Hey Ethe!
Shady here with your review. Sorry for the wait and thank you for the congrats!
I did not read your other reviews, so sorry if I repeat anything that's already been said. I’m also tired, so I apologize if I'm a bear. Now, apologies out of the way, it's time for the review.
~ This is a not-so-subtle way remind us what happened in the previous chapter. Don't. On YWS, we reviewers might not remember perfectly what story we're following (incidentally, I *do* look at previous chapters if I don't. Don't take this wrong, I do remember your story. ) -- but your readers will.Presumably I am falling through the air past the cliff off which I jumped, but I have no indication that is true.
You have short, easily consumable chapters, so it's not likely that the reader will stop reading between the prologue and here, so this is redundant and therefore unnecessary. Besides, you have every 'indication' that it's true you're falling. You're FALLING.
~ This is clear, but...not working for me. It's far too technical and obviously directed toward the reader.Shifting, in principle, is only redirecting my fall - I can only Shift to a location the same distance as I fell from the location at which I started my fall. For instance, I fell about 500 meters. Thus, the distance from where I am now is 500 meters from the top of the cliff off which I jumped; the land here is elevated, so I was able to move horizontally and still end up on solid ground.
Your job as a writer is to try and disappear within your story. Let your characters speak for themselves-- rather than explain anything to us. In this case, this needs explained, but you can do it more subtly. I struggled with this, so don't edit word for word, but...
"I hated Shifting. It was useful in situations like this, when I was in pinch and needed to get far away, quickly. But it made me dizzy to look from where I was falling to, to where I was, and realize just how tall that cliff really was."
Okay, I really, really struggled with it-- and that's not clear. But make it first-person narrative, so it goes with the rest of your story.
~~~
Alright!
I can't say that I'm in love with this piece. It has a few problems.
-1-
Your present tense first-person isn’t working. It might be my inherent hate of present tense stories (The Hunger Games drove me slightly mad, until I adjusted), but...I just don't like it. I can't explain why.
-2-
I like your idea of Shifting, but you can't...do that. You took term that's already established, and put it to your character/ability/whatever. If you're going to use already known terms, you have to make it somewhat like what authors before you did. Like...
You can't make Urgals into ballerinas. You just can't. People think Urgals, and think terrible, ruthless creatures-- even if the appearance of them vary greatly from story to story. When people think Shifters, or Shifting, they think of a human turning into something else, most commonly an animal.
Within that, you have some license to tweak. But you don't have a Shifter. You have another (really interesting) ability that you created that has nothing to do with Shape-shifters. You should coin a term for that yourself (that's really hard, I know, but not impossible).
Anyhoo, sorry if this is a bit rough. I am still really interested in seeing where you take this. If you need any more help, or have any questions, feel free to Wall or PM me.
Keep writing!
~Shady
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Reviews: 935
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