![Cover art for The Sticks [Chapter Three] - REVISED](https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/images/coverart/gallery/612911785414897.jpg)
3. Present Day
The police station was quiet, which I thought was strange for a Saturday night - especially in this town. All the cells were empty, and there were a few young PCs around who’d obviously been lumbered with night duty by unsympathetic colleagues. They’d left me unattended in an interview room, four grey walls that still felt more inviting than the prospect of going home. I guessed I must not have seemed like a significant risk to them. To pass the time, I tried to count each brick in the wall opposite me, but I kept losing track. So I gave up, now bored out of my mind, and tired. My fists were so bruised, and the skin around my knuckles was raw and bloody. Pain shot through the raised blue veins as I stretched my fingers out in front of me, watching the now dried blood crack as I curled my hand back into a fist.
The door opened, and one of the police officers who’d responded to the call William made walked in. I supposed I’d have to forgive William for that; he was only doing his job. She had a black eye, the eyelid so swollen that only a sliver of a pupil could be seen, glinting beneath the dim lights above our heads.
“You put up quite a fight,” She laughed, gesturing to her eye. I didn’t. “No one wants to press charges or anything, the bartender told us about your girlfriend.”
“Oh, I’m sure he did.”
The officer smiled weakly as she sat down opposite me. “You’re free to go, we’re arranging for someone to drop you home, but we just need your address.” She had an accent, somewhere up north, I guessed. And she was young. Probably my age, and yet she already had a career, a living. Moved halfway across this forsaken country to get on with her life, a commendable act. Maybe she felt good, thinking that she was protecting the people she walked past in the streets each day. Maybe it gave her a purpose. What did I have? A huge student loan debt, a dead girlfriend, and a dead mother.
“I haven’t got one,” I really did not want to go back there. She gave me an exhausted look, her eyes begging me to just tell her my address, so she could finish her shift and go home. “I’ll walk. Don’t go wasting your resources on me. I know you’re all stretched for time and money.”
She chuckled. “It’s fine - you’re drunk, and we’d just like to know that you got home safely.”
“Incase I get jumped again?” She didn’t answer me, and then looked away when I raised my gaze to meet hers. She knew what happened to Starry: everyone did. There was no way they couldn’t - I’d made sure it stayed in the news for as long as it did. And everyone also knew how badly the police had fucked up the following investigation. I could see it in her face - guilt.
“Flat 12, Rickside Court.” I sighed, pushing down on one of the newly formed bruises that had bloomed on my hand. My voice no longer sounded like mine; it was hoarse, rough, raspy. Like I’d smoked a pack a day for years. But I’d never smoked, because Starry made me promise never to. Maybe tonight was the night to start. It’s not like she’d know I’d broken the promise. I knew I never would, though.
“It seems like I’m always giving someone a lift back to Rickside.” I’m sure she didn’t mean it as a jab, but it felt like one. “The kids around there cause a lot of trouble.”
Although she was right, I still felt the need to defend the kids. “It’s not like it’s their fault though. Youth services are incredibly underfunded.” Maybe it wasn’t a bright idea to talk politics whilst drunk, because what came out of my mouth next was a string of expletives ending in “Fuck the tories.”
“I didn’t mean to offend you, I was just saying-” She began, but I waved my hand in a dismissive manner.
“Just take me home, my headache is getting worse every time you speak.”
The police car drifted through the dark streets, the continuous stream of terraced housing only ever broken by the sights of teenagers on bikes drinking cans of cheap beer. They were cycling round dirty corners, grinning ear to ear like life was all one big joke. Maybe it was, and I just didn’t have the right sense of humour to understand it. It seemed like one big tragedy to me. Empty plastic bags flew into the air as the car swerved to avoid a pile of junk someone had dumped in the middle of the road. It floated back down into the gutters, slowly.
I had been silent for most of the ride, as had the female officer and the older male PC who was driving the car. He glanced at me in the rearview mirror, as though trying to work out where he knew me from.
“Didn’t you apply to join the police force last year?” He asked at last.
“Maybe.” I didn’t want to talk about it, but he insisted.
“No, you did, didn’t you? Pulled out last minute. I remember, ‘cos we all thought you’d have been a great asset to the team. You were really enthusiastic about it. Why didn’t you go through with it?”
