A Rift Between Magi: Chapter 1

by ANADIR

Published June 24, 2016

12+

In A Rift Between Magi

PreviousNext

8 Years Ago

Rick had recently discovered the beautiful thing that was extortion. Or rather, whining to his parents until they gave him money to buy his school lunch instead of packing him a banana and a cup of yogurt.

Young Rick rifled around in his pockets a little, just to make sure the five dollar bill he had dragged out of his mother’s hands that morning was still there. After confirming that his bounty remained in its rightful place he looked up confidently at the huge sign adorning his new school. “St. Nathan’s Junior High.” He muttered to himself, nervously fiddling with his backpack straps.

Rick found himself suddenly staggering forwards as a force that felt like a raging bull slammed into him.

“Hey there, newbie. Muttering to yourself isn’t cool man. If you’ve got something to say, tell it to all of us.”

Rick turned around in dread and found himself looking upon the worst nightmare of all sixth graders: an eighth grader. And not just any eighth grader, but Jason himself. All of the elementary students had heard legends of the king of bullies, Jason. Rick had once heard that when Jason was in sixth grade he beat up ten eighth graders when they wouldn’t give him their lunch money.

Rick thought that legend might be slightly exaggerated though. Personally, he suspected it was more like two or three of them. Jason pushed Rick again, harder this time.

“Don’t ignore me, twerp! I don’t like it when people ignore me.”

“So what do you do when your parents do that every time you go home?”

Rick clapped a hand over his mouth but it was too late. The kids around them had burst into laughter and Jason’s face was nearly finished with its transformation into an overripe tomato.

Rick found himself lifted into the air by the collar of his new white shirt.

“Think you can talk smack, huh? I’ll show you!” Jason snarled, spittle flying everywhere.

Jason reached into Rick’s pockets, only pausing slightly to utter a quiet “no homo”. It didn’t take him long to discover Rick’s hard earned lunch money.

“Aha! I think I’ll be taking this.” Jason smirked at Rick, and then dropped him onto the concrete.

As Jason was turning around to leave the scene before any teachers got there, a blur flew across the campus and slammed into him. He staggered and then fell over under a flurry of angry kicks and punches.

When the rabid assault had finally ended, Rick’s savior stood up and revealed herself. Rick’s mouth dropped open. He had thought he was short; but she was nearly an entire head shorter than he was.

She noticed his look and grinned at him, offering a hand. Hesitantly, Rick took the outstretched limb. “Who are you?” He carefully asked.

She brushed a little hair out of her eyes. “I’m Jenny, but you can call me Jen. I thought it was pretty cool how you stood up to that bully.”

Rick’s eyes flicked to Jason’s downed body and then back to Jen. He was pretty sure he just waved a red cloth in front of a bull and then failed to get away, but he wasn’t about to contradict the person who had just saved him. “Ah, thanks. But I think you did more of the standing up. And he’s doing a little more of the lying down, now.”

Jen grinned at him and handed Rick back his five dollar bill. “I believe this is yours. And what’s your name? You haven’t told me yet.”

Rick grinned sheepishly. “I’m Rick. Thanks for helping me out.”

The bell suddenly rang, sending all the students scrambling to get to their first classes before they were late.

As Jen and Rick ran in opposite directions Rick glanced up at the large cafeteria menu to see what he could put his five dollars towards. There was only one option on the menu:

Banana and Yogurt Cup- $6

Rick managed to shrug as he ran. It really didn’t matter- today was going to be a good day.

1 Year Ago

The atmosphere around the school was hyper, and students walked around with long sweeping steps, eager to get the graduation over with. Rick was one of the students scurrying across campus attempting to find his friends before graduation started.

“Rick! I finally found you!”

Rick turned to face Jen and a wide grin split his face. She hadn’t grown much in height in all their years together in high school, but she had certainly matured. Her body was well toned from constant practice in martial arts. Her brown eyes were striking and matched her hair very nicely.

“I think it was more of the other way around, I saw you with the eyes on the back of my head.” Rick replied.

Jen laughed and held up her hand to punch Rick on the shoulder. Rick threw his hands up in the air. “Please don’t, I don’t want a bruise on the last day of high school.”

Jen shrugged. “Fine. But I still think you need to toughen up a little more.”

