Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
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The last thing Aubrey Ernest remembered was the screams.
They echoed behind her eyelids, panicked, high-pitched, cut short by the sudden grinding crunch of metal. For a moment, she was still in the car, strapped into the passenger seat, reaching for Macey. Her fingers curled tightly around the door handle, bracing for a second impact, but it never came. The screams simply faded away, and slowly, she managed to open her eyes. There was no glass, no smoke, no crumpled Toyota, just a blinding white light coming from above, haloed in a ring of grime.
She must be in the hospital. The thought came sluggishly as she groggily regained consciousness. Macey had crashed the car, that much she remembered, but everything else was scattered and lost. She tried to grab at the memories, but she couldn’t grasp onto anything. What had they hit? Another car? A tree? A person? They’d been driving out by Brockenhurst, so surely she’d be at Lymington or Southampton General. She knew those hospitals well. Too well, with their endless waiting rooms plastered in children’s characters, the metallic tang in the air, the nasty vending machine coffee her mum used to buy. This didn’t look like either of them.
It was way too silent. Her ears strained for the usual hospital chorus, the sounds she’d learned to half-ignore over the years: the steady beep of the machines, gurney wheels squeaking on the linoleum floor, the mechanical rasp of the ventilator. None of it came. Just the low, insectile buzz of the ceiling lights.
She tried to sit up, instinctively pushing up with her arms, but her wrists buckled underneath her, and she slipped back down onto the bed. There was an IV line in her arm. The sight of it made her stomach churn. She hated cannulas. Without thinking, she ripped it out. There was a sharp sting, then a hot trickle of blood, but she barely registered it. The quicker it was out, the better. She let it drop to the floor with a soft clatter, then tried again to sit up.
‘Hello?’ she croaked, her throat dry and hoarse. The word broke apart into something closer to a gargle. She tried to move her legs. Nothing. She tried again, but they wouldn’t move. She tore the blanket off and stared at them, hiding beneath the light blue hospital gown she was wearing. No matter how hard she willed them to move, they stayed heavy, distant, like they belonged to someone else. Her toes wouldn’t even wiggle. Balling her hand into a fist, she raised her arm and then slammed it down on her right thigh.
No flinch. No pain.
With shaking hands, she picked up one leg and dragged it to the side of the bed, then did the same with the other. It felt like lifting sacks of flour. Then, elbows locked, jaw clenched, she attempted to push herself up onto her feet. Her arms trembled under the strain, only managing to lift herself an inch or so before she flopped back onto the bed.
Her breath quickened. The crash couldn’t have been that bad, could it? Not bad enough to take everything from her? She’d broken a leg before, mountain biking in Ceredigion with her dad, and that had been bad enough. Ten weeks of itchy plaster, and four whole months off football.
This was worse. This was unthinkable. She had to be able to walk. She took a deep breath in and then pushed herself up again, ignoring the sharp pain that suddenly shot up her spine. Her hands clawed at the mattress as she forced herself upright until her body was vertical.
Then, she let go.
Her legs buckled instantly. She hit the floor hard, slamming her chin against the metal railing of the bed next to her as she fell. No scream came out when she opened her mouth, and she refused to let the tears escape her eyes. Aubrey Ernest did not cry. Not over a boy, not over a death, and certainly not over a stupid car crash.
‘Oh my goodness!’ came a high-pitched shriek from across the room, followed by soft footsteps. ‘You’re awake!’
‘Get off,’ Aubrey sulked, trying to pull herself up. ‘I’m fine, my legs are just asleep.’
‘Oh dear,’ the voice said. Aubrey looked up. A young nurse in white scrubs was standing over her with her hands on her hips. There was a walkie-talkie in her right hand that she placed down on the other bed. ‘I’m Lottie,’ she added, crouching down. ‘Don’t worry, you’re not the first one to end up on the floor, but you are the only one who’s woken up and immediately tried to take a Sunday afternoon stroll.’
Aubrey scowled. ‘My legs are fine. They just need a minute to wake up.’
‘Oh, honey,’ Lottie placed a hand on Aubrey’s shoulder. Then, gently but firmly, she said, ‘Your legs aren’t sleeping. They won’t wake up. You’ve had a spinal injury.’