“My girlfriend didn’t think it was the right choice for me.” I unbuckled my seatbelt as soon as we pulled into the carpark that sat beside the concrete block that was Rickside Court. As I stumbled out of the car door, I could feel the eyes of a hundred judging neighbours as they peered out from behind their cheap net curtains. I bet they just loved the sight of this, me being delivered home in a police car. Not that it was a rare sight around there anyway, but people liked to gossip, with their drugstore lipstick covered mouths that hid yellowed teeth.
The female officer walked me right to my front door, despite my constant pleas for her to just leave me alone, that I was fine. She clung to the railings as we climbed the stairs, like they were about to disappear beneath her feet, her shoes squeaking against the floor as we reached the top. My flat was only on the first floor, but the stairs seemed to go on forever, winding round and round and round like some new stage of hell in Dante’s Inferno. Trapped for eternity unless you get over that death, the one you can never get over without dying yourself.
“It’s my job,” She said as I slotted the key into the rusted lock and twisted it. “to make sure that the people in this town are safe.”
I scoffed. “And I’ll magically be safe behind this door here?”
The door opened with a little force from my right shoulder to reveal my mess of a flat. Cups and plates smashed all over the floor, shattered glass from photo frames littering every surface, mould growing in the corners of the walls. I heard her sigh, but she didn’t say anything. I guessed her job didn’t extend into the homes of those she claimed to protect.
“Thank you for the ride, officer.” I saluted with two fingers. “Definitely a five star experience, would ride again.”
I slammed the door in her face, locking it behind me. She stayed put for a few moments, her hand lingering in the air as she wondered whether to knock and tell me something else. Ultimately, she decided against it, and I heard the squeaking of her shoes gradually growing quieter and quieter until she’d left the building all together.
It was colder inside than out, but I didn’t put the heating on, or make myself a cup of tea. I simply slid down the back of the door and put my head between my knees with my eyes closed tight. I didn’t dare take another look round the flat, it was too painful. Full of memories. The good ones were strangling me, too powerful to forget. All the bad ones simply hid away, beneath the sofa, under the bed, behind the old bruises and scars she’d left me with.
And then I thought of the last night I saw her. It replayed over and over in my mind until I fell asleep, curled up in a ball under the letterbox.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Sticks [Chapter Four] - REVISEDPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,919 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
Hey Green!
Hope you're doing well today/tonight. I'm here to drop off a review for you! Excited to start this chapter~
Honey, I'm sure Starry wouldn't have liked your behaviour with the police officer. Mk? So, listen to me, and just go home. It's for your own good. <3
This sentence was a bit weird to read. Maybe if you had "slowly" as the second words so that it would be more like this: It slowly floated back down into the gutters.
Man, your imagery is frickin' awesome, I swear. I'd kill to have imagery like this.
Oh my god, Castle, you are are hilariously rude! xD
...How...did Castle know that the officer was still there? Didn't she just slam the door in her face (lol). Also, imagery is top-notch.
Anyways! Great chapter! I wanna know what past memory we're gunna read about now. Castle's personality has stayed the same throughout the chapter, which I sometimes have a problem with, and it didn't at all seem like her mind shifted even a teensy bit away from Starry's death which is so sad. =( I really hope we get to learn about how Starry died!! The suspense is killing me!!
I really enjoyed reading this! I'll most likely get to the next chapter soon. Hopefully this review was helpful, and I shall shimmy away now~
Keep on writing!
~Hedwiggle Potter
Thank you so much
Interesting new chapter. You get to see more of Castle's cranky-ness. She's so rude.
Here's my review:
You're taken back to the present, and Castle seems to lead a miserable life. I found it slightly strange that they just let her out though. I mean, she attacked a police officer, right? (I'm assuming that from the black eye). I'm pretty sure that that's a crime that gets you jail time. Correct me please if I'm wrong. That was the only possible plot-hole that I found, and it's easily fixed. All you have to do is remove the part about the black eye.
"They’d left me unattended in an interview room, four grey walls that still felt more inviting than the prospect of going home."
You committed a grammar mistake here. "room" should have "with", or at least something like that, after the comma.
"She had a black eye, the eyelid so swollen that only a sliver of a pupil could be seen, glinting beneath the dim lights above our heads."
the same grammar mistake again. You need the word "with" after "eye". Though, I suppose, the other thing you could do would be to write: "She had a black eye. The eyelid was so swollen..."
You made this grammar mistake several other times throughout, so look out for it when you write.
"“Thank you for the ride, officer.” I saluted with two fingers. “Definitely a five star experience, would ride again.”
I slammed the door in her face, locking it behind me"
Here's a big example of Castle being extremely rude. It's great.
