I don’t know
What you were, but
I know what you
Are now.
Untouched except for the
Rain sliding
Easily down your
Appendages, rotting your
Flesh more than ever,
And the wind
Caressing your rough
Curvature with soft
Fingers.
You are a hunk
Of metal that sits
Through the changing seasons
Without a care in the world.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
I adore the remarkable contrast of an old and decaying piece of metal being depicted with such lovingly beautiful, even sexually suggestive, prose. The writing highlights the essence of the meaning of the phrase "the perfect within in the imperfect" which highlights the truest and purest form of beauty. A tree is most beautiful not in it's imagined pristine youth, leaves soaked with morning dew and glistening in the light of the sun. No, a tree is most beautiful after having struggled to maintain it's shape over a decades long endurance, battered inevitably by the passage of time and veritably unceasing barrage from Mother Nature's elements. For true beauty, whether in nature, the human soul, or in the poetry that is birthed from a soul when it finds the right words to express itself, arises from conflict, the struggle to simply exist in a harsh and unyielding world predestined to destroy it, like a rose sprouting from concrete. The essence of true beauty is in that which defiantly "is" and struggles to maintain its form and shape despite all the fury of the universe against it. In other words, it is in that which continues to exist, even if for no other purpose than existences sake alone.
Hi there!
This painted a vivid picture in my head. I also liked the observational tone of the piece, as you really captured the 'metal carcass' in a detailed, methodical light.
Language
I like the surprising/ ironic word choices you've used here. The contrasts between "caress" and "rough", metal with flesh like in "appendages", create an interesting comparison between the machine and something alive.
Structure
I think you might be going for something of a concrete poem, as the shape of the stanzas seems to mimic that effect of "sliding down" the metal. Guess my only comment is maybe to think about where the line breaks go? There's a lot of enjambment happening in this piece, which can be really effective in conveying a particular mood, and I thought you did this well in the 'rough// Curvature' part above. I think the piece might be improved by making sure enjambments are more purposeful, though, because if not, they can be a bit jarring or break the flow of the rhythm for the reader.
Here, for example, the line breaks don't really seem to flow for me, so getting rid of that enjambment might help. For example, maybe something like:
Just as a suggestion!
Miscellaneous
I do like the title you've chosen for this poem, as the word "carcass" draws a further contrast between the 'living' and the 'dead' or inanimate, like the metal.
That's all
This was an interesting poem, and I think you have a creative and well-thought out poetic concept here. Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!
Cheers,
-Lim
Thank you so much for the review. It was really helpful.
Very good poem! This is what I would call a "Poetic" poem, as it is extremely abstract and descriptive. Good job!
First, I have a question-- Was the title "Carcass" supposed to be ironic or have any meaning because in the end, you say:
This part makes it seem a bit . . . off . . . from the title. The title, "Carcass" might foreshadow something bad or negative or rotting or something like that. I understand that:
However, the theme of the poem changes too quickly. You start off in a neutral tone, almost as if you are talking to the piece of metal. Then you talk about the rusting which is almost like rotting to you. Then you talk about the wind being somewhat sympathetic to the metal. And finally, you end with the metal not having a care in the world.
Your mood swings in this poem, and it's better not to do that in an abstract poem like this. If it was a gradual change, like you are realizing that this metal is calm and serene or something, then that would be best, but like said before: Your theme changes too quickly.
However, that was my only nit-pick.
The rest of this poem is absolutely beautiful-- description and metaphorism is perfect here. I only suggest that you work on keeping your mood of the poem. Before you write a poem, ask yourself these questions:
1. What is the poem about? What is the theme? What is the mood?
2. How will this poem be written? What will the poem's format be? Limerick? Haiku? Sonnet (jk)?
3. How will you express the poem's theme or mood? Will you describe? Will you narrate?
I hope this review was helpful, as I believe this is a beautiful poem, but has some room for improvement.
Anyways, can't wait for more of your awesome work!
Bon Voyage!
-y0sH!
Thank you! I will take that in to consideration.
<3