Hey, this isn't the beginning of some series or anything. I just felt like writing this little piece, based on a dream I had, because I wanted to. So, judge it as you want. If it's bad, please notify me and help me with the things you think it needs work on. Thanks! Oh, and reviews are much welcome (I'm giving out points to who ever replies, depending on the length. Don't take as bribery, take it as a motivation!)
My love,
I dreamed the most beautiful of dreams. You were there too.
Where your life ended was were the dream began, in the middle of the “big blue”. I dreamed of how our relationship developed. It was like a metaphor.
I was drowning, just like you did some years ago. I couldn’t swim to the surface; something was holding me back. I looked to my left side, and, my darling, you were there. In all your greatness, you were there! Your green eyes stared at me, piercing through my heart. I knew it was a dream when you talked clearly. Under water, the sound always comes disturbed. I understood every word that came out of your desirable lips. Your hand was wrapped around my arm. You were the one holding me back. I heard the words: “A kiss for air”. I still hesitated. It was dream, for God’s sake! I could not get my hopes up for only a dream! But my lungs despaired for the so longing pure air. A quick kiss and you let my arm go. I swam frenetically until I felt the fresh air again. The salty water burned my throat.
I saw you once more, next to me, breathing too. I closed my eyes; the emotions were too strong. It took you a second to disappear under the water. The flash back of the accident four years ago came and pushed its way into my mind. You disappeared again. The same kind of panic came over me. How many times have I dreamt of that horrible night? How many times have I cried myself to sleep, knowing the kind of dreams that were coming?
Suddenly, something pulled me back down. You asked the same question. That kiss was stronger; it took more time, more breath away. To hell with my broken heart! I just wanted to feel you. I missed you too much. I hesitated, but still swam up to the surface, leaving you behind.
I inhaled the air, touching my lips softly. Your warmth still lingered, but your lips were marked on my soul, for eternity. You were by my beside again, needing air too.
You did not have to pull me anymore. Your hand touched my leg, as for asking for permission. I swam into the water again. My eyes were locked in yours. There was no need for any words. I approximated slowly; our eyes still chained to each other. I kissed you in my own initiative. That kissed lasted for what seemed like hours. Air was missing again. We stepped away from each other and swam up again. After a few seconds of air, you were already waiting for me. No sign was needed. I dived in because I wanted to. Under water was more private, more unrealistic. Just the two of us and the “big blue”. We kissed again. Your lips moving softly around mine. The passion increased. It was too strong. Air was missing again. This time we did not separate.
I died with you, my ultimate wish. It was my first thought, when I woke up. Tears rolled down my face, while I screamed in frustration.
Dear love, I know it’s pointless to write to someone who died since you won't be able to answer, but it keeps you close to me. I’ll be with you as soon as I can. Please, wait for me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
128,251 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Hello there, Hun !
I just wanted to read something of yours. Since you reviewed my work,
I'd be more than happy to return the favor.
There were some parts in the 'big blue that confused me.
How they were either downing, or coming up for air, or kissing, just mixed me up in some parts.
That must've been an exceptional dream, if it made you want others
to experience what you saw.
You made some of the pictures very clear; like the boys eyes,
and also the salty water burning her thorat.
But a few questions.
How were they drowning? or dying? How did they know eachother?
What was the nightmare that came to her mind while she was in the water?
If you explained some of those reaons, then it would make it much eaiser to read
and mentally picture.
Overall, It was great ! Big round of aplause !
You could really excel in writing if you kept at it.
I'm really looking forward to reading more of your stories !
This was really touching. I mean, honestly, there are so many thingsI want to list that I'm going to do point form
.
-It was romantic and passionate with the right hint of fantasy.
-It was sad and touching
-It was an interesting change in writing
-It had a few mistakes, but the people before me just about covered it
-I loved it
Keep writing
oh. wow.
writewatiwant, you are soooooo talented!!
seriously, I can't think of anything really to point out critique worthy that the others haven't already.
but your piece totally left me wanting more! good job! It was so sad!
I love stuff like this
I hope this encourages you to keep writing, for our benefit, if not yours
haha 9/10 (that means gold star )
XoXo~AsH
So, the description here is nice, but I had to reread the whole paragraph a couple times to really get what's going on. Is there any way for you to make it clearer what's going on? In the dream, he's trying to kiss her. But why is that a problem?[/quote]
This isn't clear either. What is she saying is happening? She's remembering the time he died? Is she remembering in real life, or does she relive it through her dream. Has the dream even ended yet?