Anyway, this chapter was interesting to read, and your description was quite good.
Well, that's my review! I hope it was helpful.
The thing about not being arrested was because this is from her point of view and she's an unreliable narrator. She doesn't explain what happens, as although it's insinuated she attack the police it was actually just an accident when she was trying to get away from them, she accidently elbowed them. I hope that clears it up.
Also, the grammar mistakes you highlighted aren't actually mistakes! The comma acts as a bridge between two clauses, the independent clause can make sense on its own but the dependent clause cannot, which is why there is a comma. It's just an alternative way of saying 'and'. I hope that helps you, as I know clauses can be really tricky to get to grips with, I know that myself!
In my grammar textbook, it said a common mistake people do is just use commas to connect clauses, which, you do need a comma, but you also need something like "that." It's called the dependent marker word. Here's an article: https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writ ... index.html
The first grammar mistake I pointed out needs the word "with" because "(with) four grey walls" is an adjective phrase, not a clause. Then it's followed by your clause, with "that" as the dependent marker word.
My second grammar mistake I pointed out is slightly different. you forgot the predicate! Without the predicate, it's a phrase, not a clause. And, since it's a phrase, you need a word like "with". Unless, of course, you add the predicate, which would then turn it into a dependent clause and you wouldn't need "with."
EDIT: adding the predicate would turn it into an independent clause, not a dependent clause.
I have just asked a teacher at my college, and she said that the eyelid sentence does make sense - also checked the piece with Grammarly. Adding in the words you suggested would make the sentence clunky and it wouldn't flow as well. It really doesn't sound right when I add in the extra words.
Oh. I suppose I'm wrong then...
You're not wrong about the grammar rule in general! You've actually explained it to me in a way that now I actually understand it! You're actually completely right, it's just the structure of that specific sentence makes sense without adding in a predicate.
Thank you for pointing them out though, as no I've learnt more about grammar.
Sometimes with writing, though grammar is important, there are certain rules that slip through the cracks and are not as important and sometimes you can sacrifice them in order to make your writing sound how you want it!
It's fine to sometimes not adhere exactly to the rules of grammar??? O_O I learned something today too, then.
Honestly, I would say yeah! Because if you are constantly worrying about grammar then your writing is going to suffer as it wont flow due to you constantly thinking of the grammar. Just write whatever feels right or good! Obviously, most grammar rules are really important otherwise nothing would make sense aha. But I absolutely hate thinking of grammar, it puts me off writing and especially the way they teach it in schools make English and writing unbearable for children. They don't want to write because they hate checking grammar. My mum is an author and teaches creative writing to primary school children and she CONSTANTLY has to tell them to just write and think about editing afterwards!
This was a grim chapter. Castle's pain is really evident - she's grouchy and angry and sad and bitter - and I'm really enjoying seeing that through her actions and dialogue. I feel bad for her
I'm gonna take a guess and say she's going to try and do what William suggested and switch up her life completely or do something in honor of Starry. I guess I'll see!!
Here I go, digging in again...
So, I don't know about this chapter. It's a little tough to review, just by virtue of it being so short and not really getting much new information out of it. The criticism I had for the last two chapters still applies: the first sentence/paragraph weren't very compelling; Castle's a joyless jerk (she seemed even worse this installment?) and kind of a boring protagonist; there wasn't really a sense that the chapter was building toward anything, which means that I wasn't motivated to keep reading. (Obviously I did keep reading, but only because I'm reviewing this series. If I didn't have that obligation, I don't know if I would have even made it to chapter three.)
I get that this is a character-driven work without a lot of plot, and I don't mind that—believe it or not, I actually love character-driven stories. But the characters need to be compelling, first of all, and second, there still needs to be some semblance of a plot: conflict, action, whatever else. You're missing that in these chapters. I mean, there's a little bit of conflict, but it's mostly internal—which isn't a bad thing, but internal conflicts really only work if they're well-executed, and Castle's... isn't? At least not yet. Her struggle—everything regarding Starry and Starry's death—is riddled with clichés, emotion that too often feels like melodramatic posturing more than genuine anguish, and neither she nor Starry is fleshed out enough to make me care. Then there's the action of your chapters, which is often underwritten (like the scene with the boys in the last chapter) or absent entirely (like this chapter, where nothing really happens). Castle would have to be a really, REALLY great character to get away with this little plot, and she just isn't.