Rick scratched his head. “I told you I enrolled in a martial arts class. But why do I need to, you can be the hulk here. I’ll just stand back and do the research while you smack the bad guys.”

Something flashed across Jen’s face but it was gone before Rick could place it. “You can’t always rely on that.” She said after a moment.

“Why? We’re going to the same college.” Rick pointed out.

“And after that?” Jen asked.

Rick chuckled. “If people are still beating each other up when I’m in a job, I’m probably in the wrong field.”

Jen sighed. “Right you are. Oh look, there’s Nicholas!”

Rick glanced over to where Jen was looking. Nicholas was her boyfriend, but Rick didn’t think much of him. He had slick black hair and he seemed to always look down on everyone. Despite that, Rick never said anything about it. As far as he saw it, anything that made Jen happy was good enough for him.

Nicholas nodded at Rick and hugged Jen.

“How’s it going, guys?”

Before they could answer, an announcement cut them off.

“All twelfth grade students, please report the football field to begin the Graduation ceremony. Thank you.”

The three waved goodbye, and raced off to their respective positions.

After the graduation ceremony, they all headed to a small fast food place near the school.

“Order what you want, it’s all on me.” Nicholas said with a grin.

Rick nodded his gratitude at Nicholas. He ordered a burger and a small soda and then plopped down at a table to wait for the other two. As he waited, a huge shadow suddenly passed over the windows, and he rushed to see what it was. But when he looked outside, nothing was there. The sky was completely clear, so it couldn’t have been clouds either.

Rick frowned and looked back in the restaurant. Nobody else was looking out the windows, but Jen seemed to be eyeing him carefully. Nicholas was still busy ordering his food. Rick gave Jen a weak grin and she shrugged, turning back to the server.

“Am I going crazy? I know I saw something.” Rick muttered to himself.

After the other two had joined him at the table and everyone had started eating, Rick motioned towards the window. “Did you guys see a shadow pass over the restaurant a few minutes ago?”

Nicholas grunted. “Was it an airplane?”

“I don’t think so; it was gone way too fast. Maybe I just imagined it.”

Jen didn’t say anything, and scarfed down the rest of her meal.

“Guys, I have to run. My parents want to celebrate my graduation with me as well. I’m sorry.”

Rick frowned “Ok, I’ll catch you later.”

Nicholas shrugged and threw his garbage in the trash bin. “I’ll see you tonight.” He said, and walked out of the restaurant.

Rick raised an eyebrow at Jen, but when she said nothing, he dropped it.

A minute or two later of uncomfortable silence, Jen waved goodbye to Rick and walked out of the store. Rick was left staring at the table, wondering what came next.

As he stared at the table, someone sat down across from him. Rick looked up in surprise. Across the table sat a massive man in a bowler hat and a trench coat.

“Good day, Mr. Adronus.”

“I’m afraid you have an advantage over me. I have no idea who you are.” Rick said. He glanced around the restaurant, but everyone was gone.

“Oh, that isn’t too important. Look, Rick. Do you mind if I call you that? Ah, that doesn’t matter either. Listen, kid. I’d like to tell you that you’re some special bloke, or that you’ve received some scholarship. But that isn’t the case. You’re average, albeit a slightly good inclination towards the sciences. So I’ll be straight with you, man to man. We’re interested in your friend.”

Rick went to stand up and leave, but the tall man casually reached into his coat and pulled a huge revolver out. He casually put it on the table. Rick gulped and slowly sat back down.

“What friend would you be talking about?” He asked carefully.

“Don’t play stupid with me, Nick. You know full well who I’m talking about.” The tall man replied.

“Nicholas?”

The man snorted and chuckled a little. “No, not Nicholas. I am quite interested in his girlfriend, Jen. And you have quite the long history with her.”

Rick’s eyes narrowed. “What do you want with her?”

The man laughed. “This isn’t give one and get one, kid. You answer my questions, or you get shot. Tell me, where does Jen live?”

Rick slammed his knee into the table, sending everything flying, and then scrambled for the door. There were two deafening cracks, and Rick felt two bullets fly past him, crashing into the walls of the restaurant. Rick flung the door open and sprinted away, weaving in and out through the neighborhood.

