Poem - Is It You
In my head,
Long ago as I slept,
Dreaming of the childhood house,
Where all my toys were always kept.
It was my aunt's house,
However in this dream I played,
Yet again like a child despite my age,
When the sudden urge to look up roused.
Then the happiest moment I’ve ever had,
When I saw someone down the hall.
The hope and ultimately joy,
I had was not all.
Those were emotions, positive and strong,
That indefensible force of attraction,
Had me leap into your arms,
As a natural reaction.
I ran as fast as I could,
And you swung me around,
In a circle so that all I saw was you,
Until finally you put me back on the ground.
I knew no other reality,
In that fragment of a theme,
It was clear and true simplicity,
Meeting you like that within a dream.
Then contrarily as if it were mere fantasy,
I woke up but could not remember,
What features you had worn,
Clothes you adorned.
I had the idea then, to find you another way
I remembered quite well that feeling
Of nothing but pure happiness
For another human being
So imagine my surprise then at long last,
To remember now, what’s passed,
As being met despite the task,
Do I even bother to ask?
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I think this poem shows a little bit of you. The reader immediately wants to ask questions: Who is the person you're talking about? Why are you so happy to see them? I think it could be slightly better organized, but still is a very good poem!
I think this poem shows a little bit of you. The reader immediately wants to ask questions: Who is the person you're talking about? Why are you so happy to see them? I think it could be slightly better organized, but still is a very good poem!
Heyo, whitewolf, I'm here to review your poem. Welcome to YWS, by the way. It's nice to see new faces around.
All right so what we've got here is a narrative poem more than anything else. It's telling the story of a dream that the speaker had about meeting someone in a dream. Great. And you've got a start with a childlike setting in the beginning.
I want to say more good things, but there are some items that need addressing in this piece. First of all, it's hard to read all in one big block. Break it into stanzas.
Also, the meaning of some of the lines were skewed (and the meter, too) because you put a comma at the end of almost every line. There doesn't have to be a comma at the end of every line. Try punctuating this poem as if it was prose. You also have some grammar issues like using the wrong word in spots and fragments that don't make sense to have there. Later, I'll go through and highlight some of these grammar errors.
Another thing you should look at is using your five senses to describe the scene. While we have the nostalgia of playing with toys, we don't know what toys, or even what the feeling of the room is. I could see this being a big sunlit attic room with all the windows open and the walls painted yellow. Or maybe it's a prim and proper parlor where only a few toys are allowed out of the box at once. What does the speaker see, hear, feel, taste, and smell? Take us into the moment rather than just telling us what happened.
Your phrasing is odd sometimes, and I suspect that it's because you had to switch words around for the rhyme scheme, or you were trying to sound fancy. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme or sound fancy. I suggest looking over your phrasing and see if you would actually say things that way in real life. Make it more natural and I will feel more for the speaker.
Now for the nitpicks.
This is a fragment. It doesn't have a verb in it. You can change "Long ago as I slept" to "Long ago, I slept." That would fix it. As it is, it sounds unnatural, and it's the opener to your piece. You don't want to start out awkwardly.
This line is awkward and in need of rewriting.
If something is adorning something, it is decorating it. So what you said was "the clothes you decorated." I don't think that's what you're going for. Find something else there.
Take out ultimately, for starters. If you're feeling more bold, take out "hope and" and bring the two lines together into one line. It's super awkward right now.
The last thing I'll talk about is line breaks. You usually want to break the line at the end of a phrase. If you don't, that's called enjambment, and it works pretty well sometimes to convey a certain feeling, but I don't think it's working here. You break several lines in strange places, and it's throwing off the flow of the whole piece. Make sure you're making sense with your breaks.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing.
Hello! My name is Rachel, but most people call me Mad.
I write novel and such so maybe I can help you with my experience with that!
I'm sorry if I offended you in anyway or upset you. If you have any more questions please feel free to PM me.
I'm here to review your poem~ I'm new to poetry but I'm hoping I can be of help
But before I start: Sorry if you disagree with something that I say, you can ignore this review if you desire to do so.
"When the sudden urge to look up roused.
Then the happiest moment I’ve ever had,
When I saw someone down the hall.
The hope and ultimately joy,
I had was not all."
These few lines sound a little weird. A first the poem flowed extremely well but then the rhymes got a little... choppy. I can't seem to find what 'had' rhymes with, which was seems to be what ruins the flow. For the rest of the poem the flow seemed to be choppy. When I first started reading your poem I could see the rhymes but later in the poem I found that I couldn't.
I love the story of the poem. I got a very nostalgic feeling, which is something that I adore (I write like this a lot of the time). Here is what I got: The narrator/main character was having a dream. She was at her aunt's house back when she was little and was playing. Then she saw a figure from above (which I assume means like the railing of the second floor of a house). She ran to him and he spun her around. Then she woke up and remembered what how happy she once was.
Your grammar seemed to be fine. I'm not very good at grammar in novels so I assume I must be horrible at poetry grammar.
I hope you found my review helpful
I really enjoyed your poem! Never, ever stop writing,
Rachel