I'm also a little bit concerned about Starry's characterization. Don't get me wrong, the last paragraph about her was cute, but it also kind of makes her sound like a Manic Pixie Dream Girl (Google it if you're unfamiliar with the term). I actually don't hate that trope, but it's the last thing this story—which is already filled with tropes—needs. Give me a love interest who is actually a person in her own right, who is flawed and complicated, who does not just exist to be adorable and awesome and an object of fixation.
You also continue to tell more than show in this chapter. It's a really bad habit you should try to break. Don't rely so much on Castle's inner monologue—that's not where we should be learning all of her traits. We should be seeing them in action. On a related note, you're not trusting your readers enough. You continually have Castle narrate to us what she's thinking or feeling when that information is obvious through her actions. Don't do that. Show, don't tell—and, if you've already shown, don't reiterate.
The previous reviewer already mentioned this, but I'll second it: be careful with long sentences and sentence structure. I don't mind long sentences at all (you may've noticed I tend to favor them), but they need to flow well and be arranged in a logical way. There's also a difference between long sentences and run-ons. And, furthermore, you should strive to mix it up. Vary your sentence length: have some short ones and long ones. Your writing will be better for it.
As for what I liked, it was nice to see Castle interacting with the police officer. Like with William in the first chapter, I found their dynamic intriguing and it would've been nice to get more of it. (Honestly, I could've done with 40% less of Castle's inner monologue and, like, 20% more of her exchange with the officer.) We get the most genuine sense of Castle's personality when she's talking to other people, so I hope to see extended dialogue from her in upcoming chapters. When you step away from Castle's over-the-top narration, the story's at its strongest.
Anyway, time for some comments...
Ughhhhh. This is so heavy-handed and emo, I just about cringed out of my skin. DELETE.
This should be streamlined and rearranged so it flows better.
We just saw that scene play out, we know what happened. Don't reiterate the reason—it cheapens the moment and takes away from the subtext.
This is long and, again, structured badly.
Obvious information is obvious. Castle doesn't need to tell the reader this.
This should be broken up into two sentences. Try: "My fists were so bruised, the skin around my knuckles raw and bloody. Pain shot through the raised blue veins as I stretched my fingers out in front of me."
Strike the "much" and stick the "so" in front of "swollen."
Lose the hyphen.
Change "you" to "she." It's too jarring to throw in a taste of second-person this late in the game.
Show, don't tell.
You know that John Mulaney bit about the guy who lists off all the shocking, terrible things going on in his life but then ends with the ultimate anticlimax of "...I'm new in town"? This is like that. Why end with a broken guitar after mentioning, in the same breath, a dead mom/girlfriend and "huge" student loan debt? You had me at death, don't keep going.
(Yeah, yeah, I know the guitar is probably going to be significant later. It still doesn't work here.)
Castle really, really doesn't need to list this stuff. Again: show, don't tell. Also, "sleeping with the worms" is such an awkward turn of phrase, and does anyone even listen to CDs anymore? What year is this taking place in, 1998?
Change that comma to a period. Also, ugh, I hate that line about the flat. It just feels so predictable. Like, OF COURSE Castle would say that. The whole moody, nothing-is-right-in-my-world shtick is already getting tired and I'm only on chapter three.
I know you said in your response to my previous review that this is a deliberate choice, making Castle such a bummer, and I respect that. HOWEVER, even super moody, angsty protagonists still need to modulate. You can't keep hitting the same notes over and over and expect to hold your reader's interest. You need to give Castle nuance and multiple dimensions—no real-life person is limited to one defining character trait, so your characters shouldn't be, either. I get it: Castle's a buzzkill. I got that from chapter one. Show me something new about her, make her seem like an actual person. Give me reason to care.
First of all, "normal societal norms" is redundant. Second of all: what? This police officer—a woman who upholds the rules of society and is thus very much entrenched in "societal norms"—laughs like a wild, untamable cat? That... doesn't work? Or are you saying Starry had that laugh and the police officer's laugh just reminds Castle of it? Either way, this analogy is not good.
"In case" is two words.
Incorrect semicolon.
"Couldn't/could" is repetitive.
Overwrought. (Also: there should be an apostrophe in "survivors.")
Change the semicolon to a colon.
"Never" is repetitive.
WE GET IT: STARRY IS DEAD. Stop reminding us.
Blech. Back to melodrama, I see. And this line is not only cheesy, it's also completely unnecessary? By having Castle talk about not smoking (in addition to EVERYTHING that happened in chapter one), we can see she's still affected by Starry. To stick this sentence at the end of that tangent is redundant, not to mention a little patronizing toward the reader. (Also: "beyond the grave" would work much better than "beyond this life.")
