O lost beauty, who’s visage is of gold
Your eyes are a burning pit of white flame
O to feel their burn on my paper skin.
Lone beloved, your voice a muted bell
Bestow unto me love’s whispers once more.
O fickle destroyer, to your wrath I yield.
Vicious fangs tear my soft flesh from bone.
White fur flaunting glistening sanguine.
Betrayedbetrayedbetrayedbetrayedbetrayed.
Let loose thy talons upon my eyes first
So that I cannot see my first love kill.
Da pacem Domine, to you I resort.
Please give rest unto my still-beating heart.
Heal my wounds of attrition with holy light,
And show to me your benevolence again.
You are forgiven by me, naive soul
You know yet not my love outlives us both.
Swiftest return to your barbed arms I assure,
If your lies were to veil my weak eyes
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Loved that.
Also learned the word attrition. Thank you.
So, this poem is good, I liked it a lot.
The betrayed line is really good, it's hard to work with because it's so blocky and mountainous.
Hi, this isn't a full review but I just wanted to say that I love the classic, old-timey feel of this poem with the use of language.
Great job! Thanks for sharing!
Hey there! Plume here, with a review! And welcome to YWS!! I'm a junior moderator here, so if you have any questions, feel free to message me/another person with a green username.
I enjoyed reading this poem!! It had such a rich and archaic feel to it, but some lines had a more modern vibe, most noticeable line nine with the no-spaces repetition of "betrayed." You had a lot of powerful imagery in there, too; it was all very intense, much like your chosen subject: lost love.
One thing I enjoyed about this was your rich images. I think they really helped illustrate those strong feelings around the topic. To me, the lost love addressed in this maybe goes more along the lines of morphed love. It seems like the object of the narrator's affection has almost turned into some sort of monster, though it was unclear whether the "fickle destroyer" mentioned was the object of love or something that came between the narrator and their love. Regardless, I think you took the reader on a very passionate and immersive trip through the narrator's thoughts and longings regarding their love. Nice work!!
One thing I did wonder about was the lack of stanzas. There were some points where I felt the poem had a natural break, but there wasn't any white space to encourage that natural pause. Stanzas are also good cause they can enhance the flow of the poem. When you don't have any, it makes it seem like one long thought and that it should be read as such without giving the reader much of a break between separate ideas. Sometimes it can add a certain magic to the poem, too. You should try playing around with it, just to see what feels natural. However, if you had a purpose behind making it all one stanza, I'd love to hear it!
I also noticed some lines had commas/periods whereas others had no punctuation. Generally, I think poetry is a bit more professional when the writers keep their punctuation consistent throughout. However, like I said above, if that was a conscious choice, I'd be interested in hearing your reasoning!
Specifics
Tiny thing here: the proper possessive form of "who" is "whose," not "who's." That one is actually a contraction between "who" and "is." It's an easy mistake to make, though, so don't sweat it.
Overall: nice work!! I think this poem was both delightfully intense and aesthetically archaic, shown through your gorgeous and detailed imagery. Once again, welcome to YWS! I really hope you'll enjoy it here, and I also hope to read more of your work soon! Until next time!!
Hi and thank you for the review. As far as stanzas, I could figure out how to do them when copying and pasting it here. The lines kept getting grouped together so I just said screw and and published it as is. I also made some errors with punctuation throughout the poem and I%u2019ll try to fix them to keep it more consistent next time. I agree it does make the poem seem more professional. I%u2019m very much glad that you enjoyed the poem and I%u2019ll keep what you said in mind for the next one. Thank you very much
I have enjoyed reading this poem about lost love.We can love so hard,we forget what’s rational.We end up doing things based on that love and it can do more harm than good it can destroy us completely.The best thing to do is to go about your life and live it the best way you can.I hope you have a good and lovely day/night.