Too quickly, Aubrey responded. ‘The crash wasn’t that bad.’
‘You were in a crash?’ Lottie’s eyes widened, and she pulled a notepad and pen out of her trouser pockets. ‘Can you tell me exactly what happened?’
‘Aren’t you supposed to know that?’ Aubrey scoffed. She pushed herself up with her arms, up into a sitting position. She tried again to stand, but after a few seconds her shoulders burned, her wrists slipped, and she sagged with a gasp back onto the linoleum.
Lottie threaded each arm under Aubrey’s armpits and hauled her up onto the bed. It was only then that Aubrey noticed how young Lottie looked. In fact, she didn’t look much older than Aubrey herself. Maybe fifteen or sixteen. There were huge, dark circles under her eyes.
‘You’re not a real nurse, are you?’ Aubrey said, squinting.
‘I’m sorry,’ Lottie said. ‘We’ve had to improvise since…’
‘Since what?’
‘Oh, God. I’m sorry. I haven’t had to do this yet. You were the only coma patient and–’
‘Coma?’ Aubrey interrupted, her voice sharp. ‘I was in a coma? For how long?’
Lottie winced. ‘About three months, maybe more. We couldn’t find your chart. You didn’t even have a wristband. You were ventilated when we first found you, and when the generators died, you kept breathing on your own. The backup generator kicked in, but we needed the ventilator for another patient. I’ve just been managing what I could. Fluids, hygiene, and turning you over so you didn’t get sores. The catheter, too.’
Aubrey stared at her like she’d grown another head. ‘Since what started? What are you talking about?’
Lottie looked down at her hands, then around the room, as if hoping someone else might appear and do this part for her. ‘Since the adults changed,’ she finally replied. Her eyes darted back and forth, like she was trying to remember a script. ‘A meteor, or an asteroid, hit central London in June. It lit up the whole sky in red and orange clouds. It shut down all the transport. Lots of people were injured. People were panicking. Thought it was a terrorist attack. And then…’
She paused, picking at the seam of her sleeve.
‘Then what?’
‘Then people started to get sick.’
‘A disease?’ Aubrey asked. ‘There was a pandemic? Like COVID?’
Lottie shook her head. ‘It only affected the adults. I’m sorry. It’s hard to explain. I should get Ravi.’
‘Tell me,’ Aubrey said, impatiently.
‘Like I said, it came in the meteor. It changed them, the adults. It doesn’t affect kids. Anyone under eighteen, give or take. It takes over their brain. Makes them angry, aggressive. We call them Crawlers. Others call them Invaders.’ Lottie stopped and took a shaky breath in. ‘They like to… eat us.’
‘Right,’ Aubrey said, a laugh escaping her lips before she could stop it. ‘This is insane. I want to see my cousin. I want to go home!’
Lottie bit her lip, then crept over to the window on the far side of the room and opened up the curtains. ‘I’m sorry, hun, but you’re not going anywhere.’
She pushed the bed over to the window and helped Aubrey sit up more.
Outside, the sun was golden, shining through office blocks and hitting the pavement below in long, clean stripes of light. Cars were parked haphazardly on the road, and rubbish was strewn across the pavement. Then she saw them. People were congregating in the middle of the street, a dozen, maybe more. Their skin was a pale, chalky white, stretched thin over sharp ribs and protruding spines, every joint and bone stark beneath the surface like something half-starved or half-dead. At first, Aubrey thought they were just sitting there, but as her eyes adjusted, she realised they were moving. Crawling. On all fours. Their limbs jerked out at odd angles, heads snapping up and down like they were scenting the air. One of them stopped suddenly and its whole body spasmed with a violent shudder before it scuttled sideways, disappearing into the shadow of a building like a cockroach.
‘Holy crap,’ she said, unable to look away. ‘We’re in The Walking Dead.’
Suddenly, Lottie’s walkie-talkie crackled to life. ‘Brontë, this is the Doctor. CryCast going live on ninety-four point five, I repeat, ninety-four point five, over.’
Lottie perked up, running over and grabbing the walkie. ‘Copy that, Doctor. I’m with our sleeper. She’s awake, over.’
Aubrey Ernest stared out the window. The world didn’t care that she’d slept through the apocalypse, and neither did her stubborn, useless legs.