Run-on sentence.
NO. Castle's inner monologue is just insufferable this chapter. These heavy-handed, portentous comparisons are such a mood-killer.
I like the imagery here but "lipstick/lips" sounds a bit repetitive. Try to find a way to say this without that repetition.
"Inferno" should be italicized.
Should be formatted as follows: “It’s my job,” she said as I slotted the key into the rusted lock and twisted it, “to make sure that the people in this town are safe.”
Of course Castle's flat looks like this. Of course it does. Color me (not) surprised!
Just say "it was colder inside than out."
"Altogether" is one word.
Change the semicolon to a colon.
"Movement/moved" is repetitive.
Either remove a dot or add one more.
Okay, so this was... something. Not the strongest chapter by any stretch. This one needs quite a bit of editing/rewriting to make it work. The first thing I'd cut would be a lot of Castle's inner monologue, particularly some of the more ridiculous bits I quoted above. The telling-rather-than-showing and redundancies really need to go. Definitely work on those habits when writing future entries—they're putting a damper on this story, for sure. I think Castle's narration was the weakest link in this chapter. If you can fix that, this installment would be exponentially improved. So, the good news: it is salvageable, though it would take some effort on your part. Don't be afraid to kill your darlings, though. You might be attached to Castle's narration, but trust me when I say the story would be better off without most of it.
I know it might seem like I'm getting progressively more harsh with each chapter, but that's just because, as these problems keep coming up, they're getting more noticeable and harder to overlook. Plus, by this point in the story, it should be settling into its groove and improving, and if it isn't, I have to address that. I think it's in your best interest if I'm honest and up-front with you, so I won't insult you by sugarcoating. Hopefully your feelings aren't hurt—I know it can be painful to read such rigorous critiques of your work, but I do think it's necessary to hear honest feedback in order to improve. I swear I'm not trying to be a jerk, though... even if I do get a little snarky at times.
Thank you again, but i'll be blunt as well: this was really upsetting to read. I know I asked you to review and honestly I am so grateful that you've taken the time to do so but reading through your review honestly crushed me. A lot of the things you critique are valid and I can completely see what you mean, but a lot are things I was very careful over writing. I don't know how to word it without sounding like I'm a whiney brat or whatever but Castle's inner monologue is pretty much the entire point of the story, and that's just my writing style. I'm working on elaborating all the dialogue scenes as I know they're lacking, but I kind of hate writing them. To me, this story is about someone in a deep depressive state with a strong pessimistic outlook on life who sees no hope.
please don't think i'm some whiney bitch who can't take criticism!
Thank you again for review, I am grateful, but you know how it is when someone shreds so pieces a chapter you really tried hard to portray deep emotions in.
I understand we all have different tastes though
Oh also, as you said you didn't particularly want to read on, don't feel obliged to review any more. I don't want to force you to read something you obviously aren't enjoying.
Oh also, as you said you didn't particularly want to read on, don't feel obliged to review any more. I don't want to force you to read something you obviously aren't enjoying.
Ah, nah, don%u2019t worry, I don%u2019t think you%u2019re whiney at all! You are actually handling my feedback very graciously, and it is DEFINITELY hard to get this kind of critique so your feelings are completely valid. Just keep in mind that these reviews do NOT mean you are a bad writer. A few chapters of one novel could never fully reflect your capabilities or skills.
I also should note that I do not think Castle%u2019s inner monologue is entirely bad, I just worry it is being overused at the expense of other elements, e.g. dialogue, and it can sometimes be a little over the top. A lot of YA novel narration is guilty of that, though.
I would be happy to read more. When I said I would not have continued, I was referring to if this was a published book I was reading for the fun of it. In this situation, I find the review process rewarding enough to keep going, even if I otherwise would not. With that being said, would you like me to stop? I will not take it personally or judge you if you say yes. You may not have realized the kind of review you were signing up for when you asked for my help, and if this is more than you were looking for, I can appreciate that. I know my reviewing style is an acquired taste and sometimes harsh reviews can wear on a person. Those feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. <3
That was supposed to say: Do not worry, I do not think you are whiney at all. YWS evidently hates apostrophes, lol.
That was supposed to say: Do not worry, I do not think you are whiney at all. YWS evidently hates apostrophes, lol.
