Ephemeral dreams, that which comes about in timeless space and leads on into the chaos spinning patterns into the dark. How you control me, how you bring forth my passion and entice my imagination to take the reins. The ultimate mediation of self as if you could see without eyes to see, yet even then when the dreams do end, Sleep comes with meditation and it is a fulcrum to my being, centering me into myself as if all things did not exist. And in that way my dreams breed forth union from these thoughts into internal slumbers where I live until I wake. What to do in what could only be described as unreality, when even scientifically, mathematically, there are imaginary spaces that govern space. Tell me in this eternity, is it dualism, is it duality? Why do the timeless plains scream out at me from my grey sphere "You do not have to choose," could I take this with me, into every spectrum of the wheel until there are no edges left and finally figure it out?
How can a two dimensional being comprehend the third, even if someone explained it. I am here, I am thinking, dreaming, of both, of all three, of the here and now and what will be as well as what has been. Color, reality, chaos, unity, combined and separated at the same time perhaps by time so that I may individually see them all. Is that how I do it, live inside a dream? Guide me through my human eyes past my humanity, yet even then I'll still need it in order to believe, because I feel it in my soul that I refuse to leave out anything, to cheat. Moderation in everything, including itself because that way, again! We have both. I see so many two's and then think of three's, and as a great thinker I then perceive how many numbers must stretch on and change from there. Time is a plaything, how it tumbles in the mind, what proof without it, that we have existed, yet with it is our ending. Is it any better to have neither a begging or an ending, as a fact of the universe, then to exist and therefore end? It seems to me my greatest ability is change, how hard and yet easy it can be, because of this flawed humanity.
Regardless I have seen from plays read and things seen how lady fortune, or known by other names, does lead us into our lives. As Hamlet once pondered, but to die! If we are to be spent as changelings born of chaos to convert it to unity then what slaves we'd be. Recycle it again, when they grow too tired. Then again the mind strives toward the positive, and I realize there is another gift I hold. Hope. The tool of the used? Or something more, if so then what is love, the base unit of us, the building block from which we must ever grow? And so on! Never ending my dreams mock me with eternity. If it were indeed that we are so, a question strikes me. Is it worth it? Are a million wars worth peace? We cannot have only unity or only chaos, or become stuck in between. Having never existed before, could the thing we're striving for be worth the end that we cannot yet see? Again! How perfect a tool for this hope will be. Can I rather decide that it is what I want, to take the tools given me and seek out this unreality, thus eliminating my slavery? Or have I, like Eve, bitten the fruit that will bring down travesty, flown too close to the sun like Icarus? Should I embrace my dreams? Incalculable thoughts that flow like water and become self aware enough to realize that they do. Why am I not spherical to embrace all odds? Why do I think from a base, and end at a peak? I circle around, I explore, but it is not readily within me to see it all at once. I do not want acceptance, I do wish to refuse, rather search for that other illusive thing, that something new. Strive, strive! Burn and shine little star until you go out, "It's beautiful," I cry! Going, always going... is that why we must die? I burn to strong to survive?
Relax, the world tells me, be smart, be wise, don't take upon yourself what you cannot do, you won't survive. Isn't that what humans do? Either, or, they both fit and I acknowledge how limited I am. Where are you duality? Dualism? That you would bind it and comprehension hand in hand? Is that what crazy is, is that how chaos is created? When I equal out two opposites? Then if I push them together in union, without their destruction... What am I making? A fabrical tare in this dimension? Dimensions! Perhaps thought is another kind of those, and thus I can think of them. I don't understand, how I can think what I can, and still be so ignorant. Yet I understand. Duality, dualism, both again. Those two laugh at me. Here, have dreams they say, plenty of dreams, but take life seriously, you must understand. If I could retain myself now and see numbers up at a time, and also down, then every direction like the spherical thoughts I wish I thought. (If the thought was spherical, could it even stop growing? Would be another universe in itself, laws governed by how it was thought, and disrupted by what was not?) Then I added to myself that oblivion of sleep I rest in, and I get the number three. So close! If I could only stop circling the issue and understand. Perhaps I'll dream another thousand years... again.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,736 Reviews
Well, I expected another shoddy love story, but I got something at least a little more interesting.
I feel like this deserves eight or ten reads, the sort of thing that only punches you at three AM in the morning when your mental barriers crash and burn and all you're left with are your hollow emotions and your thoughts. However, I think you could use this opportunity to let your three AM philosophical ponderings to something easier to digest for other readers.
For one, I think that you're making your walls of texts way too difficult to read. If someone were to read it aloud, they'd either sound like a madman or Eminem on crack. I think the structure of a paragraph necessitates that it can only hold a certain amount of strength in the sentences, AKA one paragraph can only be so emotional. Thus, if you leave it in big boxes like the above, you're left with supposedly strong sentiments that overwhelm the reader and forces them to either ignore or dim the sentiments. That's not what's supposed to happen! Your sentiments are strong and wonderful, and I'd love to see them restructured.
Another thing is your allusions. Don't get me wrong. I love allusions. I love works that reference something else. But, like all good things, it can be abused, and you're coming close to it. Take out some you don't think are necessary, and leave the ones you really like be. Most of them I liked, but I just thought it left the work going everywhere.
Other than that, though, I genuinely liked this. Good job.
Signing out--EM.
Hello there, 7whitewolf7!
Alright. This is rather long, and as the person below me mentioned, rather like poetry. However, you've only separated this into four giant paragraphs, which is hard on the reader in most cases. If you can find natural breaks, I encourage you to split this into smaller and more manageable sections.
I also feel that this is rather convoluted and hard to understand. I like the language you're using, more old fashioned and talking about duality and chaos, but the way it's written itself is chaotic. Unless you mean for it to be that way, to match with what you're trying to say, I think that you should try to make things clearer for the reader. Definitely keep your older words and such in there, but make sure you state your thoughts fairly clearly. Ask yourself, "What is my goal with this? What emotion or thought am I trying to convey?" The reader can't understand it if you yourself don't know what you're writing or why. Going off on tangents sometimes is okay, but always draw yourself back to your main point. Also, you should just check to make sure you aren't contradicting yourself, or if you are, you have a good reason for it. I think that dividing these into smaller paragraphs would also help in terms of clarification.
Other than these larger issues, you don't have too many spelling/grammar issues that I can see. I think that if you varied the punctuation a bit, it could work nicely in this piece. I know it's probably not the first thing on your mind; I struggle with diverse punctuation, but it can really change the poem or lyrical work you're writing.
Hmm, this didn't make much sense. Imaginary spaces governing space...? See if you can find another word that works better here to show what you're trying to convey. Using space twice so closely was a bit redundant, and I'm not sure how it can rule over itself.
That pretty much all I have to say about this. You're free to take or ignore these suggestions as you'd like, of course, but I hoped this helped. I can't catch everything, so even if you want to keep it as is, you should probably reread for any minor errors anyway.
-Falco
No one can deny your passion but with your lyrical verse, it reads more like poetry. You need to make it easier on the reader if you want to write a short story. Just some advice. Unless it's an epic try to make it more like everyday thought.