Rescuing Souls...

Hi there! This was certainly an interesting read. I'm all for writing that takes a look at the harshness of reality. It did feel a bit preach-y, which I am fundamentally against in poetry, but at the same time, it wasn't bad. While extremely direct in your ideas, it felt more like a battle cry than anything. A call for societal reform, phrased in a poetic way.

I am all for the repetition in this poem. Repetition and I are best friends. Love it.

"Lost hopes, lost dreams and lost us!" I really enjoyed this line, particularly as part of the introductory verse. It was a good segway into your other ideas.

Most of my comments are format and structure. I am not a big fan of how this entire poem is in bold. It's very distracting!

"Lost into the shadows of darkness- / Soon to be taken up by the darkness," - I am all for repetition but I would suggest finding a synonym for darkness for the second line.

"Silenced souls- / That were betrayed by its very own kind;" - For these two lines and the next two, I would suggest deciding between a dash or the words "that were." Using both reads very awkwardly. I would suggest just using the dash/abrupt ending, because personally I think that sounds better: "Silenced souls - / betrayed by its very own kind" and "Silenced lips - taped shut".

"For unity is what binds us all, /And unity is all / That lies behind their fall!" - The rhyming here disrupts the flow of the poem entirely. I would suggest staying away from rhyming at all in this poem, to maintain the seriousness of it. Unless done very carefully, rhyming often feels like a juvenile thing to do.

I don't want to nitpick too much because I feel like you have a lot of potential. I do feel like, however, you need to work on the structural strength of your poetry. It's fine to have your own style, and that includes ignoring grammatical conventions if you'd like, but I think you need to think over your choices a little more as you develop your poetic style. I would recommend reading your poetry out loud to yourself to find out how it would read to others. Listen to the pauses. Are they were they should be? Think about your punctuation - is any of it extraneous, like all the dashes?

Good on you for taking on a heavy subject. I did enjoy reading this, and would love to read more from you as you write more!

Cheers.

-Cairo

Hello, Abhi...

It's a grea poem. I like it. It has a good meaning....One sight of reality, our well known reality, is being reflected here.

But there are some things that I didn't like though...

" Lost in the shadows of darkness
Soon to be taken up by the darkness"

Using the same word at the end of the lines so that they rhyme is something that I myself don't do and approve of.

" It could erode their very roots of existence"

This line is good....but it looked a bit long to me.....I would prefer to shorten it a little by editing.....but it's alright if you like it this way.....it's just my thought and nothing else...

In the whole poem, I read some lines which sounded "mature" and "deep" and again read some lines which seemed a little bit "childish" to me....

And, I wanted more cus the theme is a very deep one...

Anyway, enjoyed and liked....