This is a rough draft and I need much help. Please tear it apart if it helps. I don't mean to put punctuation here. Its no purpose.
your sweet face
and slobbery kisses
steal my heart,
i loved you from
the very start
your hands reach for me
and i just smile
you’re handed over
for a little while
you cry when
i walk out of sight
thoughts of leaving you
make my throat tight
i’ll always be there
through all your troubles
school and pushy brothers
i’m you big sister
and there is no other
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,464 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
I would take out the last stanza. Its awkward and ruins the flow. I like the first three but the rhyming sounds a wee bit forced. Loosen up a little. All poetry does not have to rhyme. Many beginner poets have problems with this so you not alone, I know I sure made the same mistake. Put some punctuatin in there, it can really emphazise a point that you would want to make. Good luck with your writing, and PM me if you have any questions about it, or if you want another review.
~Kaylyn
okay, um you need punctuation. the rhyme scheme needs a little work as well. your rhyme patterns are this 3-6-4-4. Doesn't exactly go together.
This part rhymes much better, and the rhyme scheme is flowing better as well, though you need punctuation again.
[quote=*Daughterofthemoon*"]you cry when
i walk out of sight
thoughts of leaving you
make my throat tight[/quote]
Punctuation.
Punctuation.
Overall this is a good poem, and has good potential. Once you have the right punctuation this could be great. The story behind it made me smile because you could almost tell that it was an older sibling telling us about their younger brother or sister. The topic is sweet and I hope to see more poems like this from you. Great job!
Thanks for the review Sofi, although, I didn't capitilize and put in grammar on purpose. Its one of those poems without the grammar. Thanks again for taking the time to critique this.
~Alyss
Hi there!
As I said, I'm no good at poetry.
You seemed to really capture the sweetness and softness of a baby in it. Very well done!
Unfortunatley poetry isn't my forte (although I wish it was!) I just like to read it but there were just one or two things which I noticed here...
i) Capitalize the first word of each stanza (you don't necesarily have to capitalize the first word of each line, though)
ii) Capitalize your I's. E.g. 'I loved you' and 'I just smile'
iii) The last stanza's read a little awkwardly. The first two flow beautifully but I tripped over the last two slightly:
The third line of the third stanza seems to have too many words (I'm not sure if there's a proper term for that?) but it disrupts the flow a bit.
The rhyming in the last stanza also seems a little off.
I'm sorry that I can't offer any suggestions on how to fix it though
Overall
I really loved it
Sofi.