The Curse of the Callers
Angus Fletcher was often described as a common thief, but he was so much more than that; he was an expert thief… a genius in the art of stealing. He was almost like the skeleton of a child, short, pale and skinny; his empty brown eyes were sunken deep into their sockets. He wore a dirty brown coat and a green hat which hid a shiny bald head.
Not being a very social person, Angus usually travelled alone. On this occasion, however, he had a young man of about twenty one with him. Thomas Taylor was nothing more and nothing less than a common thief, although he was not often described as one. Tommy had an innocent look about him; he was blonde, brown eyed and very good-looking.
They walked in silence. Tommy, staring at his feet and nervously biting his nails, and Angus with his head down and his shoulders hunched. Nosy passers-by were beginning to give them strange looks and whispering amongst themselves. Despite how good Angus was at his job he had still earned himself a bad reputation and had become very unpopular. Why would Tommy Taylor be associating with a man like him? When Angus slipped into a narrow cut between two shops Tommy got the hint and pretended not to notice. At the next opportunity, however, he also slipped into a narrow cut and side-stepped his way into a back alley where Angus was waiting for him. It had been an attempt to conceal that they knew each other. Any inkling that the two were related in some way could be vital evidence.
The back alley was surprisingly dark. The only part of Angus Tommy could make out was his white face and hands. One of the white hands disappeared as he reached into his pockets and took out a folded piece of paper which he pressed into Tommy’s palm.
For the first time Tommy heard him speak, “Come here at nine o’clock tonight stand outside the cut I came through and cough three times. I will cough once in reply, then we walk all the way up, you on the street side and I’ll be in the alley. You’ve got three hours to work this out,” he pointed to the folded paper, “Got any questions?” Tommy shook his head, “Don’t shake your head kid. Answer me!” He was somehow managing to shout in a whisper, he had a harsh, intimidating voice that seemed to be much too big for his body.
“No,” Tommy replied, his voice shaking.
The man who leaned against the wall and coughed three times barely even resembled Tommy Taylor, he looked pale and frightened and was shaking from head to foot. Beads of sweat where forming on his brow and he had hardly any nails left to bite. His one-cough reply came a few seconds later and he began to walk. It seemed like a long walk and Tommy had almost completely calmed down when he spotted the farm. It was exactly like the drawing on the paper that he had been instructed to burn. It had an empty field at the back and a barn that looked as if it could crash down at any moment. It looked as if it had been abandoned for a long, long time.
Tom took a deep breath. His nerves were coming back to him; with shaking fingers he opened the door a tiny crack and slid inside sideways. The barn was dimly lit and had six men cramped into one small section. They were all laughing and joking and drinking beer and whiskey, Angus wasn’t there.
“Oh, so you must be Tommy,” Said a middle-aged man who seemed to be at the centre of attention “You’ve earned yourself one point for a good entrance, any thief should enter any door like that,” Tommy laughed and started to relax, “so you’re a local then Tom,” he enquired.
“Yeah I live about a mile down the road,” Tommy answered.
“Minus one point,” Another younger man chipped in, “Never reveal where you live.”
“Anyway Tom I’ll introduce you to the boys, I’m John and this is my son little John,” The older man ruffled the younger mans hair, “Just call him Johnny, and that’s Simon, Dennis and Mathew, and that,” he paused and looked at Tommy, “Well, that’s Gilbert.”
The man he was pointing at was enormously fat, he wore ripped pants and a scruffy white vest that only managed to stretch half way over his enormous belly. He had wispy brown hair and droopy eyes; his head was round and bright red like a ripe tomato.
Tommy grinned at John, “I’ve never met a Gilbert,” Gilbert burped loudly in reply.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Pardon my rudeness but the story did not make any sense to me.
The two parts were thoroughly unrelated and what happened to Angus.
Why was the barn to be burned?? I get the part that the barn was a hideout for thieves and that Tommy was introduced to them. What is the significance of Gilbert except for his size?
Did Angus want to burn down the farm to reduce competition?? The motive is not clear. What is with the title: why are the callers cursed?
