A Blended Emotion!
She lay restless-
In the very place she loved…
With the very people she longed for.
Her laughs, her tears,
Her joys, her anxieties,
Her successes, her failures,
Her stepping stones, her disappointments;
Everything being embarked here-
Her lovely home
She was there….
She was there….
In her city of joy.
The blanket of happiness
Wrapped her in its warmest sheath;
But the absence she could feel deep down
Also wrecked her:
Somewhere, somehow.
As he was away-
At his home with his loved ones.
Her mind wandered off
To the near past, the near future,
Off to the time –
she strolls around,
Just to be with him;
Off to the times –
filled with his gentle caresses
on her face;
Off to the midnight chats-
Fulfilling the emotional longings
For each other!!
They still have the bond…
They still have the talks…
Just the distance…
Marks his absence, somewhere!!
She misses him!!
She misses him!!
She misses him!!
Deep down…
She embraced those caresses, those kisses;
A sea of emotions:
Happiness sprinkled with loneliness;
Fulfillment freckled with his absence;
And love coiled with helplessness;
Overcast her restless soul.
No, she cannot unveil it…
For she knows no words to do so…
No one can ever understand…
She hushes it!!
She hides it!!
And she locks it up;
Within her, deep inside-
Where no one can ever find;
And no one can ever fiddle with
The bond they mutually share.
For he is hers to love and
For she is his to be loved!!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Just a few pointers from a girl who knows very little about poetry but enjoys the read.
I enjoyed this poem overall but just feel it could be improved with a few amendments.
"But the absence she could feel deep down
Also wrecked her" I believe the use of the word "also" weakens the statement.it's more dramatic without it.
I understand repetition adds to the urgency and drama within the poem but when overused it no longer highlights whats important.
they still have the talks sounds a bit out of place. If it makes sense to you and it's a poem just for self-expression its fine but if it's for others perhaps you should rephrase this.
"a love coiled with helplessness" sounds weird and seems uneven yet it makes sense and its real I liked this.
The uneven stanzas bothered me slightly but thats just me.
I liked the authenticity of this poem. Good job keep at it x
Just a few pointers from a girl who knows very little about poetry but enjoys the read.
I enjoyed this poem overall but just feel it could be improved with a few amendments.
"But the absence she could feel deep down
Also wrecked her" I believe the use of the word "also" weakens the statement.it's more dramatic without it.
I understand repetition adds to the urgency and drama within the poem but when overused it no longer highlights whats important.
they still have the talks sounds a bit out of place. If it makes sense to you and it's a poem just for self-expression its fine but if it's for others perhaps you should rephrase this.
"a love coiled with helplessness" sounds weird and seems uneven yet it makes sense and its real I liked this.
The uneven stanzas bothered me slightly but thats just me.
I liked the authenticity of this poem. Good job keep at it x
thank you..and yeah..will try to keep up with your suggestions..
I wish I could give this like ten likes. It's beautiful. Great writing, and enjoy the holidays!
Sarah12
thank you!!
I like the topic! I think you could perhaps be a little less heavy-handed in its treatment, though. You know how they say "Show, don't tell"? This could use a bit more show and less tell. For example, rather than tell us its about mixed emotions in the title, you could let us (the readers) figure it out for ourselves. I like the bits about midnight chats and strolls -- concrete details about that allow me to picture their relationship. More of that, please! In contrast, words like "joy" and "happiness" are abstractions that don't conjure up much. I bet you have more details than you're revealing here; tell us some of those stories. The midnight chats -- are those by text? Does she wait impatiently for the buzz of her phone? Or does she have to hide in the freezing cold garage to talk to him so her family won't wake up?
Good start! Keep writing!
-BFG
thank you for the encouragement and yeah i will sure come up with the detailed version soon...