What I've Been Missing

Hello, Wolf here to do some reviewing!

The first thing I noticed about this poem was that it connected with me perfectly. It was like you'd looked into my life and wrought what you saw there.

The second thing I noticed was your grammar. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but at the moment I don't see a single period. I can guess at where the sentences start and end. But there are some places where there are multiple possibilities, and each one makes it mean something different. Grammar is always important.

The third thing that I realized when reading this was that maybe I'm half inventing it while I read it. The images really aren't clear enough for the first thing I noticed to really be correct. It doesn't connect with me perfectly, but because of the lack of imagery it can be viewed in a ways that makes it connect with me.
I don't know if this was intentional or not. If it wasn't then you might want to try going back and making what your talking about a little more clear. If it was intentional, then you must be really careful. Most people really like poems with a lot of imagery, and are expecting there to be a good amount of imagery. So if you don't put it, people will really notice the lack of it, so you need to add something to distract them from the lack of visuals. I'm not quite sure what, I've never really tried to write a poem without visuals. At the moment the only thing I(the reader) have to imagine is the emotions, which sense anyone who read poetry frequently would be used to good poetry being full of emotions, they don't really distract me from the lake of imagery.

But I still have to complement you on your ability to get emotions across. There are a good number of poets who use imagery to get their emotions across, so the fact that you got the emotions this strong without very many visuals is really good.

You did wonderful with this piece. I really don't think there's much more to add about it.
But I was skimming through your other reviews, and I saw one thing that really bothered me.

One person had said that you need to divide the poem into stanzas. This is not true. I have a whole book of poetry by Robert Frost and there are quite a lot of poems in there that are not divided into stanzas.
Poems with stanza do tend to have a better pace, which is why I think that WillowCutz said that you should put stanzas. But you can also create a slower pace by making the lines longer. So instead of...

This is what I've been missing
where it's all about my pen
no looking at others
wondering where they've been
wondering if they'll care
never knowing the within
how it controls me
how it shakes me
how it governs my actions
add to my inactions

Try something more like...

This is what I've been missing,
where it's all about my pen, no looking at others.
Wondering where they've been. Wondering if they'll care.
Never knowing the within,
how it controls me, how it shakes me,
how it governs my actions, add to my inactions

I didn't change the wording at all, I just moved some lines up and added a few commas and then it had a different pace.

Although, using short lines could be useful, depending on what you are depicting. I think in this particular case longer lines or stanzas would probably get the poem across better. But how it is right now is fine.


I hope this helped. And remember, you're a great poem and you should never stop writing!
~WW

Hey there, I'm June,

I really like the theme of the poem you have here. It's very easy to relate to, and the return to the pen concept is a theme I've recently applied to my own life. Here are a few things I noticed whilst reading your poem:

• You seem to repeat a lot of words and ideas - this isn't a bad thing, of course, but when you have a restrictive format to deliver a powerful message in, you have to pick your battles carefully. I would recommend cutting out the duplicates of any ideas you have in here, because chances are, if you tell us of something once, we're probably going to remember it.

• Your rhyme scheme is inconsistent - there are instances when an inconsistent rhyme scheme works, but unfortunately, this poem is not one of those instances. In fact, I've noticed you repeat a part a few times just to match the rhyme you needed, and while this might work in some cases, it makes this poem come off as rather redundant, dearie.

• We get lost in the middle - at the beginning, we have the idea of a writer, and at the end, it seems we have a musician. I'm not sure what period of transition or discovery takes place in the middle of the poem, because it hasn't been articulated clearly enough for us to pick up on. I would recommend sitting down with this poem and thinking of places where you can expand your ideas a little in original descriptions that are all your own. For now, the poem feels more like a generalist review to test the waters.

Best,

June

Hey Aonar,

My first impression is that this runs a little long, though, I can see it as this spoken word quality to it. But there's not really much unifying all of these different ideas together, rather, it seems almost as if there's three different poems in here. The first part seems to be talking about and focused on the prospect of writing poems. This part here:

They now
don't try to stand
by nearly
dearly
the way they used to

Okay, first off.... You need stanzas. It seperates the poem for reading and visual appearence. When you read something like this it makes the words go on forever. The reader needs a pause to breath. Plus the visual appearence of the poem is hurt by the lack of stanzas. People look at this and see letters and suddenly they get queasy and don't want to read it. Seperate the lines!
Oh great now I have to read it, queasy.... Too many letters................
Yeah okay, next up.... The lines are too seperated. Stanza seperation is important, as is line seperation. The way this is set up
It looks
Like
This
And that
Makes
The
Story Hard to
Understand.
It,s like when you,re on a sail boat and the waves make you want to puke and they mess up your coordination. Or like skiiing, when the speed of gravity makes you have to react differently and when you stop you can't stop feeling the bumps and jostles of the slopes. I'm sure it,s a great poem, but it needs a little bit of cosmetic work.

Peace out!