After what felt like hours of running, He finally decided that he had lost the tall man. He took out his cell and dialed 911. It didn’t take him long to find out that they couldn’t do anything without a good description of the man, so he hung up in disgust.

He called Jen’s cell and home phone, but neither answered. After a few more tries, he left a message warning her to stay out of town for a while. Then he headed back home and flopped into bed.

“What on earth is going on? Jen is right, I really need to get stronger.” He said, and before he could fight it, sleep overtook him.

Now

Rick’s fists pounded mercilessly into the punching bag. It had turned out that he was a natural at fighting, and he had quickly risen to the higher ranks, baffling all of his mentors. None of them could explain how he had grown so adept at the art that most had to study years to master. However, none of them had the nagging fear of a tall man in a black trench coat and bowler.

Ever since Rick had graduated from high school and enrolled in college, nobody had heard from either Jen or Nicholas. There had been a long search, but neither of them had shown up. Their entire families had disappeared as well.

Rick had gone to the police nearly every day to see if he could get any information on the case from them, but they had quickly grown tired of his questions and banned him from entering unless he had either evidence or a different issue. So Rick had taken it upon himself, taking a pause year before college and doing random jobs to earn enough money to hire private investigators.

There was a loud rip, and the bag Rick was punching ripped down the middle, spilling sand everywhere around him. Rick sighed and dropped out of his fighting stance.

“That’s the second one this month, Rick.”

Rick turned to face his instructor and threw his hands up in the air. “I don’t know what to say, Sir. They must just be old.”

The other nodded. “That they are. But you really are something else. In all my years of teaching, I’ve never seen anyone progress as fast as you have.”

Rick chuckled mirthlessly. “They didn’t have the motivation I did.”

Rick’s phone rang loudly, and he grinned sheepishly at his instructor before jogging over to his bag and pulling it out.

“Hello? How can I help you?”

“Is this Mr. Adronus?”

“Yes. What can I do for you today?”

“If you’re still doing that body guarding thing, would you be willing to do it for a poor old man? I’m afraid I’ve made quite a few enemies over my years here.”

Rick frowned. Something seemed slightly off about the caller.

“I’m still doing bodyguarding, yes. My usual rates do apply though, I’m not doing anything for free.”

“Of course, of course. You will receive your payment at the end of the night.”

“Where shall I meet you?” Rick inquired.

“That club near the middle of the town. La Dance, I believe it was called. The sooner you’re here, the better. I’ll be standing in front of a blue Chevy.”

Rick sighed and ended the call.

“Sorry, it looks like my job is calling. I’ll come back to train later, Sensei.”

Rick left the dojo and got into his car. La Dance was a club for mostly lowlifes. It was under slight suspect for human trafficking, but even after multiple surprise searches nothing was found. Rick drove over to his apartment and changed into a stiff business suit. He pulled a pair of black sunglasses out and slipped them on. After slipping a small gun into its holster, he ran back outside and got in his car.

After a short drive, he arrived at La Dance. He parked and glanced in his mirror. When everything appeared to be in place, he exited the car and deftly strode towards the only blue car in the lot. A slight old man in a grey business suit was leaning on an exquisitely carved cane and watching him closely.

“Are you Mr. Adronus?” He asked once Rick got close enough.

“I am. Normally I don’t ask what my clients are doing, but what are you doing at a club like this? You seem quite respectable.”

The other looked at him out from under two bushy eyebrows.

“I’ve got my reasons. But to be frank, this is more about you than me. You’ve been hiring quite a few private investigators for a case long cold, Mr. Adronus.”

Rick spun, his hand going towards his hidden gun.

“I’m sorry, have I done something wrong, Mr…”

“Stevenson. And I would not say so. However, as I’m sure you know very well, there are those who would disagree. You haven’t been covert enough about your operations, and now you’re on Their list.”

Rick’s heart was pounding faster and faster. This was the most news he had heard about the case the entire year.

“And who would They be?”

Mr. Stevenson grinned lopsidedly at Rick.

“I’ll tell you more inside. In return, you will exempt me from paying you with cash.”

“For any information on this? Gladly. Lead the way, Mr. Stevenson.”