Who was the one who coughed back to Tommy? Next time onwards give a subtle hint and do not leave the readers playing guessing games.
The story’s plot is very vague and sketchy and it does not actually end.
I do admire your writing style it is simple and yet the details make it complete.
Oh and by the way you spelled traveled incorrectly. The correct spelling is “traveled” and not “traveled”.
You've edited without changing much at all. I must not have explained very well, sorry.
I only have a little time, so:
Put periods on the end of sentences, not commas. Try reading aloud, pausing at commas, and stopping at periods. If you want part of a sentence to be read as one sentence with the dialogue, you connect it with a comma. "She said,"Hi." "Hi," she said. "You're putting commas on all the sentences that go with dialogue, and it's making it confusing as to who is talking. I'll try to give examples later.
I really like the story, but I agree with J.Haux when she says that the punctuation is important. Still really good, and the scene with Tommy entering into the thieves room was really well done. Keep going!
PS Could you review my story the Shadow Blight in the Fantasy section?
Great review, thanks! I'll try and give them some more backround information. Thanks again.
I read it and it was pretty good, but it didn't grab my interest even though I tried to get into it. It lacked a certain appeal. If this is a story about thieves and how their own story unfolds, then it shouldn't be so short. Take time to explain each chars personal qualities so the reader can get into them. I know Angus is not social; so how does he come to meet Tommy? Is Tommy his assistant? What about Angus? Why has he chosen the life of crime? Same goes for Tommy. I imagined Tommy being very young, maybe in his 20's, so how did he turn into a thief, where as Angus seems a bit older - 30-50's maybe?
Keep plugging away at it! You know how to use discriptions well, so in the end, I'm sure it will be great!
I look forward to the next installment as I really wanna know the meaning behind the title.
Edit: I read it a third time. I've changed some of my opinions. I love the scene with all the thieves at the table. I pictured all of them drinking their beer, all getting hung over, lol.
I especially like this one.
LMAO! That was very good. If I was in Tommy's shoes after that, my face would turn like this -
Good job, but I still want to learn more about Angus and how he got Tommy. Also would like to know more about Tommy. If he's a local, how and why did he wind up being a thief.
I've just finished editing this, hope you think it's a bit better. It's not that much different, apart from punctuation this time!
I have editing and grammar problems too.
Try editing before posting...actually, I think that's a rule.
I didn't notice it in your other stories I read. This was the first time you never had any periods, at all, at the ends of dialogue sentences. I was shocked! 
I can't really give you any feedback on the story, because you don't have very much so far. But you have piqued my interest, so hopefully you'll have more. 
Yeah. I know... My grammar's crap, I've never had a chance to edit though. It's like eleven o' clock at night so I can't do it now. I do that in all of my stories so I've got some serious editing to do... Thanks for reviewing.
I don't think it was so much his description as...the fact that people were staring. I liked this, it's very interesting. I hope to read more, to see how it developes. I like the characters...especially the group of thieves together.
But...but...You have NO punctuation on the majority of your dialogue. Also, remember what I said about dialogue punct. rules. It really affects the meaning, I promise.
For example:
Who said "Minus one point"? Was it the younger man? I can't tell because you have NO PUNCTUATION!!!!
I'm really looking forward to reading more of this one. It's a lot of fun.
Brilliant! Thank you so much, see, you've mentioned something really good just 'cause I had the cheek to ask you. Of course, you're right, he should just blend in shouldn't he. Sorry, I thought you might have been one of those annoying people who reviews without actually reading it, happened a few times on writing.com. Thanks again.
it stinks! offencive enouph for you? no but really it might be just my opinion but an expert thief should look inconspicuiose (boy i am bad at spelling) and not be the type of guy who people would look at like you made him stange looking and had people look or stare i forgot, tommy is good though.
I know it's not perfect, of course it's not perfect, nothing's perfect. Would you please be able to expand on that, I'm not looking for a long review but I am trying to improve. Is it the grammar? The storyline? Does it make sense? Is it too boring? Come on, just a few more words, pretty please. Be as offensive as you like.
very good but not perfect.