Published December 29, 2008
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140,862 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hey 200!
You really don't need commas here. "The house was quite literally falling apart".
Try cutting up these sentences. Commas are best used in moderation. You have two here, and you're describing a place, so it makes it feel like the sentence is quite the mouthful. Try turning the first comma into a period. Also, the part: "He had taken a taxi" is passive phrasing. "He took a taxi" is active, and more engaging to read.
It seems sort of obvious that the country would be peaceful and simple. And the next sentence pretty much implies that anyway.
This was a pleasant beginning. Not extremely interesting, but Jack's character was sincere enough that I find myself genuinely endeared to him. He feels very real - you're portraying his character well through descriptions. I like the presence of his dog as well. It feels more realistic for a man like him to have a pet companion rather than being alone. I think it adds to his character a lot, as the dog companion brings out bits of Jack's own character!
You need to try to make some of your sentences shorter. Try to use less commas, and recognize when it's not necessary to have continue the sentence with a commas. Like the example I use previously with the one quote.
Very nice though, I hope you have more posted!
~ Clo
Hey-ho, 200! Sorry for the lateness of this review, was busy with building computers and getting them to work. I'm here now, though, so here we go!
The way this is worded almost make for an awkward read. It's fine as it is, but it's not very smooth. Consider revising. Perhaps something along the lines of "Shreds were all that remained after they had been trampled by pedestrians and torn by bicycle wheels."
Even reverse it maybe. "After being trampled by pedestrians and torn by bicycle wheels, shreds were all that remained of the vegetation."
Or even something completely different. Your call, but I don't suggest leaving it as is.
Nice bit of characterization there. ^^ I, personally, love moving around, but my sister hates it, social bug that she is, so I can almost relate to him. Curious to know why, if he doesn't like moving in general, he took the jump and moved to another country. Almost doesn't fit together, but I'm sure you have your reasons.
Theeeere we go. Again, great bit of characterization, and makes me all the more curious to find out what happened before. The only thing that tweaks my nose about it is that it took you a few paragraphs to get to it. He doesn't know French, doesn't like moving, is in unfamiliar territory, left behind a well-paying job, and made the decision over night. Once you get to that bit above ^^ annoyance is turned to intrigue and curiosity and interest. Before that, though, it's not so great. We start out wondering why he's here, but after a while, we give up on finding out and automatically begin making assumptions on the character. This line quickly unravels any doubt, but you might want to put something above it to hint that something happened before, like how you do with this line. Put something in earlier to avoid need to unravel anything.
The door was eight feet wide?
Poor Jack... seems so awkward and out of place. It'll be interesting to watch him grow into Paris, and also to find out what happened before. Must have been no small thing if it convinced him to 'exile' himself, as he put it.
This piece is filled with imagery -- very beautifully done. I could almost see the city through Jack's eyes. The beginning was especially full, but I found it a bit wordy. The first quote I put up is an example of what I mean. It wasn't so much wordy as... word were out of place. Fine how they were, but not a smooth read. As the piece goes on, however, you seem to get into the flow of things better, things become smoother to read. Take the quality from the middle and end and add it tot the beginning. It's a great opening part of the chapter, but the opening of the opening could use a bit of tweaking. Aside from that, however, everything was great. Look forward to reviewing the continuation.
Oh, this chapter was quite good, but there are some mistakes.
His house? Why do I not remember you telling us whose house it was?
I thought they paved the street?
"blended", you mean.
I don't find "sprawling" and "scrambling" anywhere close to "peaceful and simple".
Ivy League? I thought he was English?
One in, not one on.
Dual, not duel.
"And now that he'd arrived", I think.
What do you expect of those cheap houses... <joking>
I think you mean "onto the crimson Axminster carpet, to the amusement of..."?
"Doing as he was told, he sat," don't forget your comma.
Don't put her dialogue like that. It makes it sound as though she was a he. Try putting the weak smile after she finishes the sentence.
Fullstop!
Separate the sentence! Try '“All right,” Jack said, sensing a brawl just waiting to happen. He stood and avoided the feline as he made his way to the door.'
Hmm. Too many 'he's, try putting more 'Jack's. I'm off to the next part of the chapter, see you there!
Vampire novel =) Oooo, you know I love those
I think you mean “was from [b]one[/I] country to another” instead of “was from on country to another”
You end one sentence with “Paris Academy” and then start another with the same words. It doesn’t work that way, ruining the flow. I would either reword one or the other so you avoid that.
“pictured” instead of “picture”
~ ~ ~ ~
Wow, you are an amazing writing, Sunny. Your descriptions and the lovely atmosphere you have created makes me crave to visit France myself. You also have shrouded Juliet and Miss Dominique in mystery , which was also beautifully done. Jack, might I say, isn’t as developed. We still don’t know a lot about him but I look forward to finding out more.
Keep on Writing!
Vampires? When are there vampires? Oh yeah, my bad, I haven't done your chapter 3 yet. Wooops.
Why don't you, in the future, just add chapter 1 1.2 in another post rather than making a whole new post?
Well, do you need me to critique this? If so I shall deliver (again) but in a nicer way, hey?
*claps* you posted this!