Mr. Stevenson grinned at Rick and tapped his cane on the ground. When he saw Rick inspecting the staff, he lifted it up to reflect against the dying sunlight. Rick suddenly realized the older man had flesh colored gloves on.

“They’re to stop splinters. This staff is quite old, you know. It has been in the family for a long time.”

Rick shrugged, and the two entered the club.

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
Omni
Review
Omni wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2016

Yo Anadir! Happy Review Day! So, I just reviewed your third chapter. Yes, I'm reading them out of order haha. However, this review is going to be my fourth star! So, yay!

The other disclaimers still apply, and I'm going to add one. I have not read any of your past reviews on this, so I repeat something that a past review said, I apologize. However, that might actually help you on figuring parts that you did well and parts that you might need to improve on. Anyway, let's get started!

Rick had recently discovered the beautiful thing that was extortion.


What a cool way to start this story off! I love good introductions, and this one is one of those. Dirty Rick!

Rick turned around in dread and found himself looking upon the worst nightmare of all sixth graders: an eighth grader. And not just any eighth grader, but Jason himself. All of the elementary students had heard legends of the king of bullies, Jason. Rick had once heard that when Jason was in sixth grade he beat up ten eighth graders when they wouldn’t give him their lunch money.


Oh man this is great. I think this is just a perfect example of how kids that age exaggerated so much! I remember myself doing the same, and now that I have a niece that's close to this age, I get to remember it all over again.

Banana and Yogurt Cup- $6


That is one comically expensive yogurt cup! What school is Rick's parents sending him to, anyway.

“Don’t play stupid with me, Nick. You know full well who I’m talking about.”


Did you mean to put Nick there?


So, I didn't really see much wrong with this chapter! It hooked me in straight from the beginning. You have a way of writing. So, is the guy that hired Rick the same man that was questioning him from the year before? It's being set up that way, to me. Rick seemed to recognize the voice, and he didn't get a good view of him either times. If so, why would the man be contacting him again after all this time.

Also, just a side note, but I'm guessing Rick lives well enough to hire these private investigators. They're pretty expensive, and if he has multiple ones, that's a lot of money they're sucking out of him. Then again, he must be making a lot of money from being a bodyguard.

I think this was nice! The flesh-colored gloves was a little odd, but it was most likely meant to be that way. Honestly, I'm excited to read and review the next chapter. Until then!

ANADIR replied · Aug 4, 2016

Thanks for the review, and congratz on your 4th! :D

User avatar
felistia
Review
felistia wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2016

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

As Jason was turning around to leave the scene before any teachers got there, a blur flew across the campus and slammed into him. He staggered and then fell over under a flurry of angry kicks and punches.
When the rabid assault had finally ended, Rick’s savior stood up and revealed herself. Rick’s mouth dropped open. He had thought he was short; but she was nearly an entire head shorter than he was.
She noticed his look and grinned at him, offering a hand. Hesitantly, Rick took the outstretched limb. “Who are you?” He carefully asked.
She brushed a little hair out of her eyes. “I’m Jenny, but you can call me Jen. I thought it was pretty cool how you stood up to that bully.”
Okay so I’m a bit confused with this. Jenny is a girl and she just took on a boy, who even if they are the same grade, is still stronger than her. How did she manage to overpower this king bully so easily? I mean she’d have to be much older than him to stand a chance against a boy.

As Jen and Rick ran in opposite directions Rick glanced up at the large cafeteria menu to see what he could put his five dollars towards. There was only one option on the menu:
Banana and Yogurt Cup- $6
Just wanted to point out that this is really funny and carries a good feeling of irony. :D
“Rick! I finally found you!”
Rick turned to face Jen and a wide grin split his face. She hadn’t grown much in height in all their years together in high school,
Okay so I’m presuming that Jenny’s the same round about the same age as Rick. First thing is, I think you should have made this clear in the first part before the heading 1 year. The second things is, how on earth did she defeat that bully? You do explain that she’s good with martial arts, but this attack was about seven years ago and she still was rather young.
“Did you guys see a shadow pass over the restaurant a few minutes ago?”
I can’t wait to find out what this is. :D
“Guys, I have to run. My parents want to celebrate my graduation with me as well. I’m sorry.”
I’d put some sort of dialogue tag after this to show the reader who’s talking, because it took me a minute to figure out who was talking. You want your reader to know instantly so that the reading is smooth.
but the tall man casually reached into his coat and pulled a huge revolver out.
plot twist!!!!!!!!! Great job on keeping the first chapter interesting. :D
“If you’re still doing that body guarding thing, would you be willing to do it for a poor old man? I’m afraid I’ve made quite a few enemies over my years here.”
I suspect something is going on here.
Grammar and Punctuation
heard legends of the king of bullies, Jason.
I think instead of putting a comma between “bullies” and “Janson” you should put a semi colon like this
heard legends of the king of bullies; Jason.