End of chapter
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142,050 Literary Works • 676,468 Reviews
I'm actually thinking that this might work better as chapter one instead of the farm chapter?? let me know your thoughts!
Here we go to another point of view elsewhere in the adultless word. Using multiple narrators is a good choice for a Young Adult genre since it keeps pacing dynamic and interesting. Aubrey seems to be a stubborn girl, which makes me like her. It must be scary to wake up paralyse. You could have gone more into showing her panic and I would be panicking more. The part where she tries to get off the bed is a good characterisation moment. They seem to be in a city, and on the farm they were rural, so it is good to get different perspectives on the creatures and adults being dead. I think more could be explained perhaps if there were other patients in the room when Aubrey woke up instead of Lottie telling her everything. An enjoyable second chapter.
Hey, rev! I'm back to review another chapter of crawlers. Some plans of mine actually came up so I'm not sure how frequently I can do this, but you have my word that I'll try whenever I can. I'm actually going to my Aunt's and she's got notorious kids so I might not be able to study, much less review. There's a possibility that my college opens when I'm back by the 5th, but if it for doesn't, that's when you'll get the majority influx of notifications. I think I'll reach ch5 till this hiatus, and it won't be one if the cousins decide to go easy on me this time. Anyways, enough letting you know why I might become slower at these, let's get into the chapter~
I do like this personal touch to the writing here, the specificity really make the reader invested in the story like it's their own. The details are literal on their own, but suggest there's something to read between the lines here. Why is the protagonist so familiar to the environment of hospitals? It could be that she's worked in healthcare. But frankly, her perspective resembles that of a patient more. I believe she's a chronic patient who grew up with a disease that made her go to to the hospitals often, maybe something that doesn't have a cure and that's why they also looked at every hospital nearby for a second opinion but ended up disappointed. The buildup to here has been most fascinating as well. From the name, I don't think she's related to the Blakes. I wonder who this 'Macey' character is to her, I'd have preferred if there was at least some hint to it.
Oh, how relatable that is! I spent one day in the post-operation unit and it began white noise by midday. I had to focus on it deliberately when our professors asked us to listen to it and detect any irregular sounds for complications, that was a good day of learning. I can't imagine how unaffected she must have become after having to listen to them for years! At the same time, I think this also supports my theory of her being a chronic patient. I wonder what it is and of the crash worsened it somehow.
That's spooky! I think it suggests this is kind of an abandoned hospital. But that doesn't explain how the protagonist is here, in an alive state. Maybe some retired doctor found her injured and brought her here for immediate care? But this setting also opens the door for more sketchy business. Could it be that some organ traffickers thought she was dead and brought her in for profit? If it's the latter, we might be in for a hell of a scene.. Though I think that would be excessive, even for you lol.
The italics make me think it's a crawler that they hit. They brainless and slow, so it makes more sense. I hope you were directing the reader to this direction intentionally.
Woah, would certainly not recommended! Bleeding is the least of a problems right now, because if she were too forceful with it, the cannula itsself could break in the vessel and that's not good. But I think one thing is for certain- I severely underestimated her aversion to hospitals. It seems like all those recurrent visit over the years really made her hate the place, as opposed to mere familiarity. Now I am really curious as to what is her story, because the narrative is suggesting it's going to be riveting. Also I think this reveals a lot about her- she's impulsive and lead by her wishes over safety.
I believe she's cut off a nerve, maybe at the level of her hip, maybe where she landed badly in that car crash? But that would only be the case if her legs were moving till before the accident. That does seem to be the major possibility, since she seems to have some memory of the accident and its fairly surprised by the loss of sensation. But then again she DID have a chronic issue and could be suffering short term memory loss as a consequence of that accident. Either way, LOVED how descriptively (and seemingly accurate) way you portrayed this- the struggle feels very real.
Again, I think she is speaking in the favour of my former assumption, that the crash may have caused this. The second part really intrigues me though, as to what she means by it. Has this lost been caused by her chronic disorder- there could be a lot of emotional stress involved with financial strain and family problems. Or it could be a death of a loved one or something else entirely! I do like the suspense but I think some added held could have complemented it well.
