This can't be happening. It just can't. This has always been just a dream, a figment of my imagination, a video that only happens in my mind while I'm dead asleep. Not now. I'm wide awake, and what's happening right now is very real.
I stared at the picture of my brother, of what he last looked like before the accident. Five years ago yesterday, I lost my big brother. He was only 16. It still doesn't seem fair. What would he do if he was in this situation right now?
I've been having this dream for weeks. It's just been a dream. Nothing more. I made sure I locked my window every single night after the first time I had this dream. How is it open? Why is it open? Who opened it!?
I think of hiding under my covers, surely if I just scrunch my eyes closed, this will all go away. Right? My mind is racing. I cannot fathom what is even going on at this very moment. I peek out from the top of my covers and see the claws still trying to get into my window. Long, yellow, sharp claws, barely holding on, but slowly working their way into my bedroom window.
I can't scream for help, that'll make it all worse. That thing would do one of two things. It would either run away and I'd seem like a complete loon, or my yelp for help would send it into a rage, and give it all the more reason to get into my room and slit my throat. Is that what this monster wanted? Did it want to kill me? Something worse? This may be just another dream, just very more realistic.
I slap myself in the face as hard as I can. That does nothing but makes the blood rush to the right side of my face, giving me a slight stinging sensation. I try pinching myself, so hard I see a tiny trickle of red liquid start running down my forearm. I'm awake. This is all very real. How am I going to escape this?
The thing finally enters my room. I hear its footsteps on my creaky, wood floor. I lay as flat and as still as I possibly can under my covers. The heavy breathing draws closer to my head, I can feel it against my sheets. I think of something, something I cannot believe I didn't think of sooner. The huge pan hanging right above my headboard for decoration. If I can just get ahold of it...
I rip the blanket off of my body suddenly, grab the pan, and hit the monster across the head with it several times. I hadn't even realized that I had jumped off my bed to continue hitting it after it had fallen to the floor until my mother came bursting through my bedroom door.
"Elyzabeth! What in the name of GOD do you think you're..."
She paused, looked at the figure laying in the floor, and fainted.
I'm frozen. Do I dare look at this beast? Is it a beast? Do I call 911 and make them come get my mother?
I look at the figure laying in my bedroom floor, and I cannot believe what my eyes are seeing. The head mask had fallen off, a small trickle of blood turning into a puddle in my floor, flows from his head. The older brother that I had, that had died five years ago in a tragic car accident, was laying unconcious in my room.
My thoughts are all over the place. I am literally begging God for him not to be dead. If he was alive, who did we bury at his funeral? Where had he been? Had I just actually killed him?
The rest of my family rushes into my room, my little sister stepping on my mom's hair, awakening her. We all stand around my brother, wondering, praying, staring.
"Dear Lord," my father begins. "We thought Michael had come to live with you. We all did. Now that he is lying here before us, we pray that you give us the knowledge to know what to do next. Thank you for sending him home. In Your name, Amen."
Suddenly, he opens his eyes.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
O.o
I like it! XD
This was very intresting story. I do have some corrections.
Maybe give us a sense that her brother was brave and that is why the narrator would want to do what he would in this situation.
You tend to go between tenses.
"He was only 16. It still doesn't seem fair." This should be one sentence.
"What would he do if he was in this situation right now?" This should not be a question but a statement. "I wonder what he would do if he was in my situation." Or something along those lines
"It's just been a dream." That sounds awkward. "It was just a dream". Or "It had only been a dream."
"I think of hiding under my covers, surely if I just scrunch my eyes closed, this will all go away." That is a run on sentence. "I think of hiding under my covers. Surely, if I just scrunch my eyes closed, this will all go away."
"just very more realistic"much more would be better and I recommend the word vivid instead of realistic.
>I rip the blanket off of my body suddenly, grab the pan, and hit the monster across the head with it several times.
Take 'suddenly' out of this sentence. The character is hitting the monster in the face. It does not have to be specified that he does it quickly.
>
Come on hun, you're better than this . . . Change it too:
'This may be just another dream, only more realistic.'
I think that sounds better.
"He was only 16." - when writing stories, it is better to use words when writing numbers, this creates a more formal outlook, even when your writing style is more laid back.
"I've been having this dream for weeks." You didn't elaborate on what the dream was about or suggested. You jumped from subject to subject in the piece of writing, this make it very hard to read.
"I slap myself in the face" This phrase doesn't exactly make sense, try something like "I slapped myself." You didn't need to include "in the face" as it doesn't exactly sound right, but it's also not needed.
"I try pinching myself, so hard I see a tiny trickle of red liquid start running down my forearm."This doesn't make much sense either, although there is a pause after the character declares that they attempted to pinch them self, a comma isn't the right way to go; try a semi colon. Also, you jumped again, this wasn't as bad as the subject jumping but instead of carrying on after the pause, you should have refreshed the subject by stating that it happened after you pinched yourself e.g: "I try pinching myself; i pinched so hard that a tiny trickle of red liquid started to run down my forearm."
I don't think many people would have a pan hanging above their headboard, just saying.
"Who opened it!?" This mistake is made often, there shouldn't be an exclamation mark, since it's a question there should only be a question mark. To signify that the question is said or thought with a tone of surprise, just make sure the text surrounding the question shows how the character is feeling. The exclamation in the question will be added as a natural response if the text surrounding it hints at the surprise, fear, confusion-- etc.
