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Three Lines of Three, Haikus, Perhaps

by WaitingForLife


vermilion leaves

a whirlwind of heated air;

rain dampens colour


--------


The crisp tongue of frost

The shuffle of crackling paws

Rich sounds of laughter


--------


Flicker of wind's breath

Stirs yellow canvas of leaves,

Restores not their blush.


--------

Haiku-inspired, probably not actual haikus, but could be, who knows. I don't. Wrote these on my phone while enjoying a relaxing walk with our dog in a crisp, wintery setting. An honorable mention to my frozen fingers - they bravely took one for the team. May they live long enough to write out this message.

G'day. May it find you in a good mood.


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 3:27 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



I'd say that the first two are actually haikus! From what I understand, the thing that can make a haiku effective is having some kind of twist or unexpected direction in the last line that separates it from the first two and gives the first part a different shade, which you definitely do with the first poem and the last. The middle is just a run-on of descriptions, really. A list of what you've heard. I love the phrase "crisp tongue of frost", but you might wanna save it for another, more meaningful poem.

Let's look at the poems with movement. The first, for me, moves because the first two lines are vivid and full of heat, but the rain dampens not only the vermilion but also that heat (though you only mentioning it dampening color). It's gorgeous, the idea of this moment in wind, the rain hanging over the scene, not quite fallen in my mind, but it's present in the future.

The only thing I'd ask you to contemplate about the first haiku would be this:

heated air


Heated air seems very sterile and scientific when written on its own. I know you mean that hot air rises, so it lifts the leaves up and over your head, and that image is strong, but I wonder if you can find a phrasing that keeps the word "heat" and doesn't sound quite so much like it comes from science class, just 'cause we're out in the world of nature and don't need images of the classroom shooting at us.

The last poem is very good, as well. The idea that they are not coming back to life is very strong in what you've written. For this poem (AND for your other ones, please), you need to work on your punctuation. I say, unless you have a specific reason in not doing so, take line breaks out, punctuate it like it's prose, and then put the line breaks back in.

Anyway, lovely poems. PM me if you have questions, please.

Good luck and keep writing!




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 3:00 am
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Chiridawn wrote a review...



Oh ho, I believe they are haikus! 5,7,5 :)

I believe you are talking about the seasons, and seeing your comment down there, you are.

I feel the first haiku, you are talking about the lull between Summer and Autumn, the next would be Winter, and finally the depth of Autumn.

To analyse them individually, I would say all three are very well done. All describe vivid imagery, merged with the senses. Especially when you speak of Winter:

The crisp tongue of frost

The shuffle of crackling paws

Rich sounds of laughter


Even in the deep of Winter, there is still laughter and life, a great contrast that lends extra meaning. The cold is only a passing till Spring. It also brings to life the fact that you are walking a dog through this scene. I love how you managed to infer the idea of snow but using 'crackling paws', suggesting it instead of being too direct.

vermilion leaves

a whirlwind of heated air;

rain dampens colour


For the first haiku, the second line is very interesting. Taking out the second line, it would read "Vermilion leaves, rain dampens colour". Very Autumn-y. However, if we put it back in, it has turned into Summer-Autumn. I'm not sure if this is your intention, but one thing I would like to point out is the final line.

When you are saying rain dampens colour, are you saying that rain is dulling the colours or that rain is making it brighter? Currently, it seems as if rain is 'dampening' colours.

Flicker of wind's breath

Stirs yellow canvas of leaves,

Restores not their blush.


The imagery is beautiful. If we imagine the leaves as a living being asleep on the ground, and the wind is a gentle touch to bring it back alive, but then realising they are actually dead, it is striking.

I am most impressed by the imagery you used. Each individual poem is meaningful, but the whole is a little disconnected. Thank you for writing this!




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Wed Feb 13, 2013 9:25 am
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noninjaes wrote a review...



Hallo waiting, am here to review for you today, and bravo to your frozen fingers.

First I must say that yes, these certainly are Haikus. Even if you don't want to count them as Haikus, they are Senryus (extremely similar to Haikus). One of my one main suggestions for all three poems is to add punctuation to the end of the second line of each poem, as that is how Haikus and Senryus are formed.

The general layout of Haikus and Senryus is as follows:
Opening topic, usually about seasons (in Haikus). 5 syllables.
Description / expansion on that topic. Punctuation mark. 7 syllables.
Conclusion of sorts about the topic. Ideally to make the readers think about said topic. 5 syllables.

First Poem.
I like the autumn theme in this haiku, though I don't think "heated air" is a good description of Autumn. I do really like the "rain dampens colour" line as it makes you think about what it means in correlation to the rest of the haiku's content.

Second Poem.
This poem is my least favourite of the set. Everything seems rather unrelated. I like how the first line makes me think that together, the three poems represent the changes in the season. Though really, the lack of the relation between the lines just doesn't work.

Third Poem.
I like the images presented in this Haiku. With a bit of punctuation on the second line, as well as a full stop on the end of the last line, this would be counted as a really good haiku. The hint of life in the wind is good, especially how it is brought back to it not bringing back spring / summer.

Hope this helps, and as always, keep writing!
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*





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