What happened,
It wondered,
Gasping for breath.
Dazed,
Challenged,
Facing it's death.
-
A moment ago,
Beneath the waves,
It watched and pined,
Wondered,
Coveted,
The sunshine.
-
But now the rays,
Hot on it's back,
Sapped its will.
Dry,
Clammy,
Aiming to kill.
-
If it had but stayed,
Down in its home,
Amongst the reeds.
Alas,
Not so,
The birds would feed.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Clever piece! enjoyed your work!! continue with more!!(: fantastic job(:
You like to get chocolate high? Me to.
My friends of course do everything to prevent this, but I get around them. *grins*.
They know that I'm in a danger zone when I start to squeak laugh. Then they need to do whatever it takes to get the chocolate or sugar away from me.
But hey, I personally think that some of our best works were written at either our most random, high moments. Or, alternatively, at the moments that we are the most vulnerable and broken. That is when some of my best works come out. I was on sugar when I came up with my NaNo project, and I am finally editing and posting the chapters.
In conclusion of the past few sections, I expect that this is going to be good.
Soooo.....are you talking about a fish? Because that is the impression that I got from this (I totally went to Wendy's today and had a Frosty, sorry if I'm a spaz).
I just think that this is really cool. Your imagery, the way that you use the English language to describe things, is absolutely amazing, and a very good quality to have in a writer. The writers without imagery are the ones who end up writing the textbooks.
I really like the way that you positioned it, because it's not something that I typically see. There are people who center their poems, and then there are people who don't. To me, I really appreciate those who do, because it tells me that they want to set themselves apart and do something different from the norm.
The rhythm and the way that you split the stanzas does really well with the work. Sometimes I see people who didn't pay attention to the rhythm and how it affected their stanzas (I've even done it) and it just really messes me up when I go to read and review.
In conclusion of this piece of praise, you are clearly a good writer, and I enjoyed reading this work. Thanks for posting it!
~Teen~
Yes, this is about a fish. I didn't want to make it blatantly obvious, but I'm glad to see that someone else actually understands it and I'm not just writing weird random things that make no sense. Thanks for the review!
I came in to read this poem -read the title, pondered whether or not it would be worth it, and decided that I might as well- and I was totally knocked off of my feet. I didn't expect a poem like this and I didn't expect to be entertained like I was. Entertainment is one of the greatest feelings that I know of, so thank you for this wonderful poem!
The only nitpick that I have for you is to replace the comma in the very first line with a question mark. Perhaps change it to a quote.
Anyway, thank you for this wonderful poem, and thank you for keeping me entertained.
helloooo
let me say that this is a very interesting poem that i enjoyed reading .
i liked the idea of the poem , the title and the words are simple but meaningful and expressive .
"Facing it's death....Hot on it's back" i think it should be its .
i realy liked the end *MY FAV PART*
keep writing
smile