A/N: This is for Tiff's contest: Once Upon a Time.
Once upon a time, there was a lady called Cassandra. No wait - I don't like her, so I'm going to kill her off. (Bet ya don't mock me now, do ya Miss Perfect? HA!) Cassandra had some kind of relationship with another girl. Her name was either Catherine or Lynette. Oh, I know! Her name was Catelyn.
They both lived in the Land of Secrets (commonly known as High School), where everyone held a secret - from Cheerprincesses to Sword and Shield Jocks. If anyone shared it, it would be considered social suicide, because in less than fifteen minutes every single living being would have knowledge of it.
Catelyn grieved for Cassandra, a little bit, and protected her and Cassandra's secret with her life. Cassandra had trusted her, and she hadn't told anyone. Cassandra had decided to do a good thing for once.
But, on a certain sunny day, a mob of classmates showed up at Catelyn's door step demanding for her to tell them the deceased girl's secret. Catelyn shouted 'no!' several times, but the teenagers (the worst kind of people - the ones with jumpy hormones) had very persuasive ways. One even offered a pair of drop dead gorgeous stiletto boots.
It took Catelyn all the strength she had to resist, and she finally decided she could not stay there any longer, or she would eventually give in and tell them every single secret she knew. She packed her things (including the stiletto boots she had managed to steal from the other girl) and ran. She continued running for weeks, but the mod followed her everywhere (they weren't worried about skipping the royal classes).
Finally, she gave up and fell to her knees, crying. She missed a mall crawl too much. The mob of teenagers, starving for fresh gossip, listened happy to Cassandra's secret. She had cellulite (Mwahahaha!), and then it was time for Catelyn's secret. And she told them, "My secret, and I'm so sorry for telling them, dear author, is that you, readers, should have realized, since the first paragraph, that this story has no plot."
Well, there ya go, Mrs.Robinson my English teacher. Yes, I did forgot I had to write this for homework, so it's now around one a.m. Hope this gets my grades up! (In case you didn't understood, that was a sarcastic comment.)
Written by,
Samantha Cawford
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
If this is set in high school, then I believe the "lady" should be turned into "girl".
There should be a comma between "no" and "wait.
I don't like the two "it"s together; it sounds awkward. Maybe you could say "If anyone shared it, their secret would be..." or you could say "If anyone shared their secret, it would be...".
You don't need a comma after "Cassandra".
There are just too many "had"s by each other right here.
You could use the comma there, but I like the beginning when you don't use it. I believe it sounds better that way.
The ", and" should be ", but". You need to separate this into two because it is a run-on sentence.
"Mod" should be "mob".
Way too many commas. This was really hard to follow.
You need a comma there.
The corrections are in bold here.
Overall, this story was funny; but, all the parentheses threw me off. The ending was too sudden. I didn't understand where the teacher thing came in. It was like you just threw that in there for no apparent reason. And I know that this is supposed to be a silly story, but I believe there should be a reason why you don't like this Cassandra girl.
Anyway, this was really funny.
MJ
Kat, you are a pure genius. When I was reading this through the first time around, my thoughts were wait, what? Is this a satire? Is she for real? Then you hit us with the hilarious plot twist.
I do have one suggestion, though. As for realizing that this was a satire, it was kind of obvious, and it was not. I'm just afraid that there are going to be a few people, before they get to the twist, will think you're serious and give up because of the "bad writing." Kepp that in mind, and make it so horrible that it's amazing. PM me if you have any questions.
Hey there!
I liked this! The past and present mixing together and everything was great!
I found one thing that seemed a little off to me though:
Do you mean "the" or is there an actual thing called a mall crawl? Lol, I hardly ever go to malls if you haven't noticed
But other than that, I liked it
I loved this part espacially:
Haha love it
Keep up the good work!
-Irish