Geez, we have plastic railings and I don't want to imagine even what those would feel like against one's chin. This depiction is most realistic though, such severe nerve damage doesn't better better unless surgically operated on. If it was sleeping foot instead, she'd be able to move them a little at least, though it'd feel as if electricity were running through her.
Over a boy? Heavens, has the 'took everything from her' been about a breakup she recently went through. I feel like someone mature won't put it in the same sentence with death and car crash- how old even is she again? @_@
Whoever this is, they certainly took their time! But at least they sound glad she woke up, so I believe it's not some black market business.. I think you might need to explain what caused this delay in their arrival though. It could be though that they were close by doing something else, but only came in when they had the sound of her falling. Reasonable enough, but you gotta say it clearly, rev.
The ignorance is getting to me.. Either her years of hospital trauma has made her a madwoman that she's too broken and denial, or she's a fool who actually believes it. I would like to hope it's the former, even if it's the sadder possibility.
I was sorta right? Maybe it the cut off the nerve supplier to prevent the spread of a pathogen for two minimise local pain being caused in the area. I would have guest it was a treatment of a chronic condition but but the time in seems all right after accident. Maybe it worsened the state though and the operation needed to be rushed? Also it could be a more temporary effect where the cells around the operated area swell up, but I think the nurse's ultimate tone in her statement suggests otherwise.
Okayyy so they don't have her history? But this suggest that they didn't pick her up from the location of the accident, but then who did and why didn't they tell the nurse what had happened and if the nurse didn't know, what for what she even operated for? And biggest thing - why don't they know the reason for why a patient was brought in? I have so many questions right now. I do think the only way to get out of this is because just this specific nurse doesn't know, maybe there was a change of shifts and leaving made a blunder of not passing down the history of patients.
Okayyyy the protagonist age actually justify lot of actions, so I am glad that we got that out of the way. Also the dark circles- love the jab at the unhealthy standards of the healthcare industry! And the realisation about her not been a real nurse actually makes so much sense, though I missed myself. I think it happened because there was simply so much to unpack here, so many twists not spaced this close might lose the impact they would've had if they had their own room to build up to thr reveal.
Wow, I didn't imagine this.. A clever solution rev, I'll give you that! Lowkey impressed here, since it solves all your plot holes. I wonder if she's aware of the crawler crisis even, it doesn't seem so from the way you have gone about it.
A meteor, huh? For how outworldly this disease it, it certainly fits. But I think that with the recent technological advances we would know a lot before a meteor was to actually hit us and so panic as well as precaution may start in advance . Now if the intellectuals thought it a harmless shooting star instead, that'd be a different thing altogether. It's kinda wierd that it only attacks children, mainly in it's scientific accuracy. I hate to be that guy, but hey you were the one to spoil me with all this medical preciseness XD
For some reason I cannot comprehend, I did not imagine them as actual crawlers since they're represented in a humanoid way (how the one at the farm opened the latch, how they mimic human voices, and how Aubrey thought it was a person that she hit). I thought it was an exaggerated manner to describe a weird way in which they walked, as if they were crawling instead. But this one's totally on me! If anything, I think this makes Kurt's last statement that they are evolving, seem much more impactful. Good job ^-^
I love some age appropriate references! I feel like she is going to have a very entertaining personality, and my, we'll need a lot of it in this dire setting..
Now that I actually think about it, I agree with you on this! I don't think you'll need to change anything too, since they are completely unrelated except the apocalypse. Go ahead, I see no problem in it.
Anyways, that's all for now Rev. Hope I get to see you soon, until then~
Love, Alex
You know what word comes to mind when I try to "review" this chapter?
Well-built. That's the word.
It's just so well-constructed! To use an analogy; it's like a really, really, really good burger. Everything is exactly where you want it to be, and everything is cooked to perfection. But, I can't help but feel it's missing... something. The extra-spicy jalapeno hidden under the cheese slices, the twist of lemon in the meat's seasoning, the extra spurt of garlic mayo... there's just something.
And I think it's the fact that it's too well done, almost clinically well done. For instance, the bit where Aubrey realises she's lost sensation in her legs (spinal injury? Who knows! Exciting) is constructed too well. I think you should use more sentence fragments, more incomplete phrases, more fragmented construction to really put us in Aubrey's brain. It feels a little clinical at the moment, as though the narrator - and thus, the reader - is completely detached from the emotional impact of something like a spinal injury.
