Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
His name was Jeff Jeff for a reason. Barbino should have expected it. He was not a prodigy of the detective agency, but a naive paper delivery boy that thought his puzzle solving skills could help him in his dreamed up Nancy Drew mystery.
And if it wasn't his dad running this agency, there would be no story for Jeff Jeff. But there he was stuck in what Barbino thought was going to be her tale. She was planning on solving this case by herself, even if it was not the thrill she wanted.
They were only going to see a florist who claimed she saw Yakuza selling drugs. If it were true, which she highly doubted, they would have to track the dealers down. The sleepy town of Glooms could not afford to lose their innocent reputation.
"Barb, where are we headed?" Asked Jeff Jeff, now interrupting her thoughts, head leaning against the dirty car window.
"Kid, you better stop calling me Barb." Was not the answer he wanted.
"Why?" He asked yet another question.
The woman made a quick, angry glance at him, and continued to drive down the almost vacant street, "Barb sounds like an old lady name, alright. And I'm not an old lady. Not yet, anyways."
"I don't think Barbino sounds any better." He looked out at the small buildings squished together, which would have held tourists if it wasn’t the middle of October.
She shifted her eyes to him again, this time with suspicion, "Hey, only smart people can make smart ass comments."
Jeff Jeff squished his face closer to the window, nervously, and with no answer left Barbino to make her own conclusions which she started to blurt out loud, "Jeff Jeff isn't exactly a name they give to smart ones."
The kid unstuck his face from the window and with a silently offended tone said, "Smart? And Jeff Jeff is what my parents call me."
"You still live with you parents?" She said unimpressed.
"Well ... yeah ..."
"Aren't you nineteen?" Barbino made a turn as they approached their destination.
"Yes! But why did you call me stupid?! Just because of my name?"
"Yes." Barbino's words were void of emotion.
"Well if I judged people solely on their name, I would think Barbino was the ugliest person in the world!"
The woman's insecurities flared out, she might have had the height of a model but her face was not society's ideal.
Hands clutched on the steering wheel, she snarled, "Ugly? Well at least I have a brain you little prick! I might not be like a fashion queen or whatever they're called but-"
Jeff Jeff sunk into his seat and frowned, "You're not ugly Barbino."
Holding in her emotions once again, she coldly ignored the hidden compliment, "Whatever kid, just stay quiet when we get to the florist's shop. I feel like you'll mess up something."
The car made its stop in front of a small building, where the remnants of yellow paint peeled off the brick walls. This was Mickey's Flowers. It was the first step in trying to determine if the japanese mafia really was lurking in the west coast town.
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137,443 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hey, AbsolutelyNot. I'm Nonny and I'm going to review your first chapter here. I read some other chapters and they touched on most of the things that I want to touch on but in less detail so I'll do my best to go into detail about the things that I found while reading.
In the first paragraph, you say that his name is Jeff Jeff for a reason but you don't actually mention that reason. I would have liked to have seen the reason within the vicinity of you mentioning it, rather then elsewhere in the story.
I re-read the first three paragraphs multiple times, in an attempt to understand what is going on. While it's only the first chapter, a few things are very confusing for me and I'd hope to see them cleared up somewhere, if they aren't already.
1. You throw Jeff Jeff out there as a character and then bam, you mention Barbino. There is no description or any sort of introduction and then after that, you go straight into dialogue.
2. You say, 'she wasn't planning on solving this case by herself...' I'm assuming you're talking about Barbino, but we aren't really sure because you mentioned two people in the second paragraph very close together and we aren't sure if Barbino is Jeff's dad or what.
3. I may be only slightly bothered that you repeat Jeff Jeff multiple times...only because that's not a common name and we still aren't sure what his name is like that for. Is it a nickname? Did his parents name him that? If so, why not use just Jeff as a nickname?
4. Who is Yakuza? You throw her in there and don't really introduce her. I'm assuming she's a bad person because she's selling drugs but I need more of an introduction there.
In a paragraph a little bit further in the story, you mention "The woman made a quick, angry glance at him and continued to drive..." but I feel as though there is a better way to write this. I'm assuming Barb is the one who said it, so instead of saying woman maybe you should say "Barb made a quick, angry glance..."