Why would she leave him after just convincing herself 'to hell with her broken heart'? She would be kissing him even more fiercely, loving him more than she ever would have allowed herself before. Explain her thought process behind swimming back to the surface.
So, here is a nice passionate love scene that makes more sense. Did he follow her back to the surface when she swam away? Tell us that, if he did.
I liked this, and the thought put behind it. It's a new take at love and death, and the way you hint at her joining him towards the end is nice and subtle while remaining effective.
My suggestions: make your sentences longer, every here or there. Almost all of them are short and choppy, with little 'ands' or commas to connect thoughts. Lengthening a couple sentences would help it to flow more love-like, and the romance would heighten by making it smoother.
Also, Don't sign it. It doesn't give the impression of a letter, and the 'Johanna' part is completely unnecessary. We don't need to know her name, and it's just distracting to get it as a letter. It's better without the closing signature, I promise. So, please, delete it.
Good luck with editing, and PM me if you need anything!
~Evi
Hey *writewatiwant*!
I'm here to return the favour, for all your reviews
I shall skip the nitpicking, as the mistakes I could find have already been pointed out.
Interesting.
What a morbid dream...or nightmare, it must have been.
The tone of the MC: 3Ds.
Dreamy, dreary, depressing.
Such despair D:
But in this story, it plays out well.
Brilliant & Touching.
You can sense and feel her longing and desolation.
I could picture everything in my head.
Good ending!
My overall verdict: 7.5/10.
this seems uneeded and a bit awkward I would try getting rid of it.
I know this is suppose to be a love letter of sorts, but it still needs to draw the reader in. By thids point it seems almost boring.
this is hard to read. Took me 3 times before I could understand it. You could try "Where your life ended is where it all began" Or some thing like that
I love the mysteriousness (Ahah is that a word)
How so?
.
You have many spelling mistakes that are distracting from your letter. I'll point them out, but I may not catch all of them.
Are you missing a word in there somewhere? Because if you aren't then that makes no sense
Ok So I'm a never put the words but, and or because in the beginning of a sentence Nazi. In this cause it's not needed.
Spelling mistake this time I don't know how to spell this word... A dictionary would be of some use
You seem to be missing a few words here also. Maybe at me should go inbetween the words came and like
The second part of this sentence needs to be reworded. Its uneasy to read and a bit awkward.
The questions being asked to the reader sort of imply that you have dreamt of this before many times so the last sentence in the quotation isn't needed.
Misspelling
Needs to be reworded so its easier to read
Approximated doesn't seem to fit here, maybe you should try approached
This seemes to be hard to read, and would fit better reworded.
This seems to be a hard thing to follow, can you elaborate on this
You never want to leave the reader questioning so always be a bit obviously. myabe you could put I dived in, or some thing like that.
I love the description here, there isn't much of that in your letter
With out the my it sounds a heck of a lot better
Says who? This needs more elaboration
Awesome ending!
OverAll:
I loved the concept! You seem to rush through alot of things, and we as readers miss out on the great descriptions, and such that could be put in. There were a few grammatical errors that were haphazardly put in place; easily fixable.
If you have any more questions please feel free to PM me
~Tiff
p.s awesome job
Hello!
I don't know. This sentence seems a little off. Maybe say something like, "I dreamed the most beautiful of dreams and in this dream, your were there too." I'd cut out "my love" because it's repetitive.
You seem to add semi-colons to seperate ideas when you should only use commas. Semi-colons work in a compound sentence. Compound sentences are usually composed of words like and, but, yet, nor, etc. In the sentences that you use semi-colons in, these are complex snetences. For instance, "I couldn't swim to the surface, and something was holding me back." It doesn't make sense with "and", "but", or "nor" in it, so it can't be a compound sentence. Which means that you can't use a semi-colon.
I would get rid of probably because, to me, it just ruins this sentence.
Overall:
This was depressing, but also good. You did a nice job explaining how she was attached to him and why they were there. But, I'd also like to see more characterization. I don't know anything about these characters, and I know you don't want to do a series or something of that sort, but to make this piece better, you should just describe the characters. Not too many grammatical errors, which is good. Just make sure to profreed your work.
I really liked this piece. You should consider stretching it out into a series or a book.
-Lindsey