1 Year Ago
I’d put these sorts of things in bold just to make them more obvious. :D
Don’t play stupid with me, Nick.
I think you meant to say “Rick” instead of “Nick”.

Overall thoughts

Chapter plot: Okay so this has turned out to be a detective story. At first I thought it was going to be one of those high school drama stories, but no. That’s good. I love mysteries. You’ve established the plot of the story fairly well and didn’t just throw me as the reader straight into the deep end. I suspect that this man Rick’s meeting with might not be to good. But then he could be one of those characters that appears mysteriously and disappears without a trace. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. :D

Characters: Right now on to the characters. If you’d just thrown me into the present where Rick is now looking for Jenny and Nicholas, I probably wouldn’t have cared at all for their characters. You also would have had to have a whole lot of info dumps. But you decided to start 8 years ago. I think this was a great idea. You established character connections and personalities. Now I’m actually rooting for Rick to find Jenny and Nicholas and I understand the reason why he’s looking for them. :D

Description: Your description was fairly good. It wasn’t the best that I’ve seen, but there was just enough that I could picture everything that was going on. I think you could probably include a bit more if you wanted, but you don’t have too. There’s enough for the moment. The upside to adding more description is that you can give the reader a feeling of a certain situation with out stating it blatantly. It makes for a more interesting read. :D

FadingBrighter wrote a review Review · Jun 28, 2016

Alrighty, so, there are quite a few time inconsistencies. Also, I am assuming you have not graduated high school yet as the graduation scene was a little bit off. I know that these are minor nitpicks, but they really stood out as odd to me so here we go.
High school graduation usually takes place a few days if not a full week after school is out for the summer. So it doesn't really make sense that non-graduates would be there. Also, you generally meet up in the auditorium or on the field before hand, and the stupid things take hours.
Next, I notice you said a year had passed since Jen had disappeared. So that would make it summer again right? And the protagonist would have spent an entire year at university? I think at that point it would no longer be "since I enrolled in college" and would change to "since i became a college student" I don't know, that just seemed odd to me.
As a whole, the separate parts themselves were well placed, but the transition between time skips was nonexistent. Also, the dialog came across as very forced, and the characters lacked any definitive characteristics outside of their interactions with each other. I think that this is due to the short, sporadic length of the pieces. Their small size allots for no development, though that is exactly the reason they are included in the story. I think you best option in this case would be to expand on the two main charecter, Jen and Rick.
Hope my comments helped!

ANADIR replied · Jun 28, 2016

Thanks for the review, you make some good points. I misnamed this- as It should have probably been 'Prologue' and not 'Chapter 1'. I believe both characters are more developed in the following chapters.

User avatar
Redbox275
Review
Redbox275 wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2016

Hi there, Red here for a review.

I'm not sure really where to start. Based on your description, I got something different than I thought. I thought it would be about a magic school but that was not the case. Maybe I missed something and did not read it properly, but I do not remember any magic. The plot at first seemed like a campy kid's cartoon with Jason. Then a thriller with the guy in the trench coat....

Something that stood out to me was the atmosphere on the story. It is similar to what I said a paragraph ago. The tone seems really light then I felt got darker towards the end. I feel like it could more consistent.

Another aspect you could improve on is the pacing. It's very rushed. At one moment, Rick is threatened then another moment he is in college training to become stronger. It gets confusing. What would help is if you included more descriptions and a clearer transitions.

Out of all your character my favorite is Jem. Her introduction when she beat Jason was vague and confusing, but she seems well characterized. The Nick character was under the mistake of show don't tell meaning you listened how he was a disdainful guy, but I never got that vibe from him when I read it.

