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Young Writers Society



Without Destiny: Chapter 2

by Wherethewindgoes


I am met in the air by an icy tempest of white. Frozen flakes spin around me, blending together into a blank background. The snow seems much heavier than it was before I jumped.

Of course, falling through something at high speeds can do that.

As I plummet, what had before been gentle flakes now become piercing spears of ice assaulting my face, agents of confusion blocking my vision. Presumably I am falling through the air past the cliff off which I jumped, but I have no indication that is true.

Until I hit the first tree.

The branch breaks below me with a sharp snap that jars me, as does the next. I crash through the treetops, sending snow flying in all directions. The canopy is high but not thick, and I am through it in a few moments. Enough of the snow is blocked by the canopy for me to see the white forest floor toward which I plunge.

I watch the ground come up at me, feeling the distance of my fall so far and the landscape around me, judging the distance of each tree. After a moment I am satisfied and, several yards from the ground, I Shift.

There's a flash of darkness and then I appear in the forest, about a hundred yards from where I was before. I am jolted forward with enough force to knock me down, and I hit the ground hard, barely having enough time to throw my arms out and break my fall.

After lying for a moment in the snow I get to my feet, looking back over my shoulder, towards the cliff, towards the city, Kar, which lies several hundred meters away. Shifting, in principle, is only redirecting my fall - I can only Shift to a location the same distance as I fell from the location at which I started my fall. For instance, I fell about 500 meters. Thus, the distance from where I am now is 500 meters from the top of the cliff off which I jumped; the land here is elevated, so I was able to move horizontally and still end up on solid ground.

I sigh, lost in terms of what to do next. By now, everyone I’ve known is most likely dead. The Lavaeran do not make a habit of taking prisoners. It is set, then, I suppose. It seems Destiny, as it is very fond of doing, has chosen for me. I can no longer go back.

The only way to go, then, is forward.

The Canyon of Eternal Heroes, then. There, I will find the Watchers. That is where I must go.Not because Destiny has willed it. Not because I have given in to my fate; not because I have accepted my duty.

Because I have no other choice.

*

Around me, the snow has stopped.

I pull myself over the ledge, lying for a moment on the cold, snow-draped rock. I peer over the edge; after half an hour of climbing, I’m about a hundred meters up. If I jump now, I’ll be able to make it to the small marsh where there begins something that at least resembles a road.

I turn and leap off, waiting until the last few yards above the ground to Shift, landing in rough, tall grass, this time with less of a jolt. A low hill arrayed less thickly with trees than the land at the base of the cliff leads to what was once a well-used road. I scrape away a small circle in the snow with my foot. Made of dirt, the road is torn up by large gauges in the ground, a few inches deep and wide. Farther on, in the direction from which I came, it becomes too overgrown to be used, but up ahead the path is mostly clear. I set off along the dirt road, north, towards the Evershaft.Towards the place that will allow me to Shift to the Canyon.

The road bends around the partially-frozen marsh and then curves up, plunging back into dark forest. As I walk further the scars in the road slowly lessen until they are gone, leaving only a barren, beat-up, overgrown path. The woods are empty of life other than the tall, thick trees, the low shrubbery, and the vines that crawl in every empty space. No squirrels stir the leaves that sparkle with ice; no birds break the silence with song; no deer stare back at me from between the trees.

This forest has not seen these things for a long, long time.

The road stretches on for miles of similar forest with few clearings. After a few hours my legs begin to ache from walking; the cold creeps into my feet soaked from sloshing through snow; the chill of the air comes to rest on my shoulders. I begin to be able to make out the setting sun behind the wall of trees.

My sense of distance tells me I am only a mile or two away, so I push on. If I have visited a place, I am able to judge the distance to an almost exact degree—a side effect of my Shifting. I’ve only been to the Evershaft once. Leik and I had heard stories of the Evershaft, and we wanted to see it for ourselves, so we snuck away from Kar in the night, taking two of the few horses the city had.

Up ahead the trees clear and the road curves as the ground rises and turns to rock. I scale the low wall of rock, getting my second glimpse of the Evershaft as I pull myself up.

A few hundred yards in diameter, the Evershaft is a circular shaft that extends down into darkness as far as the eye can see. I step up to the edge tentatively, looking down into the black depths of the hole. No one knows how far it goes down, or what is at the other end; it’s possible I could die before I have a chance to Shift.

You have left me little choice, Destiny. I leap off the edge, letting the darkness of the Evershaft swallow me up. All my life you’ve meddled, forcing me along this path.

If you’re going to bend the world to your will to make me the Sentinel...this would be a good time as any.


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User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

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Tue Feb 26, 2013 4:14 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Ethe!

Shady here with your review. Sorry for the wait and thank you for the congrats! :D

I did not read your other reviews, so sorry if I repeat anything that's already been said. I’m also tired, so I apologize if I'm a bear. Now, apologies out of the way, it's time for the review. :)

Presumably I am falling through the air past the cliff off which I jumped, but I have no indication that is true.
~ This is a not-so-subtle way remind us what happened in the previous chapter. Don't. On YWS, we reviewers might not remember perfectly what story we're following (incidentally, I *do* look at previous chapters if I don't. Don't take this wrong, I do remember your story. :D) -- but your readers will.

You have short, easily consumable chapters, so it's not likely that the reader will stop reading between the prologue and here, so this is redundant and therefore unnecessary. Besides, you have every 'indication' that it's true you're falling. You're FALLING.

