacher, Mrs. Dixon calls to Sabine from her desk. "If I were you I would hurry to detention so I could get my time done," she adds gesturing towards the door. "You should go," I say gathering up my stuff. "Right. See you tomorrow!" she says bolting out the door.

    -^- Now, whether it's meant to go fast, I don't know, but its kind of irking me, because not enough time was given to fully let the setting sink in, there was barely any implication of Amelia being in a school whatsoever, only the bell ringing and the teacher, but it's alright since that was enough. Also, Sabine immediately complied with Amelia's "You should go" with no hesitation? Weird.



Are you planning on developing the characters?
Spoiler! :

BLUE:
  1. The character development was ok, and I can't say anything for now except that it was good, with the immediate identifiers (Amelia's fear of Rose) (Rose's apparent hatred of Amelia) (Sabine and Amelia's friendship) (Sabine being a troublemaker)
  2. Although, I do have somethings to say about the way you wrote Rose, I like her so far... kinda, but you should add more dialogue for her, and her identity wasn't really clear, is she human? What do the teachers think about her?



Finally, its over... I think
Spoiler! :

PURPLE:
  1. This story had a lot to take from, the Vampire and Witch dynamic, and the characters being introduced smoothly, but nothing note-worthy (yet)
  2. Overall, 3.5/5 story, just needs polishing and refining.



Thats all folks, hey, Afton wait, look down there.



Here, use these to help you: Grammarly | Story Building | Planner | Quotes to use

Signing Off

Image 𝕿. 𝕾𝖈𝖔𝖙𝖙 :cool:




APoltergeist says...


Love the template you were using, maybe try a darker/duller yellow though haha! It's very bright and I couldn't read it in the quotes:(



1TryingBird says...


I see, I will edit that in the code, I figured it wouldn't be good, I only use it for my signature.



APoltergeist says...


I think a dark khaki or a goldenrod would look good, but that's just me. They're darker shades, but still pretty! Your review is very cute, I love the colors.



1TryingBird says...


Yeah, gonna go with goldenrod (the original was gold, which is the color of my signature), thanks!



AftonFamily09 says...


When I started this It was a boredom thing so I knew the beginning would be crappy but I am still working on my writing skills, I am in 9th grade TmT, but I assure you I will try my hardest to improve.



1TryingBird says...


Dont fret it, I am in the 10th grade and my writing skills are subpar. I haven't even finished the first chapter of my first book so, I also need to improve. Just keep writing!



AftonFamily09 says...


Thank you for the feedback



User avatar
75 Reviews

Points: 350
Reviews: 75

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Wed Feb 07, 2024 6:04 pm
Leya wrote a review...



Hello! Ley here for a quick review! :D

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I absolutely love anything vampire-related! So you hooked me right away with the first few sentences of this chapter. I also enjoyed the casual approach you took for this piece-- because even though it's a fantasy categorized novel, it still allows the reader to understand and somewhat relate to the main character. Who, in this case, is Amelia!

I also enjoyed the setting, I'm a sucker for high-school based fantasy works.

I agree with Pol, I also think that the second paragraph should be split into a bunch of other ones. I won't correct it because he did that already, but I just wanted to add that it really would make it easier to understand. For me, it was hard to keep up and I feel like everything happened so fast.

I also wished that you described things a little more. When Amelia came across her nemesis, Rose, I feel like that was the time when you could've explored the Main Character a little better. How did she feel when she saw Rose? Why was she running from her? Tell me some background... something. This was a relatively short chapter which could've been extended with more details.

Overall, this was a great read, and has potential to become an even better novel! I can't wait to read the next chapter. Happy Writing!

~With love, Ley




AftonFamily09 says...


Thank you for the feedback



User avatar
6 Reviews

Points: 1025
Reviews: 6

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Wed Feb 07, 2024 5:01 pm
APoltergeist wrote a review...



Hi there Afton! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!


Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
For our crispy, crunchy top graham cracker.
This is the first chapter to what appears to be a spooky, vampire love story, where our main character Amelia is the vampire. There's a bit of mystery and intrigue added to the end as the character's vision goes black!

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
Our slightly bitter pieces of sticky, melty marshmallow.
I really like the way you portray your characters, each one is pretty unique buut reading the second paragraph was a little confusing. Instead of having it in one giant blob, try separating it so instead of it being;

I was snapped out of my thoughts when the bell rang. "Hey Amelia!" I look up to see my best, witch, friend, Sabine Bennett walking to my desk. "You seem spacey today, are you okay?" she asks. "I'm fine." I say looking around for my worst enemy, Rose Wright. "You have detention today, may I remind you, Miss Bennett." our teacher, Mrs. Dixon calls to Sabine from her desk. "If I were you I would hurry to detention so I could get my time done." she adds gesturing towards the door. "You should go." I say gathering up my stuff. "Right. See you tomorrow!" she says bolting out the door. I sigh as I head towards the door. "Have a good night Miss Cullen." Mrs. Dixon called from behind me. "You too Mrs. Dixon." I say. I take off sprinting down the hall and make it outside the school building in less then a second. Vampire speed really comes in handy. "Hello friend." I turn to see Rose and her gang of brats standing there grinning at me. "Leave me alone you ugly toad!" I yell and take off for home. "GET BACK HERE YOU BRAT!!" Rose yells chasing after me. I hear the whistles of the guys around me. Great. This will really get her steaming. I think just as Rose catches up to me. "Why do you have straight A's Cullen?! I told you to flunk your classes not ace them!" Rose exclaims. Suddenly, everything goes black.


