Girl: How could you do this to me............I thought you two loved me?
Dad: I do, we do its just not working out between us.
Girl: But still what's not working...you loved each other a month ago what went wrong?
Is it me? My life style? What is it?
Mom: No no no its not you or anything about you its just we don't have as much in common as we used to.
Plus I can't live like this anymore.
Girl: Well fine be like that then.....I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(bedroom door slams shut and sobing begins from bedroom)
Scene:Act 1
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Did I not tell you about the rules? *sighs* The 2:1 policy. I guess I will tell you tomorrow at school. *sighs again*
This was really short. Maybe you should write more before you post, if you are adding more. It would be a good idea to add to this. I bet you could make this really good.
Peanut, always, and whispering rain took care of everything else. Other than all those things, good job!
Only three dots, no more and no less.
Take notice of these small changes. They may seem like little things, but they are actually a very big part of writing. Especially script writing.
Again, very little corrections, but you still need to pay very close attention to it.
Also, live like what? What can't she handle? You need to explain this situation more. You need to explain an arguement between the parents and then have this scene.
Not so many exclamation points. If she is angry and says it with rage then put that she does so out to the side of the name. Also, again with the elipse. Three dots only, please. Punctuation, grammar, punctuation, grammar. That was the main problem with this script. I really hope that this helps and I am sorry if I came off to strong.
Why can't she live like that anymore?
Try to not put things in caps; it hurts some members' eyes. Stuff in bold and italics are my suggestions and stuff that is crossed out doesn't need to be there--either because there's too many dots or it's in caps.
Since this is short and my first time reviewing a script, the only thing I can think of to say is to work on your grammar. Tell us why her mother can't live like that anymore. Is it because of arguements or something?
Another thing: please remember our 2:1 policy around here: two reviews for every piece of work you submit.
Sorry for sounding like the big bad wolf; I'm not, really. My name's always and welcome to YWS! I'll be glad to help you if you have any questions or anything.
-alwaysawriter
Hey Abby. I thought this was good a few things though. 1. This seemed kinda old. What I mean is the whole Its-Not- You -It's-Me thing. Always the same. 2. The audience officially knows nothing about this family. I think I would be a good idea to add a narrator or just a short background thing. Just so they don't open the curtain and the actors are already screaming at each other. 3. Make it LONGER! Please make it longer. I want more! I really hope this helps.
~peanut~