Also there are two things that bothered me. The yogurt and the banana thing was funny. Good conclusion to the scene, I like the idea. A lot. It should just be a different food because what cafeteria only serves a yogurt and a banana....

Another thing is about the graduation ceremony. Don't graduation ceremonies on the weekend? I don't know that scene took the realism away because there were no parents in that scene congradulating and celebrating.

I really like these lines:

"Young Rick rifled around in his pockets a little, just to make sure the five dollar bill he had dragged out of his mother’s hands that morning was still there."

"Rick found himself suddenly staggering forwards as a force that felt like a raging bull slammed into him."

Thanks for reading my review. Keep writing. Please finish the story.

Redbox275

ANADIR replied · Jun 26, 2016

Thanks so much for the review. In regards to the magic school- it does appear. It just takes a little to get there- about chapter three. I agree that my writing is often fast paced, so thank you for pointing out a few points where I could improve it. Nick will be SLIGHTLY more developed in coming chapters, but you wont really see much of him until later in the book. I think adding to the graduation ceremony is also a good idea.

I do have the second chapter posted, and I currently have six written. If you're looking for magic, that will come into play in chapter 2 and the school will appear in 3. Thanks so much for the review!

ANADIR replied · Jun 26, 2016

Thanks so much for the review. In regards to the magic school- it does appear. It just takes a little to get there- about chapter three. I agree that my writing is often fast paced, so thank you for pointing out a few points where I could improve it. Nick will be SLIGHTLY more developed in coming chapters, but you wont really see much of him until later in the book. I think adding to the graduation ceremony is also a good idea.

I do have the second chapter posted, and I currently have six written. If you're looking for magic, that will come into play in chapter 2 and the school will appear in 3. Thanks so much for the review!

ANADIR replied · Jun 26, 2016

Thanks so much for the review. In regards to the magic school- it does appear. It just takes a little to get there- about chapter three. I agree that my writing is often fast paced, so thank you for pointing out a few points where I could improve it. Nick will be SLIGHTLY more developed in coming chapters, but you wont really see much of him until later in the book. I think adding to the graduation ceremony is also a good idea.

I do have the second chapter posted, and I currently have six written. If you're looking for magic, that will come into play in chapter 2 and the school will appear in 3. Thanks so much for the review!

ANADIR replied · Jun 26, 2016

Thanks so much for the review. In regards to the magic school- it does appear. It just takes a little to get there- about chapter three. I agree that my writing is often fast paced, so thank you for pointing out a few points where I could improve it. Nick will be SLIGHTLY more developed in coming chapters, but you wont really see much of him until later in the book. I think adding to the graduation ceremony is also a good idea.

I do have the second chapter posted, and I currently have six written. If you're looking for magic, that will come into play in chapter 2 and the school will appear in 3. Thanks so much for the review!

ANADIR replied · Jun 26, 2016

Thanks so much for the review. In regards to the magic school- it does appear. It just takes a little to get there- about chapter three. I agree that my writing is often fast paced, so thank you for pointing out a few points where I could improve it. Nick will be SLIGHTLY more developed in coming chapters, but you wont really see much of him until later in the book. I think adding to the graduation ceremony is also a good idea.

I do have the second chapter posted, and I currently have six written. If you're looking for magic, that will come into play in chapter 2 and the school will appear in 3. Thanks so much for the review!

ANADIR replied · Jun 26, 2016

Thanks so much for the review. In regards to the magic school- it does appear. It just takes a little to get there- about chapter three. I agree that my writing is often fast paced, so thank you for pointing out a few points where I could improve it. Nick will be SLIGHTLY more developed in coming chapters, but you wont really see much of him until later in the book. I think adding to the graduation ceremony is also a good idea.

I do have the second chapter posted, and I currently have six written. If you're looking for magic, that will come into play in chapter 2 and the school will appear in 3. Thanks so much for the review!

ANADIR replied · Jun 26, 2016

Thanks so much for the review. In regards to the magic school- it does appear. It just takes a little to get there- about chapter three. I agree that my writing is often fast paced, so thank you for pointing out a few points where I could improve it. Nick will be SLIGHTLY more developed in coming chapters, but you wont really see much of him until later in the book. I think adding to the graduation ceremony is also a good idea.