But... that's it! That's my ONLY solution. Very well built burger, I must say
EDIT: the burger analogy made me hungry :/
Hi dom! Sorry I haven’t replied to the message on my wall; wanted to give a thought out answer! I will get back to that later. I totally think you’re write and it’s a good analogy. I know what you mean. This was a chapter my supervisor on my MA praised but I really disliked a lot of his feedback so he liked it because of how “neat” is was and actually advised me to edit out some parts where she was panicking a lot which is funny to me now! I’ve made a note of what you’ve said so when I get to editing it I’ll definitely be working on this!
I genuinely detest creative anything teachers. You CANNOT teach creative writing. You can teach sentence construction, grammar, definitions, etc. but you CANNOT teach creative anything. Either you got it or you don't. So trust your gut instincts and give her the moments of panic.
Neat =/= good
i get your sentiment completely, but there definitely are aspects of the craft you can teach! I dislike that particular teacher's advice but I did it to get his good grades XD my favourite teachers really encouraged us to try new forms, experiment, try writing in eachothers styles, coming up with new ways to brainstorm ideas, and especially the research & scholarly side of creative writing, which informs the practice itself, can be taught. But I agree much more of it as a subject should be independent. (Just gotta defend my two degrees here because one day Ill be teaching creative writing lol, hopefully!)
Hey hey hey!!
I have... extremely little by way of suggestions for this one! It's incredibly slick and well-written, pulling off the exposition extremely well. Oh my GOD do I feel for Aubrey. What a horrible situation to find herself in.
In answer to your question in the comments: I personally think this works way better as a second chapter than as a first. There's a lot to be said for plunging your reader straight into the world, giving them lots of mystery and intrigue, and only providing the necessary context afterwards. I think the farm chapter followed by this one accomplishes that really well. Also - somebody waking up from a coma in the middle of the apocalypse immediately puts me in mind of 28 Days Later, and you've also got the Walking Dead reference later on. I don't mind either of these things - you swiftly establish a very distinct energy to the former, and the latter is a really fun and realistic reaction for Aubrey to have - but I think the story would suffer a bit from having those comparisons in the reader's mind right away. The farm chapter gives you enough time to go 'here's what THIS story is doing', which makes the references land better.
I like this as an opening, but I'm not sure it needs to be its own paragraph. (Sorry, I know it's annoying to receive two conflicting bits of feedback, but I'm going to defend the screams behind her eyelids! I think it's a fun turn of phrase and it makes perfect sense to me!)
I'm not sure you need both 'sluggishly' and 'groggily' here. I'd possibly even consider cutting it down to 'the thought came sluggishly' but I think that's me showing my bias towards short choppy sentences
You have a real knack for descriptive writing! Both this and the later paragraph describing the city and the Crawlers are SO SO SO effective. I love the way you pick out just enough details to make the scene feel really rich without ever dipping into purple prose.
Oh Aubrey
What a lovely turn of phrase!
This sentences tells me so much about Aubrey as a character! She strikes me as somebody who is self-sufficient to a fault, and very practised at bottling up her emotions. This combined with the detail that she's been in the hospital a lot (as a patient or with a family member?) make me soooo curious about her past and what made her this way.
Again: I love this. It feels so real.
I also really enjoy the presence of the CryCast as a point of commonality between the two narratives! It seems like it's A Big Deal, and I'm intrigued as to whether that's on a local scale or a national one.
Lovely last line, I can really feel her frustration here.
Hype to read more (and to meet the infamous Ravi hehe)!
thank you so much for the review! I appreciate the feedback, and I think you're right about this being a better 2nd chapter (just need to straighten out a lot in the first haha)
there's a bunch of chapters i wrote which introduce a THIRD plotline to this part which im going to try to remember to post before you get to those parts so it makes more sense haha
You're very welcome!!! V intrigued about the third plotline 👀 I really enjoy it when stories bounce around like this
(also I just noticed the title says 'Hosptial' instead of 'Hospital'!)
Omg thank you for catching thatv!! How embarrassing lol
It's easily done!
Back for chapter two
I like this start and the second chapter being completely dedicated for an introduction of a character is amazing. I personally don’t find the dual narrative confusing at all! You do it smoothly.
