Published November 24, 2008
This is my first entry:
You like me and never want to leave me
You lover her and can't ever leave her
Why can't you see you're ripping both of us apart
You have to choose one
Never will you have two
So make a choice and choose it wisely
Fore no one waits for someone else forever
Now let me go or release her in my awe
And let me live my life or let her go one with hers
So goodbye for now or goodbye to her [b]
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As it is your first entry, you have a lot of time to improve.
I don't discourage and neither will i do any flattery.
Your poem is to the point, beautiful and straightforward
But i think the rhythmic flow is missing. I can see that it is not a rhyming poem but still a poem needs to have a continuity.
The idea is very good. Just stress on how the words come out.
This entire piece is VERY good. But just be careful with spelling errors, like where you put "lover" and meant to say "love her" and "fore" shouldn't have an E. Also adding punctuation to your poetry can help for more emphasis and dramatic effect towards the reader. =]
Hey, Ygaron here! Just a few minute details First off,
I would advise going with just "choose wisely" instead of "choose it wisely. Okay, secondly,As well as taking out "ever", I would add "yet" to the beginning of the second stanza (the one I quoted, not the second one of the poem). Hope this helps!
Sincerely,
~Yagaron Redson~
Hey, Abby. Good job for your first poem. It was really good except for a couple mistakes but someone else has already pointed those out so once again good job.
Hey Abby! I just have one question how much time have you been spending with Bailey, 'cuz y'all write about basically the same thing and yet you are both good at it! I wish I could write stuff like that. Gold star for you. Your doing really good for your first post. So post more!!
~peanut~
Yes, I can talk for Abby because I know what this means. She has told me a million times.
They guy likes Abby, but he likes this other girl too, that he has been dating for a while.
It's a hard situation, and so that's how she wrote this poem.
I'll say it again, Good Job!
That was a good poem, it was simple but right to the point. Other than the few grammatic errors that were pointed out by the others, I saw nothing wrong with it. It was good that you stayed right on topic, and didn't veer off. So all in all great poem!
And by the way welcome to YWS.
Hi! As Cat has said welcome to YWS! (short time ago she was saying it to me LOL)
it cute and straight to the point. As alwaysawriter has said you should develop her feelings alittle bit more. Is she afraid he'll chose her? it also seems as if you (or the character in the poem) is less appreciated by the guy in the matter
Anyway, I liked it!
All those other things the others above have pointed out, and I think this can be a a really good piece!
I liked this poem. It was short and to the point, which is nice to see in a poem. I would like to see you expand on why he loves her and likes you so we can get a better understanding of why this guy is having such a problem choosing. Just watch those typos.
PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter
Welcome to YWS, girl. I'm glad you joined, since you have heard Peanut and I talking about it all the time.
With Leapy pointing out all the typos, I say, good job!
And yes Abby. You can't wait forever for that idiot.
Oh, I found one more typo, I think.
I think the one is supposed to be on.
Also, there is a rule here on YWS. You need to have at least two reviews before you post anything of your own. It's kind of like a two for one deal. So, I suggest you hurry off and do that.
Still, the poem was beautiful. I'm giving you a gold star!
Just replace lover with just love
Fore just seems out of place, maybe just stick with For
This was simple- to the point and cute. You saw what you were going for and didn't veer off, nicely done ^_^