I do have the second chapter posted, and I currently have six written. If you're looking for magic, that will come into play in chapter 2 and the school will appear in 3. Thanks so much for the review!

ANADIR replied · Jun 26, 2016

woah. Why the heck did it post my answer like 5 times

User avatar
StarGazer
Review
StarGazer wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2016

Hello! This is very interesting. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. The bullying scene is cliche, as is the sudden rescue, but I'm not holding that against the book. If you make too much of a use of cliches, it might backfire, but for now I can accept it. Others might argue, though, so it might be best to find another way of meeting. The main character having the special best friend is an interesting dynamic. It's pretty unusual, which can work in your advantage. However, the novel should follow the most interesting character. If what's going on with Jen is more interesting, we should be following her, ignoring the common theme of the main being special. The ending with Mr. Stevenson is pretty interesting as well. He knows something, obviously, and Rick is willing to do anything to find out more about his missing friends. A bodyguard is a pretty funny occupation for someone who got beat up in elementary school, but he grew into it, I guess. The man who took Jen is clearly up to no good, but he feels like a flat villain right now. I hope he grows into the role more. My only confusion is how long has it been since Jen vanished? My personal guess is quite a few years, assuming our main is in his twenties. How hard is he still looking for his friend? By now, the investigation would have probably stopped and he'd be on his own. What is he still doing? How much of a connection does he have to this girl? Other than these few nitpicks, this was a very good start to a story. Well done!

ANADIR replied · Jun 26, 2016

Just in case you're curious, I'll give a little more info/answer a few questions. Right now, Jen is the most interesting character, but Rick will gain some abilities to at least put him on par with her. The man that was after Jen was never actually confirmed to take her. He was just trying to find her, and she disappeared. Rick doesn't know if he got her or if Jen ran away. I had given times when things had taken place, starting with eight years back. It went to and stopped when Rick was just out of school for about a year- he mentions to Mr. Stevenson that he was too young to drink. That would place him at about 19-20 years old.
Thanks for the review! :D

User avatar
Eac101 Review
Eac101 wrote a review Review · Jun 24, 2016

So far, this story seems to be pretty good. That being said, I've only read the first chapter, but you've hooked me well enough to make me want to read the rest. Let's start with the positives - I think the story so far and quite a few of the concepts are very nice. However, it does dabble a bit into the cliche towards the beginning with the typical bullying scene. I felt like some of the dialogue in the first few paragraphs was just about as basic as you could get, and quite frankly, you didn't have to mention the banana and yogurt cup thing. Or the "no homo" gag - years from now, that could be seriously outdated.
I like Rick, the main protagonist. I think it's nice to see an average guy who doesn't seem to have anything special about him (although that could change) as the protagonist. Jen and Nicholas are... interesting. Depending on the path you take with them, Jen could either be strong and relatable, or so perfect that she becomes a Mary Sue. Nicholas I fear could be portrayed as a bit of a jerk, especially if you take the love triangle route. The bowler hat guy is cool, and so is Mr. Stevenson.
You also have a good range of vocabulary. That's always nice to see, just don't go overboard.
Now on to the negatives. I feel like sometimes you aren't very descriptive in the scenery. That would help to immerse readers in the story mode. Also, the pacing can be a bit odd. For instance, you lightly breezed over the characters' graduation. Graduating from High School is usually a very important moment in a teenager's life, and I found it a bit odd that you didn't mention the significance of the moment. If you really feel that it doesn't need to be focused on, then I would suggest doing this thing I see other authors doing a lot. I'm not sure what it's called, but they typically put a symbol, like *** or ~~~ between to paragraphs to represent a scene or time change.
Speaking of time, I think it may be a good idea to split this chapter into two parts. The first would be a prologue containing the flashbacks, and the second would be the first chapter in the present. That way, the pacing isn't as wonky.

Anyways, this was a very fun read and you're doing a good job! Keep it up!

ANADIR replied · Jun 24, 2016

I really appreciate the review. If you're really interested, I have posted the second chapter. You might enjoy seeing what happens along the line, but the one thing that certainly does NOT happen is a love triangle. :P



*gestures in butterfly meme*
— BluesClues