Rest Here

Wow, this is beautiful!
Since you are relatively new to this place, I wanted to introduce myself, You can call me Queenie and I am kind of new as well since I just joined this month. If you have any questions of just for funzies, you can talk to me at any time.
With that being said, let me review this wonderful piece of work!

Things / parts that I loved:

Hair that was once the color of red wine
Has now turned into a tone of copper.
The skin that used to be as soft as a peach
Is now the same texture of dry leather.
Amber eyes that had the twinkle of a bunch of tiny little stars at night
Now hide behind eyelids connected to wispy eyelashes.

These parts wonderfully describe how she looks like when she was alive, and how different she looks when she passed away. I loved how you compared her to things such as leather.

Critique:
All I wanted to say is that you could add some more detail into this poem, such as how the speaker felt after her death, but overall really great work, don't stop writing!

Queenie.

Hello, I’m mph, here to review your work on behalf of Team Bees!
Ok so starting with things that I like-
I really like the descriptions you chose- crows, carnations, we are never told that the character is in a cemetery but these few details pretty quickly get the point across. I also love the descriptions in the second paragraph, especially this one:

The skin that used to be as soft as a peach
Is now the same texture of dry leather.

I just really like the description of her skin as dry leather and how unsettling it is.
Also I thought it was really sweet how the main character imagines their deceased love one helping other souls since they were always helping people in life. I think that is a nice way to wrap up the poem that illustrates the main character’s love for the person.

now for advice/things that could be worked on-
I actually think the brevity really adds to the effectiveness off the piece, and if you’re going to make it longer make sure you have something to add that contributes to the overall vibe or adds relevant information. I feel like I personally always want to try to make my works longer, but sometimes it muddles the overall intention of the work.
Also some of the wording could maybe be improved. If you’re going for a more informal feel you can disregard this but I personally wouldn’t use phrases like “a bunch of.” Another sentence I would recommend rewording to sound more smooth are

Has now turned into a tone of copper.

I don’t know how to explain but it kind of feels clunky idk

overall, this is a really great piece! Good work!!!

Hello there! Here to drop by with a review for Team Bees! :3

The gritty yet soft ground makes for a homely haven.
She will rest here.
The crows flying overhead create a perfect ambience.
She will rest here.
The carnations emanate a sweet, warm smell.
She will rest here.

I really like the repetition in this! It isn't too much and the different imagery in the preceding lines (tactile, emotional, sensory) give the feeling that she's at rest in every way possible. The 'will' also adds great intention to the line, which makes this feel orchestrated in the best way possible. You are actively choosing that she rests here, for these reasons. The care and love really comes through. Great job! Definitely my favourite part of the poem.

Hair that was once the color of red wine
Has now turned into a tone of copper.
The skin that used to be as soft as a peach
Is now the same texture of dry leather.
Amber eyes that had the twinkle of a bunch of tiny little stars at night
Now hide behind eyelids connected to wispy eyelashes.

I like how realistic this part of the poem is, it highlights the changes in the body after death, but also shows that doesn't mean that there is no beauty to be found anymore. The imagery works really well. It's a nice way to personalise the poem for the reader because now not only are we reading about the laying of rest of this person, but also we can visualise how she looks and what kind of pain her passing might have invoked.

You spent your life helping others and tending to everyone else's needs
And now you’ll probably do the same for the rest of the departed souls

This was a nice little glimpse into the personality of the person that has passed away but I really wish that this was elaborated a little more. The poem feels a little incomplete, like the idea hasn't been fleshed out enough. I understand the urge to leave the reader wanting more, but in its current form I feel like the poem doesn't meet it's potential.

Tell us more about her, how did she die? Was she young? Who is speaking? What was their relation to the deceased? How much pain did her passing cause? There is a lot more you can delve into here to make the poem feel well-rounded.

Don't be disheartened though! We all learn through experience <3 And your work has great potential. Overall, This was a lovely read and I am looking forward to more of your work Please remember that everything I have said is only my personal opinion, and feel free to reach out if you have any questions or concerns.

Happy Review Day!!

~ canopy

A Butterfly has landed to review your work!<3

Hey PINK! A Butterfly has flown here to review your work and this poem has such a melancholic sort of vibe to it, it doesn't try to explain everything and I think that allows the imagery and repetition to shine through

The Egg

The imagery of the opening makes this odd sort of juxtaposition of comfort and sadness

The gritty yet soft ground makes for a homely haven.

Calling this ground a "homely haven" gives this place a kind of tranquility while the reader slowly realizes what resting place this is.

The Caterpillar Hatches

The repetition of the phrase "She will rest here" stood out to me, almost like she is trying to convince herself that this is a comforting place.

I also really enjoyed seeing the crows and carnations added to this atmosphere, they give the scene a strange sort of beauty that fits with the sad undertone.

Growing & Molting

The physical descriptions were probably my favourite imagery in this poem

Hair that was once the color of red wine Has now turned into a tone of copper.

There's such a bittersweet quality in talking about the progression of someone else's life in this way, talking about her colors as if they had changed instead of growing older, her changing skin and hair tones make her seem so lively while reminding you that her life has already been lived.

Spinning the Chrysalis

The mention of peach and leather was another one of my favorite parts! There's a noticeable difference in textures in this part of the poem, almost as if the poem itself is aging.

The poem almost keeps showing you what this person was next to what she has become.

The Transformation

The imagery of amber eyes was especially pretty

Amber eyes that had the twinkle of a bunch of tiny little stars at night

I really enjoyed that you portrayed her eyes as being full of something so bright and lively, and the next mention of her eyes only being seen behind eyelids makes that imagery sting a bit more.

Wings Taking Shape

What I found to be the poem's strongest structure feature was its pattern of surroundings → appearance → life.

We get to see what she rested in, who she was, and who she had once been. This makes the ending feel so much more personal as by the very end we've been shown little hints of who this woman was.

Breaking Free

The final lines were very meaningful to me because they showed just what kind of woman she had been

You spent your life helping others and tending to everyone else's needs

The idea that she still might continue to help others even beyond her passing is such a lovely sentiment, almost bittersweet in its reminder that her caring would never end.

First Flight

I also really loved the shift from "She" to "You." This shift makes the poem feel so much more intimate, suddenly we're not just seeing a woman resting elsewhere, we're addressing her directly.

Favorite Nectar

My favourite part about this poem was absolutely the repetition of "She will rest here." It gives the piece its rhythm and feels almost like a comfort itself.

The poem almost feels like a little memorial, written in imagery instead of explanation. The softness of the carnations, the crows above her, her changing appearance and finally the description of what kind of woman she had been all tie into something so simple and sorrowful.

Lovely work! <3