~Did you know?~

by ARBY367
  • April 16, 2010
  • Poetry
  • Other

Did you know?
We have one love,
One hope,
One dream.
One love; can't say.
One hope; treated as faith.
One dream; still forming.

Comments & reviews · 5
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babygirl12
Comment
babygirl12 commented · Fri May 14, 2010 9:03 pm

I meant *Simple

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babygirl12
Comment
babygirl12 commented · Fri May 14, 2010 9:02 pm

Its sinple, but cute.
Nice work!! :]
Keep it up...

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fight4whatisright
Review
fight4whatisright wrote a review · Sat Apr 17, 2010 5:23 am

hi
i agree with elinor, you need to expand more on this awesome idea. I was like, cool, cool, cool, oh it's over.
one line that confused me was...

One love; can't say.
i didn't understand what you were trying to say here.

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Elinor
Review
Elinor wrote a review · Sat Apr 17, 2010 3:38 am

Hi!

Okay, so I liked what you were trying to do with this poem. At first I thought it was a bit cliché, but after a second read through I realized what you were trying to do.

I think you need to expand upon your idea a little bit more. Why is the narrator saying these things to the reader? Why is it relevant? Why shouldn't the reader know anything that you listed? What do you want your reader to walk away with? Right now, it's a quick, "Yeah, okay, so?" Think about that when you revise.

Overall, I think okay. Your first draft wasn't perfect, obviously, but that will come with revision.

My Rating:
6.5/10

PM me if you have questions!

-Elinor xo



I didn't want to slow time, I just wanted to make a little rock.
— MomoMajesty's brother