*Under construction, but feel free to review anyway. Constructive criticism always welcome.*
ok, so you’re red.
it spreads from your ears like a disease
slithers down your neck and strangles your adam’s apple
spikes up your nose and chin
makes a home in the hollows of your cheeks
rubs scarlet onto the bags under your eyes.
you’re screaming, i’m quiet.
this doesn’t mean i’m innocent
it just means i choose not to speak
against your rapids and riptides
words sucking me down below the water level
it ends with me drowning and you still flaming.
hi, please look: i’m simmering in silence that leaves me hollow.
i count words like currency
these ones elicit a mental shutdown
this much buys you a shut mouth and flat eyes
and those?
oh. those.
you’ve heard of forgiveness, haven’t you?
strange thing is, it’s worth a lot
but i sell it for cheap
just choose the right words
and maybe the stones will tumble off of both our shoulders
or maybe you’ll just chip off some gravel.
ok, so you’re tearing me apart.
maybe i like to pick off the pieces
you leave hanging
maybe i don’t want to rip them off like band-aids but like blunt needles
slowly in, slowly out
i think, you see i don’t know, i am lost.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey there, I'm here for that review I promised you! I'm actually glad you had something for me to review, because I've been running low on things to review lately, since most of what's in the Green Room is novel chapters and I'm kind of burned out on those right now.
Let's crack on, shall we?
Tone
I can really relate to the tone in this piece. For me, it seems like the narrator is frustrated with the person they're talking to, frustrated with how the person always gets angry and tears the narrator down. But not only that, the narrator is frustrated with themself for constantly falling short, for being a broken person that can be wounded by something like this. And I really, really understand this. You've done an amazing conveying all the hopelessness and slight self-loathing that comes from this attitude.
Weak spots
I think this stanza is your weakest one. It just doesn't quite carry the same tone as the rest of the poem - throughout the rest of the poem, there's an undercurrent of anger, but here it seems a lot more passive. I think it's because the "choose not to speak" is the only thing the narrator does in this stanza, and at first glance it's a passive action. I think you could expand it a little, maybe put in in something about how the narrator chooses not to speak because a) they know it wouldn't make a difference and/or b) they sort-of don't think they deserve to be able to defend themselves. That would bring back the sort of passive-aggressive feeling to the stanza.
This is the other weakest part. The first few lines of the stanza are wonderful - the narrator is being sarcastic about how gullible and willing to forgive they are, which fits in with the rest of the poem nicely. But the reference to "both our shoulders" doesn't really fit, since it directs the focus back to the other person, when our focus should be on the narrator. The last line is better, but there's still something off about it that I'm not quite sure of.
Your last stanza is definitely my favorite. It's such a powerful summation of everything that's been going through the narrator's mind in the poem, combined with some truly compelling imagery.
My one quibble is with the last line. It's just a little too generic. It does a nice job of wrapping up the poem, but it's just not very unique.
I don't think you should delete it entirely, though, because it reinforces how the narrator is more frustrated because they can't understand themself, rather than simply self-hating, as the "slowly in, slowly out" implies. I think something as simple as changing the "i am lost" to something with more unique imagery could potentially fix this. Though it's up to you, of course.
The Title
I absolutely love the title. To me, it just represents how the narrator will act in anger sometimes, or watch others acting in anger, but really they only feel hopeless, unable to even understand what's wrong with them and just generally self-loathing. They aren't angry at the external thing at all. I can also really relate to this.
Anyway, that's all I've got for you. I'm sorry this review was filled mostly with praise, but this poem really has struck a chord within me. It's beautiful writing. I hope this turned out to be helpful anyway. Good luck with your future endeavors!
I would like to like your review about a million times. You translate exactly what I was trying to get across. Self-loathing and anger and uncertainty and....arrrgh. Thank you.
I really appreciate your review because you point out everything I thought was wrong with the poem xP and show me how I can help myself fix it. Those two lines about the gravel and shoulders? Honestly, I hate those lines xD I was waiting for a reviewer to specifically mention them so I could motivate myself to change them.
