I was the sun amongst the other stars.
I was the sharpened knife in a drawer filled with dull blades.
I was the lamborghini in a garage with broken-down cars.
I was the A+ amongst failing grades.
Attention was a sillage, it followed me wherever I marched.
Compliments were steel and I was a neodymium magnet.
Some would describe me as water to a person who was once parched.
Some would compare me to Mars, the most popular planet.
I practically bathed in the hype like a chinchilla does with a dust bath, I mean why wouldn’t I?
Everyone favored me, Everyone fixated on me, Everyone treasured me.
Considered so important, I could demand a crowd to jump and none would even have to ask ‘How high?’
If you somehow haven’t gotten the memo, I was the queen bee.
So, how come a new queen was already taking my place even though I was nowhere near ready for supersedure?
She took away my sillage, she took away my magnetic pull.
She knocked me off of my throne and into the bin that said ‘NO LONGER NEED HER’.
I no longer sat pretty on the top, but instead on the sidelines as if I were an obsolete tool.
Girls who used to sit at my table now rush to be the first one sitting next to their new it-girl.
Guys who used to carry my bags now shove past me to assist her.
I have lost my status as the diamond in a bucket of pearls.
I have fallen out of favor.
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141,453 Literary Works • 674,467 Reviews
I'm not very good at poems so if you have any tips, please don't be afraid to share them! Just be nice, ofc <3
hey PINK ! welcome to YWS !!
first off, never say you’re not good at poetry - i think enjoying the process of writing them and loving your work is what matters most, and if you love it, you’ll get better at it as you go on <3
i think this is a wonderful work, it demonstrates the confusion of going from “popular girl” to “the-girl-nobody-knows” pretty efficiently, and the title is nice and rhythmic.
the one thing i would suggest improving upon is the tone (or slight lack thereof), your use of figurative language is full of depth and your metaphors are deliciously unique, but I didn’t really get the “umph” out of reading them because the tone is sort of detached and it’s like I’m viewing this from the outside, not within. i think a more casual or superior (maybe even faintly-offended) tone
would fit this perfectly to really punctuate the theme you’re going for here, but that’s my personal opinion, not fact.
overall, a great piece of work! i think Alex pointed this out already, but your vocab is v. expanded and unique (i didn’t even know supersedure was a word- 😭) and it added to the reading experience nicely. never stop writing !!!!
~Juke
Hey there, 2000NPINK! Welcome to YWS, I hope you're having a good time here. I'm Alex, her to review this amazing poem of yours today. Hope you don't mind, let's get started~
I love this personal take! Using juxtaposition to establish superiority is indeed clever, even if not unheard of. I definitely like the pattern though, the predictability of it allows the reader to focus on what new and different is being said, since the how is constant. Good job!
I think this line gets a little clunky, please consider getting rid of 'I mean' for sake of structure and smooth reading.
I think 'a man once parched' has a nicer ring to it, so I'm throwing it out for a suggestion of an alternative. But if you didn't want to change much, erasing 'was' does the job well enough! It just doesn't offer much to the line, in my unprofessional opinion.
Hmm.. this is tricky. I feel like a treasured is good genuine of a term to fit here, maybe try using a more shallow term? I think a simple 'everyone loved me' also does a fine job, if you wanted to go for something simpler.
I feel like this sentence should really have a 'still' somewhere, but I'm not sure where it'll work best. If you think it's good enough of a suggestion to be implemented, think you can handle experimenting and figuring that out yourself?
I believe the considered so important should be cut off since the later part already suggests it clearly enough and the line is dragging on a little. Please be mindful of structure since they make first impressions and give you a clue on how uniform it would appear while reading by very roughly being suggestive of meter- it can very much make of break a poem!
Nice vocabulary here! I was actually surprised to know such a specific word even existed, to be honest. I do think it betrays the otherwise simple language though and is thus inconsistent? But it's just my opinion!
Needed may have been neater but since you're on a demanding rhyme and it isn't too different, I'll let this slide, liked the innovation here too!
Like an obsolete tool sounds shorter but your version is more poetic! For this one, I'd recommend you keep it
Pure perfection, bravo! Such a fitting summary it is <3
I may have overstepped a little with the suggestions and that may come across as harsh so I apologise for that and please don't be disheartened. I love the concept and the way the poem flows! It also has a full circle plot, like the new girl who's replaced the narrator will one day be replaced by another- world's ruthless impermanence. It's a mix of karma and fate, but one feels at least a tiny bit sated at the fall of the person who stole what was yours. It's a twisted narrative, yet easily understandable one. Resentment on losing heaven is normal, even if not celebrated. This was powerful, and I commend the passion!
This is all for now though, pink. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
Love, Alex
Ty ty ty! I'll make sure to take all of your advice into account! <3333 I appreciate you taking the time to review
You said you not good at poetry but coming from a poet this is art you could work more on how you felt using more descriptive language like I could feel the walls close in and my crown dissappear from within but generally your comparisons are excellent this is a good poem , this is a very nice poem and I enjoyed it well done
Awwww, TYSM! I appreciate the feedback ^^