It would appear more like;
I was snapped out of my thoughts when the bell rang.

"Hey Amelia!" I look up to see my best, witch, friend, Sabine Bennett walking to my desk. "You seem spacey today, are you okay?" she asks.

"I'm fine." I say looking around for my worst enemy, Rose Wright. "

You have detention today, may I remind you, Miss Bennett." our teacher, Mrs. Dixon calls to Sabine from her desk. "If I were you I would hurry to detention so I could get my time done." she adds gesturing towards the door.

"You should go." I say gathering up my stuff.

"Right. See you tomorrow!" she says bolting out the door. I sigh as I head towards the door.

"Have a good night Miss Cullen." Mrs. Dixon called from behind me.

"You too Mrs. Dixon." I say. I take off sprinting down the hall and make it outside the school building in less then a second. Vampire speed really comes in handy.

"Hello friend." I turn to see Rose and her gang of brats standing there grinning at me.

"Leave me alone you ugly toad!" I yell and take off for home.

"GET BACK HERE YOU BRAT!!" Rose yells chasing after me. I hear the whistles of the guys around me. Great. This will really get her steaming. I think just as Rose catches up to me.

"Why do you have straight A's Cullen?! I told you to flunk your classes not ace them!" Rose exclaims.

Suddenly, everything goes black.


I think that would make it seem much smoother when reading and giving certain phrases the pop they deserve instead of tucking them away behind layers of words. Of course, this is just a suggestion and completely up to you as the author. Another thing I noticed was at the very beginning, you said:

Vampires where among the the most powerful beings with their speed and strength, Yes, I mean the pale looking people with fangs that drink blood, and I am one of them. I love being a vampire, minus the blood part. I'm part of a unique family and-


There's a repetition of 'the' (I highlighted it in bold so that you could see) in that first sentence. Another simple mistake I saw was "where" instead of "were" which is again, easily fixed. After strength I would suggest using a period, or decapitalizing the 'Yes' that comes shortly after so that it reads as;

most powerful beings with their speed and strength. Yes, I mean the pale looking people with fangs that drink blood, and I am one of them.


OR;

most powerful beings with their speed and strength, yes, I mean the pale looking people with fangs that drink blood, and I am one of them.


I'm under the assumption that these characters are high-school age level, and so the insults seem a little out of place, kind of childish in this context. You're not really ever going to hear someone call someone an "ugly toad" or a "brat" in high school. Perhaps replacing them with something more age-appropriate would be a better option. You wouldn't even have to use cuss words, there are so many alternatives that you could find that would fit for a better context in this wonderful piece. Even just replacing one character's "curse words" with more typical ones will give the character who uses odd phrasing and substitute words a whole new level of endearment to readers.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
And for everybody's favorite part, the sweet, gooey chocolate!

One of my favorite parts of this piece is the names. I'm a big sucker for cute character names and all of your characters have them, while also fitting the supernatural theme going on.

I say looking around for my worst enemy, Rose Wright.

Such a pretty name for a mortal enemy, I love it!

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
To tie it all off with the delicious bottom graham cracker, I would like to say this is a very nice piece that I'm excited to see more of. Keep writing and I'll see you next time.

-Pol ^^




AftonFamily09 says...


Honestly, I've thought about deleting it entirely..



APoltergeist says...


Aw, that would be sad. It's honestly a decent piece and if you just put a little bit of editing into it, I think it could be great!



AftonFamily09 says...


I dunno..its cheesy%u2026



APoltergeist says...


Cheesy can be fun but if you don't want it to be cheesy, you could always ask somebody to be a co-writer, so they can help point out things before you post it that you may not want or have noticed.



AftonFamily09 says...


I posted the second chapter...I dunno if its any good but I tried..



APoltergeist says...


You did? I don't see it yet :(



AftonFamily09 says...


I thought I did%u2026






APoltergeist says...


Oh! That's why. It's a draft haha, you have to click the post button.



AftonFamily09 says...


Ohhhh



AftonFamily09 says...


I dunno hiw..



APoltergeist says...


Publishing Center -> Click on Draft -> Side Panel, click the button that says "Edit Work" -> Scroll down, hit Publish Draft. -> Scroll down yet again after adjusting settings to what you want, then hit Publish.



AftonFamily09 says...


I have to have 200 points%u2026I have Zero%u2026



APoltergeist says...


OH. That makes sense. We have a point system. Reviews = points = posts. 200 per post.



AftonFamily09 says...


Oh.



AftonFamily09 says...


Sorry my art teacher is stressing me out



APoltergeist says...


It's alright!



AftonFamily09 says...


%uD83D%uDE05



AftonFamily09 says...


Fixed it




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