Shifting, in principle, is only redirecting my fall - I can only Shift to a location the same distance as I fell from the location at which I started my fall. For instance, I fell about 500 meters. Thus, the distance from where I am now is 500 meters from the top of the cliff off which I jumped; the land here is elevated, so I was able to move horizontally and still end up on solid ground.
~ This is clear, but...not working for me. It's far too technical and obviously directed toward the reader.

Your job as a writer is to try and disappear within your story. Let your characters speak for themselves-- rather than explain anything to us. In this case, this needs explained, but you can do it more subtly. I struggled with this, so don't edit word for word, but...

"I hated Shifting. It was useful in situations like this, when I was in pinch and needed to get far away, quickly. But it made me dizzy to look from where I was falling to, to where I was, and realize just how tall that cliff really was."

Okay, I really, really struggled with it-- and that's not clear. But make it first-person narrative, so it goes with the rest of your story.
~~~

Alright!

I can't say that I'm in love with this piece. It has a few problems.

-1-

Your present tense first-person isn’t working. It might be my inherent hate of present tense stories (The Hunger Games drove me slightly mad, until I adjusted), but...I just don't like it. I can't explain why.

-2-

I like your idea of Shifting, but you can't...do that. You took term that's already established, and put it to your character/ability/whatever. If you're going to use already known terms, you have to make it somewhat like what authors before you did. Like...

You can't make Urgals into ballerinas. You just can't. People think Urgals, and think terrible, ruthless creatures-- even if the appearance of them vary greatly from story to story. When people think Shifters, or Shifting, they think of a human turning into something else, most commonly an animal.

Within that, you have some license to tweak. But you don't have a Shifter. You have another (really interesting) ability that you created that has nothing to do with Shape-shifters. You should coin a term for that yourself (that's really hard, I know, but not impossible).

Anyhoo, sorry if this is a bit rough. I am still really interested in seeing where you take this. If you need any more help, or have any questions, feel free to Wall or PM me.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 3:12 am
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Okay, this had a bit of a negative change from your previous chapter.
Sorry :/

The mark of the inexperienced writer is the speed at which they write, reading your writing for the first time, I instantly assumed that you were experienced (I still think you are), but you sped things up in this chapter a little bit too much, I didn't get to know your characters, the country or his surroundings any . . .

You need to add more chapters to this, develop your characters, your world, everything.
It seriously needs it.
Now don't think this has no potential and that you should drop it.
Quite to the contrary, you should keep it up.
Add to it, keep going, don't stop!

But if you want this ever to come to anything, then you MUST put more detail on your story in here. Either that or you should take some out.

Your style is unique, and I can appreciate that. I also like the feeling of originality I get from it.

Note: You have a go.vNot up there four lines above your little * (Small typo).

Oh, something great to add to this story.
PUT SOME DETAIL IN!
Let me know what things look like around him.
Let me know what HE looks like.
And most importantly, let me know what he feels. I want to know him. I don't just what to know what he does.

Is he afraid? Does his heart beat faster when he's running from the Valearans (Hope I spelled that right)? Is he sad over his friends death ???

Also, his name Aelie, is more of a girls name . . . I'd advise changing it.

But, you have to start somewhere in writing, right?
This is where you begin.

Keep working, and some day you may publish.

KEEP WRITING!




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Wed Feb 20, 2013 4:49 am
dogs wrote a review...



"I am met by a wall of white"

Ok, I think this is a bit of a weak imagery note to start this chapter on. Especially because you're so good with descriptions, maybe make this point a little more vivid and painful as a wall of frosty white crashed into my face. I know you can do far better than my lame attempts just there. :)

You say the wall of snow is unchanging, but than describe how it changes. A tad bit of a contradiction there.

"but not very thick"

Ok, this is just a major pet peeve of mine. But you should never use "very" in any sort of literature, unless it is a essay describing why you should NOT use "very" in writing. It is always unnecessary (unless occasionally in plays) and it breaks up the flow every time you use it. Definitely take it out. It can easily be replaced with "but not incredibly thick" or something else along those lines.

"Enough of the snow is blocked by the canopy for me to see the snow- covered"

So here you use "snow" twice in the same sentence a little too close in proximity to each other. Try editing one out or replacing it with "white."

"is equal to the distance from the ledge to the ground"

Well I would sure hope so, because you just said the the distance from the ground to the ledge is the same as the distance from the ledge to the ground. That's like saying 5=5, you're using a few too many words here, or perhaps your point is a little marred and I'm missing it entirely.

"That is where I must go"

I don't think you need a new paragraph after this line. Just make it continuous into the next sentence (which it already is) and cut out that paragraph.

"Because I have no other choice"

Describe to us a little more about how your narrator has no other choice. I'm not quite sure how he's forced into doing this, because it seems to me that he was leaving anyways and how does this affect his plans of leaving and going wherever he was planning on going. I'm thoroughly enjoying your writing though :).

"above the ground to Shift"

What the heck is a Shift? You used it before but I was incredibly confused because you never explained what it was. I assume it's a means of teleportation. Just make that point a little clearer.

"The scars in the road slowly lessen until they're gone"

Love this line, especially the imagery of the scars in the road. Nice job there. Although, nit pick here, I think you should cut some words out here. Try saying: "The scars in the road slowly diminishing until they disappear."

Nice way to end this piece. I like the idea of playing that dangerous game with "destiny." If you're really that valuable to her plot, than she'll save you, nice job there. I enjoyed reading this piece, a few more errors than last time but still great plot line. Also thank you for being the piece for me to review to receive my 200th review this month :). Goal complete thanks to you! Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032






Thanks for the review! I'll make sure to fix all of that. Also, congratulations on getting 200 reviews!





So, I tried to explain the concept of Shifting a bit better. Does that make any more sense?




"My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
— A.A. Milne