Thanks so much for your review and I hope mine is as helpful!
I'm glad it was so helpful! I was really just happy to find a poem that put all these complicated feelings into words so beautifully.
Wow, thank you ^_^
ok, so you're good at writing. (See what I did there?) Anyway, I really like your poem. It is truly from the heart and I can feel the pain which you wrote about. I really like the first, second and fourth verses best--they are fantabulous. I can tell you had a fight with this person? It's what I feel in it...I really like the writing style a lot. At first I was going to say that I didn't like the 'ok, so' and I thought you should change it to just 'you're red', but now i'm not so sure. I kinda like the funny beginning now...
Anyway, I really like this, wonderful work!
-ChloeJoelle
Ok, so thanks for the review ^_^
I really appreciate it!
Ok, so thanks for the like on my review. And of course!
Ok, so this is so fun xD
Hullo Lovesong,
Fortis is right in that the voice you have in this poem is exceptional. It's a very strong tone and that is not at all easy to pull off. The strength of the voice in this poem, however, isn't the only thing the poem has going for it. You've got some really solid lines with good imagery and a very good description. "slithers down your neck and strangles your adam’s apple " for instance I'm really into, there's something about it that is dark and violent and beautiful - I love that you've used adam's apple instead of throat because it changes the dynamic, and I'm really into that.
Your other lines are less impressive. Some of it is that you kind of slide between some really strong imagery and some pretty basic/boring lines. Your final line is an example. Skip that line - "slowly in, slowly out" is a PERFECT end line. It's strong, to the point and sounds awesome. Particularly as it follows a fantastic line above it. In fact the end stanza is super strong, I'm really digging it. I'm digging your poem across the board, I don't know if I could tell.
That said I could do without the second and fourth stanzas. They've a focus that isn't the narrator and I'm not really interested in that. Your first, third and final stanzas are much stronger, have better imagery, and maintain that wonderful voice. I disagree with fortis in that I like "hi, please look -" because I think it works with the voice and with the tone of the poem (if you lose those other stanzas anyway) because this poem is a plea. A bravado fuelled plea to the reader and the opposition and I think that in the end and even the beginning it's pretty clear that the persona has no idea what to do, but is going to do it anyway. There's some pride there, a streak running through each line. It needs to be cleaned up (particularly in the first stanza where the red isn't clarified and is a little disconnected as an image) but once it's cleaned up the poem is definitely going to be one of my favourites.
Thanks for posting, I've really enjoyed it. Let me know if you change anything, I'd love to read it.
- Penguin.
Wow, thank you so much for the awesome review ^-^ I love how much you loved it. I really appreciate how you and fortis really helped with the end line, because that is something I definitely feel like is messy and needs to be revised. I will take all of this into account and this review was immensely helpful--thank you!
Hiya!
I like the voice in this poem. It's really strong, and that makes the poem unique. What initially drew me into the poem was the title. It's also very strong, and I love the images of it.
One thing I think could improve the poem a little bit would be to sort of end with a little bit of the "redness" that we had at the beginning. It would make the thing come full-circle and feel complete.
I'm curious as to what the red in the first stanza means. I can guess that perhaps it's anger. If the answer to what it is is important to the poem, I suggest that you say something like "the red, the anger...." but as it is, it's an image, and it's a pretty powerful image, even if I don't know exactly what it means.
the "hi, please look:" feels out of place to me. It has the voice, but it still feels like it doesn't belong.
The final line feels weak. It is rather convoluted and I think you could end on a much stronger image. Perhaps something involving gray and red?
Honestly these are the only things I have to say about this poem, other than: make sure to watch out for cliches. there are a couple things bordering on cliche here, but I'll let you find them and decide.
I hope this helps! If you have any questions feel free to ask me, and keep writing!
~fortis
Thanks for the awesome review ^-^ I definitely have trouble with last lines, so that's something I need to work on. I will definitely take your advice into account when editing this. Thanks so much!