Thank you lol. I'm thinking that basically I am going to just write the whole story, go through and SEVERELY edit it and then re-upload it onto here when I'm done, as at the moment I'm still on the first draft and so whilst critique is so helpful I also find myself frustrated because I'm like "Ahh I know that and I'm gonna change it!" which is my fault for uploading it to YWS without thinking or literally editing it at all lol. I don't mind if you want to keep reviewing, but perhaps maybe it'd be easier for you once I've actually got it to a stage I myself am happy with before you review again? Because when I went back to edit the previous 2 chapters after considering your feedback I realised how much I'd just skipped over because I wanted to get to the end of the chapter to feel accomplished, as I never finish anything lol.
Okay so now I'm waffling and basically have no idea what I'm trying to say which is half the problem with my story aha.
I started working on the next chapter before I read your comment, so I think I might finish that one. However, to give you time to decompress, I will wait a bit before posting it, and I will not continue after that. If you upload an improved version and want my feedback, I would be happy to give it. Or, if you decide you want me to continue with the current version, I can also do that. Just let me know if you want assistance, and until I hear from you, I will give you some space.
Lastly, I want to reiterate that you are not wrong for feeling this way. I was pretty brutal. I think you have responded as gracefully as anyone could in your position, and I appreciate that. I am very, very sorry it made you feel badly. Some people actually prefer it when I give them this type of review, and I thought you might be looking for something like this. But I know it is a tough pill to swallow, especially if it is a story you have been working hard on and feel passionately about. Should you have any follow up questions about my criticism, feel free to PM me. <3
Honestly no I've had time to think about it, I'm just being stupid. I asked for a review and that's what I got! If I were to actually try get something published they'd probably be way harsher. And anyway, it's not like my writing style is going to be universally loved by anyone and I have to get over it!
Oh dear Green, I love it!
You really have a great talent of expressing the deep emotions, especially emotions of depression, of fictional characters. You'll go a long way, Green. I can tell that for sure!
Observations:
'To pass the time, I tried to count each brick in the wall opposite me but kept losing track and so gave up, now bored out of my mind and tired.'
'It wasn’t William’s fault, or Tony’s or the policemens’ who had to drag me out onto the street and into the car, yet I’d been screaming at them, attacking them.'
'The door opened, and one of the police officers who’d responded to the call William made once I’d started fighting Tony walked in.'
Look at these three sentences. Don't you think they're too long? You can easily cut them off and write several sentences instead. It's too difficult to get these long sentences. (particularly the last one)
'Maybe it felt good to her to think that she was protecting the people you walked past in the streets each day.
I'd prefer 'Maybe she felt good to think that.....'. And by the way, where did the 'you' come from in this part? I get it that you're referring to the people of the town, but why 'you'? You can think of this point.
'She still impacted my life from beyond this life, and she always would, as long as I remembered her.'
Here the 'this life' probably meant the mortal life on earth. What you're trying to say is that Starry impacted the MC's life even after being dead, right? Well, you need to reword this sentence. 'My life from beyond this life'--it's just too confusing.
'The police car drifted through the dark streets, the continuous stream of terraced housing only ever broken by the sights of teenagers on bikes drinking cans of cheap beer cycling round dirty corners.'
I like the imagery you used here. But once again, too long sentence. Cut it off, split it, will read much better.
I loved how you related that 'floating back to the gutters' to the MC's life. Excellent!
'round and round and round like some new stage of hell in Dante’s Inferno.'
I became a big admirer of Dante after I watched the movie 'Inferno'. That's why, this sentence particularly fascinated me.
'I simply just slid down the back of the door....'
'Simply' and 'Just' are synonymous in this context. Omit any one of them.
In the end, I was really touched by the description of the MC reminiscing the moments with Scarry. Each of those moments was portrayed in a lively, realistic way. I felt like I was in there, watching them together. It was really, really well done! Really!
I get a feeling that maybe you wrote this in a hurry, especially the parts in the beginning. Otherwise, the sentences wouldn't be so long. But other than that, it's pretty well done. You can pat yourself for a good job, Green.
Oh, I almost forgot. I have a serious concern. The MC's a girl and Starry's a girl too, right? Does that they both belong to the LGBTQ+ community? Just asking!
Would love to read the next chapters. KEEP WRITING!
Thank you so much for reviewing! This feedback has been particularly helpful, as I always make my sentences too long and never realise aha! And yes, they are both girls so belong to the LGBTQ community
Thank you so much again, I'm just about to go back and edit this chapter!