The story is very well written although it is somewhat hard to follow, (this could also be because it is 1 o'clock in the morning for me). It captured my attention and i liked your writing style very much, other than that I couldn't see any writing, spelling, or grammar mistakes, so you're good in that department. The only thing i would recommend is making your writing a bit more structured so you don't jump from subject to subject. But other than that i really do like this story! :-!
-- Writer'sBlock1221
Timmy here
This will be a short review because there isn't much to be said, I think. Not much critique I can add to what your reviewers below have already said, but I will read through and just give you some of my thoughts as I go through. Okay?
technical: Usually in writing, you spell the numbers out instead of writing the numerals down. So, in this case, sixteen would hit closer to the mark.
So you've started off by giving us a dream. You've told us that you've been having this same dream for weeks... and then your thoughts veer off to something else, without ever describing what your dream was/is about. Like, just a short description of the dream and the monster there would be good, just a little bit. Like just describing a bit of the leg or something peaking in through the window. Curtains blowing in the wind. A short, but sweet description just to keep the readers going with anticipation. You don't veer off much, but the focus switches from the dream to the window for a few sentences, and that seems like you are veering over the road. Keep straight, get the idea down and described - completed - and then move onto the next.
Okay, this is something that many people have a habit of doing, and it's not a big deal - but something that should be mentioned, nevertheless. Never do more than one punctuation mark at the end of a sentence. There are always ways to get the emotion into the sentence without resorting to that. With this, you could either exclude the question mark if you want the sentence to be screamed - and since you have the sentence begin with "who", it's already assumed it's a question, not a statement. Or you could exclude the exclamation mark if you don't want to be seen as yelling. Although, in this case, I would think the exclamation mark would be the most appropriate because the character is pretty worked up.
To be completely honest, this seemed a bit... handy. Like you needed something for your character to have as a weapon and threw it in the story because you couldn't think of anything else.
Um... wow. She doesn't need much to sag to the ground. xD
Okay, so that was a very electrifying story. O.O Your style of writing really sucks the reader in. Very captivating style of writing, and very... personal. You can just feel everything the character is experiencing, and I think that is a very important thing to have when writing a story like this. Needs to have a way to connect to the character, and experiencing and feeling the same things you go through. I like that a lot.
One thing I think this story could benefit from is a bit more description. There is a lot of telling in this work, but not much showing. Instead of saying the monster was creepy, you need to show us. In many places the description was enough to make my skin crawl. Very creepy and perfect. But in other places, I thought it missed the mark a bit. Especially as the work went on, and towards the end, it seemed as though you didn't describe the change in how she saw her brother (the monster), and I think that was a very important part of the description that could have been built up more. Instead of showing us the change in how you saw him, you told us. And I think we would have gotten a lot more emotion from that one part if you had focused more on the senses.
As far as it all goes, I think you did a wonderful job. The story really pulled me in right from the start, and I loved the topic you chose. I think it was very original and fun. The nightmare turning into something good is something many people have used before, but I think you did a wonderful job telling it. And it was a very good shocker when I realized that the nightmare was really her brother, and she had been hitting him with a pan. O.O Very nice job there. It was the perfect kind of surprise.
Keep up this wonderful writing, and post more soon! Welcome to YWS. <3
~Darth Timmyjake
It's cute that you find my character like Rapunzel. Because that's seriously what I imagined when I wrote that scene. ^_^
Wow! This is awesome! I was grinning through the entire thing. The suspense is great!
Nice job terrifying me.
First off, I love that the monster isn't just a predictable "creepy consciousness" or anything, and that even though there's no way this could happen in real life, (I hope...) the characters are so real! It made the creepiness that much more real.
Unfortunately, the tenses keep changing throughout the story, but other than that, I con't really find anything to worry about.
Also, I know it's the end of the story here, (great cliffhanger, by the way) but the end is driving me mad. HOW did he come back??
I just love this story SO much.
~Cat
Why thank you, love! Your kind words mean a lot! <3
Wow. I really didn't expect that plot twist, I literally just thought it was a "monster" in her dream and she thought it was real. And than the ending just wants to make you read more, because it develops interest in the reader (especially when you do a cliff hanger) or when you twist the plot.
I really hope to view more of your writing!
I loved that, it was a great ending and well written, please keep me posted if you ever write more. It sounds like it will become a very good story!!
Jack
Hello. My name is TeaLeaf. I am going to be reviewing your story.
This is a good story. It is certainly very tense and the suspension builds up throughout the piece, keeping readers gripped and wanting to read more to find out the fate of the protagonist. The small and vivid description of the "monster" and the image of the panicking protagonist build a picture of horror and fear. In my opinion, the ending is a good twist but it generates an impression that the story is more like an introduction or prologue to a novel than a short story.
However, I have also noticed a spelling mistake in your writing:
This should be "its". Not "it's". "Its" shows possession whereas "it's" is an abbreviation for "it is".
Another is that you lack description of the surroundings and the characters. I struggled to generate an image of the scenery in my mind and build a picture of the characters. In my opinion, if you added more description of the protagonist's room and her mother and her younger sister, it would improve your story.
The ending also feels a little rushed too. I think that this could be improved by fleshing it out more. For example, you tell the readers that the protagonist and their family are standing around the brother, and are wondering, praying and staring. But you do not show their facial expressions and perhaps how they're feeling. Also, what does it sound and look like while they are praying? How does the protagonist feel? How does the rest of the family feel? Etc.
It is a good story with a gripping and suspenseful plot, but it could be improved by adding more description and fleshing out the ending more.
- TeaLeaf
I really appreciate your review. I actually just finished editing it, so if you don't mind re-reading and giving me another review, that'd be great.