I enjoy the banter between Jeff and Barbino. It seems that they have a interesting relationship. I'd like to know what that is, though. How do they know each other?
The woman's insecurities flared out, she might have had the height of a model but her face was not society's ideal. I would have liked to see Barbino be described. Also, a conversation about her name or maybe a separate introduction. To me, Barbino is just like another insecure woman who acts tough but isn't. She's a typical character. While she supplies banter that is funny, she reminds me too much of every other woman out there.
While all my suggestions may seem long, along with others below me, we only want to see you strive in writing. This is the first chapter and they tend to be a little iffy, but with some description and some clearing up I think that you really have something here.
Thanks so much for sharing with us and keep writing, you've got something here.
Heyy! Okay so, I'm not sure whether this is enough for a first chapter, as the other reviewers said. There's not much description, and we don't really know what's going on or what the characters are like. You could alter this and make it into a prologue, or you could extend it, adding in descriptions, scene settings etc. to make it more like a first chapter of a novel.
Also, I found this quite hard to follow when reading. Some parts didn't really make much sense to me, most likely due to grammar errors. What I suggest you do is scan over it and check over the small little things like capital letters e.g. 'japanese' should be 'Japanese', misused/overused commas and just grammar issues. Also, when someone is speaking, the sentence should be formed like this:
"You still live with you parents?" she said unimpressed.
Instead of how you put it:
"You still live with you parents?" She said unimpressed.
There shouldn't be a capital letter where the 'she' is, and that goes with any word you use after closing speech marks.
Other than that, this story has potential. From this first short extract, I can see myself wanting to read more, the idea of a mysterious story about the mafia appeals to me and probably many other people. The next step is to take my comments on board: description is your best friend!
Good luck!
Hello, Absoluetly. Wolf here for a review.
Interesting little part you have here. As mentioned before by Sillia, you don't really have enough descriptions for just the first chapter, and everything doesn't really try to draw the reader in. That's what the first chapter is for, to capture and hold the reader's attention for the rest of the story. The introductory paragraph was well done, and it was a little taste of the future, but the rest seemed really average.
A lot of things really flew by in this. For instance, at the end, Barbilo told Jeff Jeff to stay quiet until they reached the flower shop, and then suddenly they are already there. What happened to the rest of the time? That would've been a perfect opportunity to show us some of Barbilo's thoughts and how she felt about this place their going, maybe shed some light on other things.
Another thing is there isn't much balance between dialogue, description, action and thought. I assume this is written in third person limited on Barbilo, so I kind of want to see more of what she's thinking during the drive. What does she see? What sticks out to her? Where are they? We get a little bit of action in between the dialogue, but there's a little too much of that, which drowns out the rest. Just keep this advice in mind.
On the other hand, you executed the dialogue very well. It flowed nicely with the rest of the action, and the conversation seemed realistic. It actually showed us a good deal about your characters, but since this is only the first chapter, I still recommend you hold off a little bit. I hope I made sense, and if you need me to explain anything more, I'll be happy to help. Keep in Writing,
~Wolfare
Thanks for the tips! I edited the story.
Hi, Sillia here.
Okay...honestly...this is way to dialogue heavy. There's really no description. Like where are they driving past? what does Barbino look like? Readers generally like to be able to imagine what was going on...with this it honestly seemed more like i was reading a text or something like that. I don't mean to be harsh, but its just way to much dialogue. If you want/need to keep everything in here then that's great but split it up more.
This part confused me. I had to go back and read it a few times. Try to reword it a little bit. You don't really need to separate the two, or if you want to, take this part "Jeff Jeff squished his face closer to the window...." and make that its own little section itself, so you'd start a new lil 'paragraph' at the next comment she makes. Also what are their voice tones? For Barbino i can guess hostile but what about Jeff Jeff? Body language? How the the atmosphere? Is it thick with tension? I'm just having trouble figuring everything out. I'm not entirely sure where the story is going...
Umm...this sentence doesn't really...work...maybe consider putting "Barbino should have expected it; his name was Jeff Jeff for a reason." and then ".....naive paper (don't necessarily need to put delivery) boy WHO thought that his puzzle solving skills could him him solve a murder..."
That part though was good, and it made me want to find out more, but the rest, to be honest, was a little bit of a let down.
Sorry if this was harsh :/
With love,
Sillia