It’s not easy living a life where you can’t control your thoughts.
Walking through daily life wondering what will you think next.
Drowning in the sea of thoughts.
Deeper and deeper I drowned
falling into the trap my OCD wanted me to,
letting it all get to me
Gasping for air...will someone save me?
My worst nightmares are coming true
No one there to rescue me from my own self-
down I go
Falling to the bottom depths
where my thoughts swallow me whole
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello, 1swimgirl! It's me, ILoveBooks ready to review your own poem in Review Day!
I hope you enjoy here a lot.
Happy Review Day by the way. Yeah it's a rhyming word. But that was actually quite fun. So yeah...
Anyway I would like to congratulate you for your first poem! This is a great start for you. And you are welcome here with full niceness.
So shall we start my short review?
Anyway this was great. It give a lot of figurative language. Wland give a lot of meaning if you understand if very deep. So I give you that. *claps* Wonderful. It was short but that shortness of your poem gives the biggest impact for me.
But there's a few problem for me...Like for example the length of your sentence and line. You should divide it and bring down some of the long sentence because it is stopping the flow of your poem. So that we can understand it more.
Your choice of words are very metaphoric. So that's also great for my own opinion.
Also your title give a great way for people to think about what is this poem all about. It will make them wonder what is the poem all about. That's what we need in writing something like this.
That's all for today. Anyway, you could or couldn't take the advice from me. It's up to you. But for me I'm proud of you for your first ever poem! You can always improve and express more of yourself with poems. One day you will be a succesful poem writer. You just got to practice more and more.
Well that's all and well done!
Happy Review Day again by the way!
-ILoveBooks out.
Hi 1swimgirl, Felistai here with a short review on your poem.
Firstly welcome to YWS and congratulations on posting your first poem.
Now on with the review. The idea you present in the poem is good, but the length of your lines is holding it back for me. If you shortened them or just split them it would make the poem flow a lot easier.
Example (Deeper and deeper I drowned falling into the trap my OCD wanted me to, letting it all get to me.)
You could split it in half like this
(Deeper and deeper I drowned falling
into the trap my OCD wanted me to, letting it all get to me.)
That's just an idea I could be completely wrong. You shouldn't take the advice from me, I am not great with poetry.
Other than that well done and keep writing. Have great day\night.
Aloha, I see you've written a piece of poetry here!
Well, to get this review all started off and into business, I'd like to first point out my most favorite detail of this.
This is very metaphorical, feeling, I think. I most definitely like the question you put in this.... it lets the reader think about what's going on but still have a feeling of this poem. But something is preventing this piece of to have a flow, a nice rhythm to this. With every period at the end of each line, it kind of stops and prevents that. Maybe removing some of those would work, and then switching up some of the words so it'll make sense.
For example, you can instead do
Here you can see it flow a little better - even though if you were to change this, the words wouldn't need to be the same. I little work on that might be good.
I am wondering what you meant here. I think that there might be a grammatical error or something, because it's not making sense.
Did you mean: My worst nightmare coming true.
Or: My worst nightmares are coming true.
I can see how it works before the examples shown above, but still it made more sense to me for one of the examples I made. Just one of my first reactions of that.
As one of your first poems published here on YWS, congratulations! You should be very proud of this. It may not be your best, but you can always improve later and work on this, right? I'm so glad you contributed to YWS and published this! I learned much from reviewing this too.
Also, I noticed you're quite new, huh? Welcome to YWS!
Thank you,
~Sun