With the setting of the sun,
when even the day exclaims "I'm done!"
With its fellow stars....... The moon rises,
saying i'll take over.. till u rejuvenate, darling!
And how it just sensationalizes ,
despite all the craters and continuously changing positions,
yet...... the mysterious little charm.. that it's guarding!
That when it's absent.... there's a weird absence... yet fullness,
till the sun comes up.... with weird a coolness ,
hiding all the stars... and darkness....... and the time...
when many.... just chime..........
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Canary word: Present
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Radrook here to provide feedback. Please note that my suggestions aren't meant to offend. However, if I do offend, then you have my apologies beforehand.
First, I like the use of rhyme such as [rises, sensationalizes] [ sun, done] [fullness coolness] and [time chime.] The use of personification also helped to differentiate the poem from common prose and makes the reading far more interesting.
Suggestions
....saying: "I'll take over until you rejuvenate, darling!"
Please note that the word "weird" doesn't describe anything specific. It leaves the reader asking, "Weird in what way?"
Not sure how "sensationalizes" fits in with the theme. It conveys an unnecessary exaggeration and the poem certainly isn't about how the moon or the sun or anything else described is an unnecessary exaggeration.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/diction ... ationalize
Hey Aadya! CorruptedArrow here with a review. Anything I say here is just constructive criticism, I don't mean to offend you in any way. (I might also make some very crappy puns.)
"With its fellow stars....... The moon rises,
saying i'll take over.. till u rejuvenate, darling!" The comma train has just left the station. With putting the periods like you have, you loose the readers interest. Besides getting rid of the abundance of periods there shouldn't be a comma after 'rises'.
"And how it just sensationalizes ,
despite all the craters and continuously changing positions,
yet...... the mysterious little charm.. that it's guarding!" Commas, Commas everywhere. There shouldn't be comma after 'sensationalizes'.
"That when it's absent.... there's a weird absence... yet fullness,
till the sun comes up.... with weird a coolness ,
hiding all the stars... and darkness....... and the time...
when many.... just chime.........." There shouldn't be a comma after 'fullness', 'coolness'.
And after this is all said and done, I have nothing else to try and help. Anyways keep up the writing and have a good day!