I thought this was good, but it’s a lot for one sentence. Replacement could be: “She heard the echoes from behind her eyelids like a high pitched ring in her ear. However, the screams were suddenly cut short by a grinding crunch of metal”… And so on. I’m very fascinated by “Grinding crunch of metal” It’s such a terrible sound to imagine, which is why it’s perfectly fitting.
I think this is the only part where the writing could be lengthened. In the start of the chapter, I think the whole happening of Aubrey waking up and trying to get up from her bed is way too long.
To describe where I think it could be better would be that: the plot feels a little bit rushed, but each sentence and paragraph alongside it is a bit too long? If that makes sense.
Where I think the plot is rushed, is for example when the nurse explains the whole situation to Aubrey. It’s a lot to take in for the reader too. And if I could just imagine, wouldn’t it be cool if Aubrey did escape the hospital, but saw all of this on her own? That it would be a longer process where person after person, maybe newsletters, could make her understand the meteor and invander thing happening. I think that would make a more powerful ahh moment for the reader.
Keep writing, 4revgreen! This could make an extremely thrilling novel!
thank you so much for the review. I think you're totally right that a lot of it feels rushed. This was submitted as part of my Master's course, and we had a strict word limit, so in order to focus on later parts, I really streamlined the first few chapters. On my read-through now, it's very apparent that if this were to become a proper novel, these chapters need a lot of rewriting! So thank you for all the kind feedback and advice; I'm definitely making a note of it all. I really love Aubrey, and it was hard to cut so much out for submission!
Well then, since I just read Ch1, let’s head straight into Ch2 😊
Oh that is such a neat description!Write reviewwwwssss
Uhmmm are you sure that you want to write that the screams are echoing behind her eyelids? When that is a visual thing usually? Unless you have a character who can “see” sound (there are brains that work like that so that’s a possibility!)
Shouldn’t it be “she had to be in a hospital”? Because we are in present tense?
Also you might want to think about changing this up to not have to adverbs right after another: “ sluggishly as she groggily“
I like how Aubrey catalogues her surroundings, quietly and intensely. That works very well to show what kind of character she is!
Hm I didn’t watch a lot of The Walking Dead, maybe only episode 1 or so. But I am kinda taken back to that distant memory of the MC waking up in a near empty hospital during the apocalypse…
I do like how you describe her struggling with her legs and eventually manually lifting them. It’s very effective in showing who she is. The lack of internal commentary works too, she’s focused and probably doesn’t want to think abt the implications too much. Very good!
Love Lottie already. Ah your writing is so effective :3
Ohhhh the creatures are adults (I was very immersed. The dialogue worked super well for me and it answered all the questions I had immediately. I have a good sense of Lotti and of Aubrey and you work on information [like how young Lottie is] really well!)… or something. Well that puts a different spin on them learning to open doors… But why do they call them invaders then, I wonder (just my musings as I try to figure this out. Very exciting!)
Ohh myyyy! The way you describe the scenery down there! That is really good!!!!
And LOL you brought the Walking Dead reference too! Only that your MC cannot walk to the next best horse (or maybe she will eventually, you described her as very stubborn after all xd)
Innnteresting. I am so curious abt who the Doctor is and if it really effected ALL the adults and how the “virus” or whatever it is decides that a person is adult enough to get affected. The brain isn’t finished growing until around 25 after all… Very peculiar and I’m looking forward to your explanations~
Also I agree, this might be a much better chapter 1. You can head into the farm after this to show how ppl who have casually lived through the apocalypse wide-awake are handling the aftermath?
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Thanks for catching that tense slip. 'She had to be in a hospital' would definitely work better. I think when I wrote it, 'she must be in the hospital' was supposed to be her thought inside her head, but it doesn't read like that now! Thank you so much for the review, I agree it would be a better first chapter since there's more shock at the world outside compared to the farm where they are used to it. I love that you said she needs to get to a horse 😂 when i wrote this i realised right after i finished the chapter... shoot, this is like the walking dead's first episode, i need to be careful i don't plagiarise anymore of it 😭😂
Well you do have the farm stuff and idr farm stuff happening in the first episode of TWD xd
(Also England is a new location so...! =D)